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This is a very special song that runs with deeper meaning, and you are invited to explore it for yourself. Lyrics below the fold.

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Lieutenant Dan – (The ‘Forrest Gump’ version of ‘Piano Man’ by Billy Joel)

LYRICS (by Tim Ireland)

It’s five o’clock at the riverside
Helicopter’s gonna land
There’s a surgery, then a hospital
Free ice cream, and ping pong, and Dan

He said ‘Forrest, you moron,
I should have died,
Like my father and uncles before
But you ran, and you bungled
Back there in the jungle
And robbed me of death in this war!’

Da da da de de da
Da da de de da
da da

You ain’t got legs
You’re Lieutenant Dan
You left them, back in the ‘Nam
But your legs aren’t the end
You’re a legend and friend
And one day you’ll Captain a band

Now Bubba
Was a shrimping boat fisherman
He died right there in Vietnam
That’s all I have to say
About that fateful day
Except for how saddened I am

He said: ‘Forrest, why is this happening?’
(It was happening because he got shot)
Said ‘I wanna go home!’
And he wasn’t alone
But you stick by the friends that you’ve got

Da da da de de da
Da da de de da
da da

Now Jenny’s advice
Was to run away
From trouble, or maybe to fly
But you wouldn’t survive
Or be here alive
If I ran off and left you to die

He said:
‘Gump, you were better off killing me,’
‘And to leave me to die on that day!’
But to die on that ridge
Or to jump off a bridge
It’s the same thing as running away

You ain’t got legs
You’re Lieutenant Dan
You left them, back in the ‘Nam
But your legs aren’t the end
You’re a legend and friend
And one day you’ll Captain a band

Jenny died
On a morning, on a Saturday
I had her placed under our tree
It’s not for forever
We’ll soon be together
When the end of time comes to claim me

You see
Destiny flows like a river
And fate like a feather in flight
But don’t let yourself go
Or just go with the flow
Or go gentle into that good night

Da da da de de da
Da da de de da
da da

You ain’t got legs
You’re Lieutenant Dan
You left them, back in the ‘Nam
But your legs aren’t the end
You’re a legend and friend
And one day you’ll Captain a band

—

A haunting but hopefully not-too-horrible take on Bob Seger’s ‘We’ve Got Tonite’ (equally famous as ‘We’ve Got Tonight’ by Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton). Nothing too graphic, just a bit spooky is all. Maybe a smidgen of cannibalism and face-peeling, but nothing entirely untoward.

‘Screaming Ghost’ firelighters by fireburngood.com

LYRICS – ‘Why Don’t You Scream?’, the Spooky version of We’ve Got Tonight

Sung to the tune of ‘We’ve Got Tonite’ by Bob Seger.

I know it’s late
I know you’re weary
I know your plans
don’t include me

Still, here we are
down in the basement
Or maybe a shelter
cellar, or dream

What is your hurry?
No one can hear, girl
Call on your cheer squad!
Bring out your team!

We’ve got tonight
There’s no tomorrow
We’ve got tonight, baby
Why don’t you scream?

I’ve watched you sleep
I’ve watched you changing
Haunted your children
Into their teens

I’ve longed for lungs
Like everyone else does
Or maybe some liver
With fava beans

So there it is girl
You’ve done it all now
Running through quicksand
Falling for me

We’ve got tonight
There’s no tomorrow.
We’ve got tonight, baby
Why don’t you scream?

I know it’s late
I know you’re weary
I know your plans
They don’t include me
Still here we are
We both need our mother
I mean ‘another’

We’ve got tonight
There’s no tomorrow
Cut off your mask, baby
Peel at the seams

Turn out the lights
Run, by all means
I’ve got this knife, baby
Why don’t you scream?

I’ve got this knife, baby
Why don’t you scream?

–

I’ve been looking for the right vehicle for these educational couplets for a while now, and the moment I recalled Bruce Springsteen crooning the words ‘Hey little girl, is your daddy home?’ I knew I wanted to burn this song down and start again.

Lyrics below the fold. There’s also an extra ‘no lyrics’ version just below the karaoke video if you feel like spacing out and watching hearts burn for a few minutes. This piano cover of I’m On Fire is by Neil Archer.

KARAOKE VIDEO

INSTRUMENTAL ONLY

LYRICS – You’ve Got Fire

(Sung to ‘I’m on Fire’ by Bruce Springsteen)

Hey, bright sparks, remember this
Every fire starts with pyrolysis
Oh yeah
It’s what’s required
Oh, ho, ho if you want fire

All molecules break down in heat
Into the things combustion eats
Oh yeah
Here’s what’s required:
Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

I’m telling you the source of fire’s heat
Is when two atoms like to meet
Oh yeah
It’s what’s required
Oh, ho, ho if you want fire

The heat of a fire is released when
Hot carbon meets with oxygen
Oh yeah

That heat goes higher
Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

You see photosynthesis
Takes sun like it should
And it grows solar batteries
Made out of wood

The energy will stay stored in there
Until you apply heat and air
Oh ho

It’s what’s required
Oh, ho, ho
if you want fire

The flames above that fire’s soul
Are floating oxidising coals
Oh yeah
Watch them float higher
Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

–

–

Nazis specifically and racists generally will hate this song, but hating is what they do, and there’s not a lot I can do about that other than try to educate them.

The differences between us are cultural and cosmetic, and the only thing that can make you less human is abandoning your humanity (e.g. by somehow thinking you are better than other humans).

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – Chariots of Fire: the ‘We Love Being British’ version

(Sung to ‘Chariots of Fire’ by Vangelis)

Britons!
Britons!
Britons!
Britons!

We love being British
We love being free
We love being British
We love it like tea

Though some will like coffee
And some will be black
And some will be mocha
You know that’s a fact

And some will love someone else’s god
And some will love none
And you need to be OK with that
‘Cause there’s nothing wrong

And there’s nothing wrong with Britain now
That it can’t be fixed
But you must be strong and understand:
Results will be mixed

Results will be mixed, dear
Results will be mixed
Results will be mixed, dear
Results will be mixed

If that has you triggered
And fearing you’ll die
Or merely embittered
You’re living a lie.

‘Cause some will love someone else’s god
And some will love none
And some will love all of humankind
And some, just the one

And there’s nothing wrong with Britain now
That it can’t be fixed
But you must be strong and understand:
Results will be mixed

Results will be mixed, dear
Results will be mixed
Results will be mixed, dear
Results will be mixed

Results will be mixed, dear
Results will be mixed
Results will be mixed, dear
Results will be mixed

Britain!
Britain!
Britain!

–

Life in a Northern Town by The Dream Academy always reminded me of The Four Yorkshiremen Sketch, so I finally smooshed them together and here we are.

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘The Four Yorkshiremen Sketch version’ of ‘Life in a Northern Town’

(Sung to ‘Life in a Northern Town’ by The Dream Academy)

Who’d a thought back when we
Would be happy with cups of tea
Without sugar or milk for me
Or tea

You were lucky you had a cracked cup
We drank from newspapers we had rolled up
We sucked on a damp cloth or mop
Ohhhh!

Ah hey oh ma ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey oh ma ma ma hey-y-yah
Life in a hole in t’ ground
Ah hey ma ma ma ma

We were happy because we were poor
We were happy and living indoors
A family of twenty or more
With nothin’

You were lucky you had any floors
We lived in a corridor
We lived in a hole underground
With tarpaulins
(Yeah yeah!)

Ah hey oh ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey oh ma ma hey-y-yah
Life in a hole in t’ ground
Hey ma ma ma ma
Ah hey oh ma ma
Ah hey oh ma ma hey-y-yah
All t’mills shut down

We’d dream of a corridor
The luxury of a floor
But we were all way too poor
And LUCKY!

We lived in a lake, it were bleak
In a brown paper bag with a leak
Working at mill all week
All week

Ah hey oh ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey oh ma ma hey-y-yah
Life in a hole in t’ ground
Ah hey oh ma ma ma
Ah hey oh ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey oh ma ma hey-y-yah
You try and tell kids now!

Ah hey oh ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey oh ma ma hey-y-yah
Life in a hole in t’ ground
Ah hey oh ma ma ma
Ah hey oh ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey oh ma ma hey-y-yah
You try and tell kids now!

–

I was but a child when I first saw a grown woman dressed as a boy and felt strange feelings that had nought to do with wire work.

This song was years in the making but took two minutes to write.

(Sandy, if you’re reading this, I’m a responsible adult and my feelings for you are respectful and chaste. I can’t speak for the 9-year-old beast inside me, but I’m deeply appreciative of the years you put into your entertainment career, and I hope you’re enjoying your retirement in happiness and good health.)

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘Dear Sandy Duncan’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘Lady D’Arbanville’ by Yusuf/Cat Stevens)

My dear Sandy Duncan
Why do I feel these feels?
How are you so elfin?
Are you for real, for real?
Are you for real, for real?

My dear Sandy Duncan
Go flying in your tights
Straight on until morning
Meet a wild boy tonight
A wild boy tonight

My dear Sandy Duncan
Your smile haunts my dreams
Surrounded by Muppets
Love bursting at the seams
Love bursting at the seams

My dear Sandy Duncan
You never brought us shame
You lived with the Hogans
Until they took your name
Until they took your name

My dear Sandy Duncan
Our Star Spangled Girl
The loveliest lady
In the entire world
In the entire world

La la la la la la
la la la la la la
La la la la la la
la la la la la la
la la la la la la

My dear Sandy Duncan
Why do I feel these feels?
How are you so elfin?
Are you for real, for real?
Are you for real, for real?

My dear Sandy Duncan
Come flying in your tights
Straight on until morning
Meet this wild boy tonight
This wild boy tonight

I love you, dear Sandy
Come flying in your tights
Straight on until morning
Meet this wild boy tonight
This wild boy tonight

–

Steve Austin was forced to do work as a secret agent and he clearly resented it, but the government would often remind him that he owed them 6 million dollars… after their plane fell out of the sky and they rebuilt him using experimental bionic parts.

That never made sense to me. The first thing I would do with my bionic right arm is punch a certain secret government agency right in the face before leaving a Steve-Austin-shaped hole in the wall.

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘The Six Million Dollar Man’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘The Edge of Reality’, as performed by Elvis Presley)

Oh I can hear Steve Austin running
Faster than humans can

He is the cyborg of the future
The Six Million Dollar Man

I heard them say
‘We can make him better,
Science says we can’

‘A better, stronger, faster Steven’
The Six Million Dollar Man

Oh the Six Million Dollar Man
He runs fast as autos can
And has a bionic right arm
Oh the Six Million Dollar Man
His butt has a turbo fan
His pants an electric alarm

‘Gentle-men, we can rebuild him.’
‘Atomic legs and hand’

And oh my lord, they just took his eyeball!
He’s the Six Million Dollar Man!!

Oh the Six Million Dollar Man
He crashed when it all began
Technology cost him his soul
Oh the Six Million Dollar Man
His brains are a custard flan
He woke up and lost all control

Oh Steve escaped from the lab at midnight
This wasn’t in the plan!

If he returns, he may destroy us
The Six Million Dollar Man!

–

Did you know that David Bowie wrote his own lyrics to this tune made famous in the English speaking world by Frank Sinatra (via lyrics by Paul Anka)? Great story. I won’t spoil it.

Bowie wrote about a fool who learns to love. My lyrics are about the blue crabs of Chesapeake Bay and their struggle with pollution or just getting ahead in life when they can only go sideways. I guess we each have different outlooks.

If you live near to Chesapeake Bay (or ANY watershed), here are 8 simple things you can do to restore the river and save the bay. If you like, you can also help the Chesapeake Bay Foundation maintain their mission toward a restored Bay, rivers, and streams for today and generations to come.

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘Sideways’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘My Way’, as performed by Frank Sinatra)

And now
The bay is near
To crisis point
One thing is certain

My friends
The waters clear
When folks take care
And throw less dirt in

To live a life that’s full
We need our bay
To be more OK

We cry
I’ll tell you why
I’ll tell you
sideways

Phosphorus
And nitrogen
And algae blooms
And microplastics
We need
Solutions now
Both incremental
And somewhat drastic

And why
I hear you cry
Why should I care
About a mere bay
And I
I will reply
I live there
Side
ways

For I’m a crab!
I’m sure you knew
And I’m delicious
In soup
or in stew
They eat me straight
Out of my shell
But if you do
not cook me well
You will be seized
With lung disease
And you’ll go sideways!

And now
That it’s low tide
If you sit still
You may just meet us
But please
I’ll ask you once
And oh so nicely
Maybe don’t eat us
For we’re
No mere entrees
We are the blue crabs
Of Ches-a-peake Bay
We do
Do things like you
But do them
Sideways

For I’m a crab
What have I got?
My life ahead
And that is a lot
But I can’t see
And cannot reach
What lies before
Us on the beach
It’s just not fair
Trash everywhere
And it’s all
Sideways

–