Bloggerheads

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Date
20021101
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:53
U.S. Senator Paul Wellstone (a self-described ‘liberal Democrat’) died when his plane crashed in Minnesota last week. The black boxes are missing. Speculation is rife, and the focus is on George Dubya Bush. Dr. Michael I. Niman provided the main ammunition for conspiracy theorists with this piece, which was followed by this, a more tempered article by Ted Rall. Both have now been hammered over at Salon.com, and all three links have been dominating Blogdex for days.

So, who’s right?

Personally, I think the truth lies somewhere in Ted Rall’s piece (which was quoted waaay out of context by Salon.com – who also neglected to provide a link to the full article). If you read it in full, he’s not saying Dubya is an arsehole who will stop at nothing; he’s suggesting that Dubya is an arsehole that nobody trusts.

[UPDATE – You’ve probably also noticed that some folks don’t think he’s very bright.]

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Date
20021101

Time
08:55
Never mind the hackers, it’s the boogeymen that are after you.

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Date
20021101

Time
08:57
Meet the Hugman. He loves. He hugs. He loves to hug.

Just like Barney the dinosaur. In other words, he’s evil incarnate.

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Date
20021101

Time
09:00
Elwood Blues (aka Dan Akroyd) said it best – over twenty years ago, I might add – on the excellent album Briefcase Full of Blues:

“You know, so much of the music we hear today is preprogrammed electronic disco. We never get to hear master blues men practicing their craft any more. By the year 2006 the music we know today as the blues will exist only in the classical records department of your local public library.”

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Date
20021101

Time
09:07
Someone popped a cap into Jam Master Jay.

Just in case you haven’t aleady heard about it a dozen times already.

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Date
20021101

Time
09:09
Get a personal consulation (erm, via email) from Daniel DiCriscio, the makeover artist to the ‘stars’.

I’m tempted to offer him a design consultation by email. His website sucks.

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Date
20021101

Time
09:24
Heh. I watched The Shining last night, so this amused me for all of 30 seconds.

(Link via ultimateinsult.net)

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Date
20021101

Time
09:48
Sometimes, I even manage to amuse myself.

*yawn*

OK, must get ready for London now.

I gots me a photo shoot to do.

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Date
20021101

Time
09:52
Oh, just before I go:

Is visiting this site costing your boss money?

Probably. Still, you can always claim that you’re researching viral marketing and what not. It works for me, but then I’m my own boss.

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Date
20021102

Time
02:03
Congratulations to the gentlemen who tonight insisted that our creative differences stemmed from the ‘fact’ that he was an ‘artist’.

Now I ask you: Is this art, or is this art?

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Date
20021102
Is It Art?
Time
10:07
Dammit. For months now, I’ve been trying to decide whether I should reclassify myself as an Artist.

Actually, I’ve been entertaining this notion since seeing the work at conceptlab.com over two years ago. The problem is, after my run-in with a self-proclaimed ‘artist’ last night – a man who is convinced that I’m riding on his coat tails – any move I now make in this direction is sure to be seen as yet another imitation of what he does.

So…

1) Should I let this stop me?

2) Is what I do art (or is it too sullied by filthy lucre)?

I’m serious, BTW. Feedback would be appreciated. The last thing I want to do is look like a pretentious tosser.

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Date
20021102
25 Years Ago
Time
10:32
I received a fantastic parcel in the post this morning – a diary from when I was 7 years old. Thanks Mum.



You know what’s going to happen now, don’t you? It’s inevitable, really:

Monday, 7th March, 1977

on Saturday I made a barricade on top of a big pile of mud in the corner. Then I put a pile of coal in it and spreaded them out for the floor. When I came up with the last mud rock I slipped in a big muddy puddle and whem I got back home mum gave me a smack and I went to bed.

Teacher’s comments: Four corrections, three ticks and two stars.

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Date
20021103

Time
09:04
Yep, that’s art.

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Date
20021103

Time
09:10
It looks like all references to John Leslie are being quietly erased over at the BBC website.

This page has been removed, but is still in Google’s cache.

John Leslie even seems to have disappeared from this listing in H2G2, which is a disgrace – especially as the site is littered with the happy-happy banner message: “On h2g2, you get to decide what goes into the Guide.”

But they get to decide what gets taken out, obviously.

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Date
20021103

Time
13:04
The latest edition of Celebrity Bestiality is out. The subject this month just had to be John Leslie.

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Date
20021103

Time
13:11
Ooh, lookie. A nice collection of sites by people who contribute to B3ta. I am by far the most normal. No, really.

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Date
20021103

Time
21:32
Well, she’s finally done it. Together with News of the World, Posh Spice has finally pulled off the ultimate publicity stunt.

Barrymore, Leslie and now Mrs Beckham…

Christ, doesn’t anyone call the police first anymore?

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Date
20021104

Time
10:02
Catherine Zeta Jones has turned down a multi-million dollar offer to star in a grumble flick. What a shame. I’m sure John Leslie would have been able to talk her into it.

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Date
20021104

Time
10:06
How fast can you type?

Well, as a hunter and pecker I don’t do too badly, but I am starting to suffer from computer-aided dyslexia.

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Date
20021104

Time
10:07
So, who was really behind the shooting of John Lennon? The answer is as entertaining as it is thought-provoking. Have a dig through the site – it’s all good stuff.

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Date
20021104

Time
10:09
Well, how about that? Folks are finally realising that Icann is crap. They’re also largely unnecessary. Think about it – do you place your trust in name.com first, or go straight to Google?

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Date
20021104
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
10:12
The Mirror Project should do well over the next few days, tapping as it does into a common bond that all photgraphers share and then making a largely pointless website about it.

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Date
20021104

Time
10:14
As if airplanes weren’t dangerous enough. Now it’s not even safe to drink the water. Do what I do and stick to those little bottle of Bourbon. The hours just fly by.

(Oh, and for safety’s sake, do try to get a seat in the rear of the plane. There has never been a recorded instance of a plane backing into a mountain.)

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Date
20021104
25 Years Ago
Time
10:17
From the genuine diary of Manic (Age 7)

Monday, March 14th, 1977

Today I started riding my bike to school but Rowan lost the key. I got a idea to use a bobey pin as a key and when I tried it fitted the lock. So today mum will be buying a new lock and key.

Teacher’s comments: Four corrections, one tick and a little witchy stamp.

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Date
20021104
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
13:29
Tch! Would you look at that? (See first comment below entry.) No wonder I get so much of Tony’s mail. People are stupid.

Oh, and FunJunkie just now buzzed me a link to this article at The Register. Basically, it outlines a report that found 3/4 of all UK government sites are shite.

It also specifically mentions the site for 10 Downing Street, saying that one of the reasons it rated so poorly was that ‘it allows no way for members of the public to contact either the Prime Minister or his office.’

Well, there you have it. And you can’t say that I didn’t offer to help.

So, today, I do believe I will delete… (Manic asks youngest son for number between 1 and 10)…

10? 10 it is.

Hmm, let’s have a look. Nothing interesting in there, really – just the usual pleas for peace, love and mung beans. Oh, wait, there is one chap who is sure that the quake in Italy was triggered by Crux Orientalis, through ‘subtaranean, atomic explosion’. Ooh, lookie, and another Italian who by the looks of things has CC’ed every other world leader in an appeal for immediate economic aid.

Oh well, I’m sure Tony already knows. And cares. That’s why he only wants to hear from you by snail mail.

OK, here we go…

10 wonderful emails intended for the PM. Count them as they disappear into oblivion!

Ah 1 *delete*, ah 2 *delete*, ah 3 *delete*, ah 4 *delete*, ah 5 *delete* – Ahahahahaha!

Ah 6 *delete*, ah 7 *delete*, ah 8 *delete*, ah 9 *delete*, and ah 10 *delete*!

10 deleted emails! Ahahahahaha!

[Ths blog was brought to you by the number 10 and the letters W, T, and F.]

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Date
20021104

Time
14:38
Here’s one of the more interesting sites that links to the whole Tony Blair email thing:

“Believe it or not, in Britain, guide dogs who arrive at a British airport or port from most countries in the world cannot enter – customs officials will send them to a quarantine kennel for six months.”

Read more here.

Six months?! What the bloody hell is a blind person supposed to do without their guide dog for six months?

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Date
20021105
Christianity Watch
Time
08:41
The athiest boy scout was, ultimately, kicked out. Time to leave the planet, methinks.

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Date
20021105

Time
08:45
Pop-ups may be on the way out (says the article with a pop-up for American Express).

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Date
20021105

Time
08:47
A 19-year-old offender with ‘countless’ court cases behind him and an electronic tag on his wrist has won close to £10 million on the lottery. What the Daily Mail will make of this one is anybody’s guess.

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Date
20021105
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:50
Retro for the geeks – CD-Rs that look like vinyl records. I’m a vinyl junkie from way back – but I’m also a cheapskate. The £10 bulk packs will do me fine, thanks.

Oh, and it’s been a long time since I’ve seen Yet Another Lame Quiz rate well on Blogdex, so this rates a mention also:

Which Founding Father Are You?

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Date
20021105

Time
08:55
Teacher threatens to shoot pupils for not playing recorders correctly.

Now that’s just not on. I’ve heard some horrible recorder recitals in my time and let me tell you that even one bullet would be a waste. Clubbing’s the way to go, so it is.

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Date
20021105

Time
09:04
How the bloody hell did I miss this?

OJ claims to be ‘not 100% sure’ that he’s innocent.

“If it turns out that I’m actually the one who did it, then looking for the real killers would be a big old waste of time.”

Hmm, pehaps he was being a tad sarcastic. Just a stab in the dark, mind you…

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Date
20021105
Viral Marketing
Time
09:08
I was so busy yesterday that I didn’t pick up my copy of Monday’s Guardian until well after midnight, and was greatly amused to discover – shock, horror – that not all ‘amateur’ virals are by amateurs. This article even suggests seeding such things requires you ‘to walk into an internet cafe and email it to viral sites such as Lycos’ Viral Chart.’

This is just my personal opinion, mind, but I’m pretty sure that no such cloak and dagger nonsense in necessary when it comes to Lycos. Judging by the pretty lame material that have in their ‘featured’ selection, I’m pretty sure that there’s a commercial wire going right into the guts of the thing.

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Date
20021105
Flash Games
Time
11:08
Kill Harry Potter!

This was released for the last film, but it’s still fun.

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Date
20021105

Time
13:20
Here’s some nifty London trivia for you.

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Date
20021105
Photoshopping
Time
16:20
I had a bit of a London-ey thing going on today, so there were a few images floating around. You may recognise the rather familiar landmark on the right, you might (or might not) also recognise this one.

All quite fun, but only this one made the front page at B3ta.

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Date
20021105
OK, So I’m a Lego Geek
Time
17:23
WARNING: This is only for those with a hefty connection (.MOV file size is 14MB):

See the trailer for Star Wars Episode III – The Rise of The Empire made entirely out of Lego.

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Date
20021106
Been There, Done That
Time
08:46
We’ve already seen Dancing Paul and the commercial adaptation for the UK – Stereo MPs (built by Paul) – so why the hell should we care about Dancing Bush (also built by Paul)?

It’s time to change the bloody record, surely?

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Date
20021106

Time
08:52
Posh Spice (she’s the one who looks and acts as common as dog’s muck) doesn’t want to be known as ‘Posh’ anymore – but she sure as hell doesn’t want anyone else to use the name, either.

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Date
20021106
Christianity Watch
Time
08:54
We’ve blogged this Bible-quiz based television show before, but now it’s got a slammin’ new site with funky dance music.

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Date
20021106

Time
08:57
Family robs bank to pay mortgage.

It’s OK, folks. The two 14-year-old daughters only used fake handguns.

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Date
20021106

Time
09:00
Jennifer Dute was arrested by Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis’s deputies for ‘pandering obscenity’ (she was selling homemade porn tapes through a website at www.jendd.com). She fought back by using www.simonleis.com as a portal to her own site, so found herself in court again and got a year in prison.

The article says the sites have since been taken down, but – and here’s a treat for you – there’s still a copy of simonleis.com live in the Web Archive. Enjoy.

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Date
20021106

Time
09:09
More on the tagged hooligan who won close to £10 million. There’s even a picture of him if want to see it. I wonder how many of his past victims are now thinking of suing him for compensation? Probably all of them, I would expect.

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Date
20021106

Time
09:18
The U.S. government is bugging Internet access in public libraries and the FTC wants you to send them your spam instead of deleting it. Man, that’s a lot of data collection.

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Date
20021106
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:21
The Founding Fathers quiz we blogged yesterday shot from #28 to #1 – so well-picked, I would say.

I’ll even go out on a limb and predict that tomorrow’s No. 1 is sure to be the re-design blogger.com competition.

A slightly easier pick, but I’d like to be right two days in a row. Just once.

(Oh, BTW, the pain is over for Dr. Smith…)

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Date
20021106

Time
09:28
New York finally gets a real superhero – and it’s a woman. Yes, she actually dresses up in tights and patrols the city fighting evil. (She goes by the name of Terrifica, but – having no super powers to speak of – she’s got nothing on this woman, who can change into a werewolf.)

More predictions? OK…

Terrifica will be an established Fark.com cliche within a week – and in court or the morgue within a year.

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Date
20021106
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
09:42
Bloody hell. You can even send email to Santa Claus – but not the PM.

As FunJunkie notes: “Frankly, it’s embarrassing!”

Today’s deletion is a fitting one – a rare spam with the subject header: Losing Touch With Your Clients?

*delete*

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Date
20021107

Time
07:55
Let me make this as clear as possible for you: 98% of marketing folk are scum. Or stupid. Or both. (Then, of course, there’s that 1% that are very intelligent scum – you have to watch out especially for these guys.)

As for the final 1% – well, I try as hard as I can to fall into this category. I certainly wouldn’t get a town to consider changing its name to ‘Got Milk..?’ and then leave them to the debate as I (sorry) milked the issue for all the publicity it was worth.

This is just what has been done to the small town of Biggs, who have fought back by turning around and telling everybody to fuck right off. Is the community united in this? Well, let’s put it this way; the only interviewee who still thought the scheme was a good idea used the word ‘proactive’.

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Date
20021107

Time
08:04
I have a busy, busy morning and must rush off (sorry). Here’s a picture to tide you over and somewhere you can waste a few clicks with a clear conscience. Back soon.

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Date
20021107

Time
08:10
Oh, Winona Ryder is guilty, BTW – and the first satirical article is already live.

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Date
20021107

Time
13:37
Huh. How about that?

I’m only 15% insane.

I can’t help but feel a little disappointed.

Remember when I was convinced that killer toys were on the loose in the woods? Does this kind of openly shared delusion count for nothing? I demand a recount! (mutter, grumble, etc.)

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Date
20021107

Time
13:38
I’m not sure how well this flash-based t-shirt store is supposed to be doing.

It’s decidedly Boo-esque (and then some).

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Date
20021107

Time
13:47
Michael Carroll, the tagged offender who won £9.7 million, is no longer tagged. His curfew has been lifted, supposedly so he can hide out from the journalists who have been camped on his doorstep since the news was announced. FFS, can we just hand control of the government over to the media and be done with it?

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Date
20021107

Time
17:22
OK, I’ve got a head of steam up (and the red mist is rising).

Time for a new campaign (just a quickie this time):

Michael Carroll needs more money!

Enjoy.

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Date
20021107

Time
21:06
On the 8th of March this year, I found a photo of a woman wrapped in plastic and learned how to shave my testicles. On the 8th of March next year, 8march2003.com ensures us that an even more astounding discovery will be revealed. (I’m not so sure about that, to be honest. The shaved testicles thing is going to be pretty hard to top.)

[UPDATE – It should be noted for the record that 7march2003.com has already been grabbed by an enterprising cybersquatter. There’s no link because there’s no content – just a shitty pop-up.]

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Date
20021107
OK, So I’m a Star Wars Geek
Time
21:20
Anakin Sywalker explains why he switched to the dark side. Heh. Wow, is that for real or was it written by Emporer Palpatine’s PR company? Also, see the new version of the ‘Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi’ scene. (Links straight to NSFW 2.87MB MPG file – got all of that?)

[Links shamelessly grabbed from BBSpot and TTR2… erm, D2… (sorry, couldn’t help myself).]

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Date
20021107

Time
22:31
Jusht two drinksh can cloud your judgement.

*hic*

(You’re all my besht mates, you are….)

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee are the champyuns, my fre-hend….

Actually, do you think it would be interesting to have a multi-blog bull session? Just three or four blogs getting ‘together’ as it were, spending the day/night/whatever exchanging links/stories and becoming increasingly blasted…

It might be worth it just to do a comparative study on the frequency of typos as the blood/alcohol levels increase.

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Date
20021108
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:31
You might just be wondering how this link almost ended up topping Blogdex:

http://www.ecreditrepair.com/creditrepair.asp?RefId=26364

It’s pretty obvious that it’s an affiliate link – but how did a unique affiliate link get to #6 on Blogdex? Surely that would involve at least a dozen blogs linking to it? Actually, the total number of ‘independent’ links in this case is 14. Culturally it makes no sense – until you take a peek at the link tracker and start poking around.

All of the domains for the blogs involved appear to have been hosted via ItsYourDomain.com. As far as I can tell, at one stage all of them were actual weblogs. Obviously they would have to have been, or Blogdex simply wouldn’t list them. Still, here’s two examples:

Here’s the web archive of accented.org and here’s the whois lookup.

Here’s the web archive of ewwgene.com and here’s the whois lookup.

For each of the 14 sites listed in the link tracker, the domain appears to have been handed over to a company called PopularEnterprises.com (though I’m only assuming that it’s a truly separate company). Popular Enterprises have obviously decided to monetise what appear to be dead/expired domains registered through ItsYourDomain.com by redirecting each (via Javascript) to a shitty multisearch page (each with its own individual code so they can track the results). While it looks like a busy page, almost every link is a search command that feeds back into the core domain via search.netster.com – so Blogdex ignores them. But, down the bottom, on each and every version of this page is a banner that links to – you guessed it – http://www.ecreditrepair.com/creditrepair.asp?RefId=26364

When all of these domains were rejigged after midnight (EST) Blogdex gobbled up the multiple instances of this unique link and fed it into the chart as a valid link of cultural merit.

So, there you go. Mystery solved. Were PopularEnterprises.com lucky, or clever (albeit in a moronic way)? Who cares? It’s an ‘Improve Your Credit Rating’ link. That’s right up there with ‘Get a Bigger Penis’ and ‘Work From Home’. (BTW, just for the record, my credit record is just fine, I’m very happy with my penis size – and I already work from home. So fuck off.)

FFS, people. We don’t mind if you let your weblog die, but do try to at least separate its head from its neck so it can’t rise from the dead and become an agent of evil.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021108
Look It Up
Time
09:50
Braille versions of Playboy are available at the Library of Congress (centrefolds not included).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021108

Time
09:54
“I was so impressed, I… ka-BLAM!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021108
Photoshopping
Time
13:33
My dreams? You do not want to hear about my dreams…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021108

Time
13:42
You see, office pranks are only good if they’re clever.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021108
Christianity Watch
Time
17:15
How did animals get from the Ark to isolated places, such as Australia?

The understand the answer, first you must place unwavering faith in the word of God. Well, there you go.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021108
Photoshopping
Time
17:27
This week’s B3ta challenge is simplicity in itself: Photoshop an Ostrich.

It may not seem like there’s much variety to be had, but the usual Friday rush has already turned up a staggering assortment. My best entry so far is here. Oh, I was also greatly impressed to discover via one of my image searches that you can actually buy an ostrich online. A real, live ostrich. At a discount price, no less.

They even have giraffes but, sadly, no affiliate scheme.

(OK, so it’s a joke. Do you have to spoil all of my fun?)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021109
Michael Carroll
Time
07:51
Here’s a view from the outside: Lottery sparks UK social debate

Oh, and the first search results are in. Not bad. Let’s see what it does for the campaign.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021109
Yet Another 1,675,324 Lame Quizzes
Time
08:02
(See also: It Had To Happen)

Quizilla allows you to take and make quizzes to your heart’s content, thus removing the barrier-to-entry that is coding and allowing every two-bit idea to (finally) be born. This sounds the death knell for the online quiz, surely? Oh, go on – pleeeeease?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021110

Time
12:33
FFS, have you seen the papers this morning? Whatever happened to dignity?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021111

Time
07:45
Here’s a nice little FAQ covering specialised search engines.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021111

Time
07:48
On Friday we blogged Quizilla. Today we find Ghostzilla, the ‘Camouflage Web Browser’. One can only imagine what’s being said behind closed doors over at Toho Ltd..

Anyway, Ghostzilla is an application designed to aid stealthier surfing in the office, so you can happily dodge your responsibilities and reduce your productivity without anyone being the wiser – until someone takes a look at your access logs, that is…

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Date
20021111
So This Is It: We’re All Going To Die
Time
08:09
Earths magnetic field is weakening, but it’s not clapping out; it’s just getting ready to flip. We’re going to be exposed to high levels of radiation and most of our satellites will be fried as a result, but at least Australia will be at the top of the world map where it belongs.

Oh, Mars is sneaking up on us, too. Watch your backs.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021111

Time
08:14
Teacher sends raccoon head to headmaster.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021111

Time
08:15
Bad news for the Bruces: sheep dip has been linked to depression.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021111

Time
08:20
Miss America wannabe dropped from pageant – erm, for being Canadian.

Serves her right. Canadians cannot be trusted.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021111
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
08:23
Is it any wonder that the UK the only western country unable to send email to its democratically-elected leader? The Queen still uses goatskin for notepaper, FFS.

Robin Cook, the ‘modernising leader of the Commons’ is behind the drive for change. He’ll get an email from me this morning – and I’m sure you can guess what it’s about.

While we’re on the subject, it’s been a few days without deletion, and I do believe that 8 is a nice round number (well, it is all curvy and stuff).

Today, amongst other things, Tony Blair didn’t learn about the plight of an Indian man with passport problems, or see a copy of a release from the Institute for the Study of Islam and Christianity (ISIC) saying that Jews are defined as ‘desendants (sic) of pigs and apes’ and that ‘any suicide attack against an Israeli, whether child, woman or youth, is a legitimate act and an Islamic duty.’

He also completely missed out an amazing new deal on ink cartridge refills.

*delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021111
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:44
Waypath is designed to help you start with one weblog, and then (hopefully) use that URL to find several others that share ‘common themes, ideas, and topics.’

I haven’t looked myself up yet – I’m trying to maintain the delusion that I’m reasonably unique.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Waypath is one of the top links on Blogdex today. About this time last year, it was the lovely Firda’s Are You A Blogaholic? quiz.

We are a self-interested bunch, aren’t we?

Still, at least we can unite when the cause is worthy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021112

Time
08:59
See a great collection of old newspaper ads (us Photshoppers live to find collections like this) and some footage of LSD being tested on British Troops (14MB MPG file).

(Both links nabbed from the ever-excellent ultimateinsult.net)

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Date
20021112

Time
09:03
The New Science Institute offer ‘preventive science’ to make terrorist attacks ‘improbable’. That doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence, but if your favourite part of the Bond movie is anything involving Q, then you’ll want to pop along just for the gadgets.

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Date
20021112

Time
09:12
Sod simple bloggage; marketingfix.com may very well make it into the navigation bar (when I get around to updating it, that is).

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Date
20021112

Time
09:15
From the ‘does what it says on the tin’ department comes fuckmicrosoft.com and nomoreaolcds.com

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Date
20021112

Time
09:17
Teenagers posing as traffic cops pull over local Chief of Police.

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Date
20021112
Riding High on Blogdex meets Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
09:19
This is getting ridiculous. Even Saddam Hussein’s son has email. I bet Euan has email, too. Hell, he probably has to show Daddy how to use it. Get your ship together, Tony – before I have a day or two to spare and end up doing something you might regret.

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Date
20021112
Latest Viral Agent
Time
09:22
Oh, now this is good. Which? magazine already has credibility wrapped up – all they needed to do for a good viral mechanism was to somehow make product testing entertaining. They’ve done it. And without harming any animals. OK, so I’m kind of diappointed about that last bit, but this is still pretty cool:

Not only are they running this washing machine non-stop until it breaks, they have four live cams on it and they’re running a pool on when it will finally give up the ghost. Great stuff.

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Date
20021112

Time
09:28
Church of England introduces ‘dress down Sundays’ for vicars. Heh. Can I just say for the record that I get along quite well with my local vicar? Mind you, I’ve yet to tell him that I’ve started my own religion…

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Date
20021112

Time
09:31
Son uses father’s identity to make $5,400 worth of phone-sex calls.

Dad’s pressing charges, which you might consider to be a bit harsh until you consider that the son in question is 34 years old.

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Date
20021112
Search Engine Optimisation
Time
09:55
Andrew just dropped a line with this new search result.

This is pretty good, too considering that my nickname is a fairly generic term and I’m up against bands like the Manic Street Preachers. A pity, though, that the guy above me is also into SEO. Still, Manic isn’t a trading name, it’s just a little voice in the back of my head.

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Date
20021112

Time
10:02
Our Powwow water cooler arrived a couple of weeks ago. We ran out of water last night, but two new bottles just arrived. The delivery man even had some treats for the kids. Huzzah for Powwow!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021112
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
13:06
Searching for Tony Blair’s email address? Even the BBC agrees that this is the best place to start looking, probably because we can tell you that it doesn’t exist. Yet.

(Oh, BTW, one lost soul found this site today because they were looking for ’email for u.k. president tony blair’…)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021112
Photoshopping
Time
17:23
Yeah, I know – straight to hell. What the hey, at least I’m recycling… erm, and that’s got to count for something, right? Right?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021113

Time
08:37
The boys from Jackass have been outdone: a helicopter has crashed while trying to film the bounce of the world’s largest rubber band ball.

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Date
20021113

Time
08:41
This is a joke, but – sadly – this is for real:

As part of their Anti-Harry Potter Conference, the Jesus Party will be cutting up a copy of one book. One book.

Book-burning is rather passé (and environmentally unfriendly), but book-cutting is kind of dull, don’t you think? If they had any imagination – or perhaps a decent flair for the dramatic – they’d gather a pile of books, get one of those industrial wood-chippers in for the day and make a real spectacle of it.

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Date
20021113

Time
08:52
If radial pong doesn’t test your limits sufficiently, perhaps you might like to enjoy some real-life excitement and instead attend Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship in Toronto, Canada this Saturday.

It’s an open tournament, so anyone can compete – but be warned that you’ll be up against Master Roshambollah, ‘the Bobby Fischer of the rock, paper, scissors world’…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021113

Time
08:59
Marge Simpson is getting a boob job.

Completely unnecessary in my opinion. Marge is all-woman, and an all-round domestic goddess. I never went in for the Jessica Rabbit type. I’m more of a Betty Rubble man, myself. Even though she giggles like an idiot and her womb is barren.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021113

Time
09:13
Heading a football too much can kill you. So can eating glass, but it’s a great way to make sure foreigners don’t mess with you.

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Date
20021113

Time
09:16
Bush is a lying sumbitch #872

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021113
Death By Success
Time
09:18
The folks behind 8march2003.com have realised the campaign has gained too much momentum, waaaay too fast.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021113

Time
09:21
The creator of Bondage Barbie has had her day in court and won. Not only is it art, but there’s no case for impact on sales, either. The judge noted quite soberly that ‘to the court’s knowledge, there is no Mattel line of S&M Barbie.’

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021113

Time
09:25
If you plan on dating an inmate, you really should take the time during a conjugal visit to scan their tattoos in order to get to know them better. The word ‘Peckerwood’ or a picture of a bluebird lets you know that they’re a member of the Aryan Brotherhood. The numbers on that tattooed headstone will let you know exactly how many years he’s in for, and a picture of a crying female suggests that he has another woman waiting for him on the outside.

Oh, it’s not listed on the site, but you should probably also keep an eye out for a tattoo above the buttocks saying Get It Here…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021114

Time
09:49
I actually wrote a personal letter to Michael Carroll the other day, (yes, I know the real address, and – la-la-la – I’m not going to tell yoooou) but now I wish I’d waited, because I’ve just had the greatest idea.

He’s got close to 10 million squid and a perceived debt to society, right?

Well, obviously he should do the whole Bruce Wayne thing. You know… set up a secret cave, buy a range of range of cool non-lethal gadgets, then dress up in the finest Kevlar bodysuit so he can go out at nights fighting crime – just like Terrifica.

Brilliant, huh?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021114

Time
09:54
Here’s a nice Thai bride for you. Gosh, do you think the name is a hint?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021114

Time
09:56
Three people have died since the firefighters srtike began. Apparently the interim service provided by the army has been struggling under the load – which includes a rash of hoax calls and ‘minor’ arson attacks. I can’t say I’m surprised. In fact, I was expecting some major arson attacks. It was, after all, a rare night to shine for dedicated pyromaniacs (it’s not often you get to watch something burn right to the ground).

Firefighters on strike. I haven’t been this dumbfounded since the day I left Australia – when they were privatising unemployment. How’s that going, BTW? Is the entire employment sector rotten with recruitment scum yet?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021114

Time
10:04
Woman arrested for preaching from the Bible. This may have had something to do with the fact that she was naked at the time.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021114
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
10:06
Are bloggers primarily geeks? 2nd-top story today: Stan Lee sues Marvel.

‘Nuff said.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021114

Time
10:08
Meet career spammer Laura Betterly. Just as selfish and weak-minded as Ronald Scelson, and desperately in need of a clue-by-four. She’s a pretty little thing, too.

Should we run the same thing again, or try something different this time?

(Oh, there’s some light reading on spammers to help get your blood up here and here. Enjoy.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021114
Christianity Watch
Time
10:13
Explore the Bible/UFO connection. Better yet, take a closer look at the Hollywood/Jesus connection. Both come from different directions, but are equally entertaining.

Oh, and from the ‘yet Another Lame Quiz’ department comes What Christian Theologian are you?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021114

Time
10:42
OK, own up.Who found our site today by searching for Discounted Tennis Balls for Dogs?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021114

Time
13:37
Enjoy some songs about the stock market written by a bunch of fifth-graders.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021115

Time
08:58
This morning I had to go out and buy soap – but I needed a shower before I could go out. I washed myself with shampoo. I’m a disgrace.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021115
Viral Marketing
Time
09:02
Here’s a handy run-down of viral portals. Not terribly useful if you’re looking for viral content, as most of them are used by commercial chappies looking to seed their ‘hilarious’ material. The real stuff turns up on your doorstep. Eventually.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021115

Time
09:03
Woman kept in prison an extra 6 years after Supreme Court order for her release is delayed in the mail.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021115
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:06
There’s many things ranking higher, but only one issue with multiple links – Michael Jackson’s face:

Image at Yahoo! News

Same image at Reuters

Article detailing his appearance in court. (Includes link to slide show – of his face sliding off his skull, by the looks of things…)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021115

Time
09:12
AOL ‘free’ trial costs witless man $916 in phone charges.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021115
LOTR
Time
09:15
Fellowship Of The Peeps. I didn’t find it that amusing, I’m sorry. Are my geek powers waning?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021115

Time
09:19
Here are some nice fake flyers for you to distribute in your neighbourhood.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021115
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
13:16
OK, I’m in the mood (and waiting for a phone call) so let’s delete some more of Tony Blair’s email.

I feel like deleting a baker’s dozen today, so out the door and into the ether goes:

Email 1 – It’s a reply to that chap with passport problems. A nice lady from the Passport Examiner’s office in the Consular Section of the British High Commission has obviously seen the CC the chappie sent to Tony, and decided to CC on the reply as well (the answer was a firm ‘no’, by the way). She obviously wants Tony to know that she’s working ever so hard keeping dirty foreigners at bay. Sorry, love. He doesn’t know and he never will. *delete*

Email 2 – A mother and her two young sons were gunned down in the boys’ bedroom as she read them a bedtime story. You’d expect this thing to be front page of the Daily Mail and what not – but it happened in Israel, so it doesn’t count. Sorry. You might think that Tony cares, but now we’ll never know, will we? Sorry again. *delete*

Email 3 – Oops, here we go. Another email about the same murder. The culprit is revealed to be an operative of Arafat’s Fatah, who belongs to same Sirhan family and ‘carries the same name as the man who murdered Robert Kennedy’ in 1968. I think this last fact was added in an effort to impress George Bush (who also got a copy of this email). Sorry, Robert Kennedy was a Democrat, so he doesn’t count either. *delete*

Email 4 – Ah, here we go. Change of subject. Iraq this time, and someone who is worried that the UN Inspection Team will be snapped up and scattered across the country to serve as a human shield against missile attack. The better take their baseball gloves with them, then. *delete*

Email 5 – What? Israel again? It’s a long one too, outlining seven reasons why the nation of Israel deserves their land. Well, there’s one reason why Tony Blair will never read them. Let me see if you can guess what it is. *delete*

Email 6 – Another passport plea. You know, my proposal to fix this ‘no email for Tony’ problem involved forwarding such emails directly to the departments concerned. Not that anybody at Number 10 listened. Out it goes. *delete*

Email 7 – Yet more email on Israel. I’m deleting this one without reading it. *delete*

Email 8 – And another. This is getting easier as we go along. *delete*

Email 9 – Israel again. That murder again. A touching picture is included this time. I’ve posted it here (left) so at least someone will see it. *delete*

Email 10 – Finally, a change of subject. ‘EU funding is being used’… oh, wait… ‘by the PA to finance its crimes against the people of Isr*delete*

Email 11 – Israel again. That murder again. You should see the CC list on this one. Just about every world leader is in there. Including Tony Blair. Who’s the only one among them who doesn’t have a real email address. Don’t you feel just a little bit embarrassed when you turn up to those world summits, Tony? *delete*

Email 12 – Israel, murder, etc. *delete*

Email 13 – Murder, Israel, etc. *delete*

Oh, OK. One more for luck:

Email 14 – Yep, you guessed it. Little kiddies being gunned down in their beds again. Funny, it seems to have struck a chord. *delete*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021016

Time
09:20
Yay! New Wallace and Gromit!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021016

Time
09:24
AOL has finally bowed to pressure from their users and done away with pop-up advertising. Also interesting is this article, which not only outlines a great many of AOL’s current (and past) woes, but also explains why the Usenet group alt.aol-sucks has been so quiet of late. According to one poster, it’s because ‘everyone knows AOL sucks’. Kind of takes the sport out of it, I agree.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021016

Time
09:30
The man who had sex with a traffic cone is in court. Apparently he did it because a pair of trainers was unavailable at the time.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021016
The End Of Free
Time
14:09
There goes AskMe.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021016

Time
15:58
Here’s a little image to cheer you up.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021016

Time
15:59
This is what Bloggerheads would look like if it were written by Chris Eubanks.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021016
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
16:05
Still waiting – and still deleting Tony’s email.

Today: An email from a young man in India who is having visa problems, but still wishes to study in this country and ‘pursue a career in electrical and electronic engineering’.

*zap*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017

Time
11:03
Heh. Just like in them there movies with the spasms and the squirting and the griiiinding pain, please make it stop! Football team’s water cooler spiked with laxatives.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017
119
Time
11:06
A new store selling anti-terrorism goods has opened a few blocks from Ground Zero.

Oh, and this guy thinks that a UFO played some part in the tragedy. I’m looking at his photographic ‘proof’ of the UFO and damn me if it doesn’t look like a Flying Rod.

What’s a Flying Rod? Well, I’m glad you asked.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017

Time
11:13
Saddam wins in election landslide.

Yes, that’s 100% of the vote, people. No pregnant chads here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017

Time
11:15
Here’s a beautifully comprehesive rundown of the Microsoft ‘switch’ debacle, leading into a few details of similar MS porkies that could very well lead to a new online sport: bull-fishing.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017

Time
11:19
Take heart. Woody Harrelson is out to save the world in a rollicking opinion piece. Oh, and he appears in On an Average Day at the Comedy Theatre, Panton Street, London SW1 until November 3. Box office: 020-7369 1731

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017

Time
11:23
I don’t know how the hell I missed this story:

A new perfume has been created in Germany which smells of rancid beer and cigarette butts.

It’s meant to remind you of the glorious day you spent at the last Oktoberfest. Can’t we expect a hint of vomit as well, then?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
11:27
And in Daypop: This wonderfully complete photographic timeline of a growing family.

I was going to blog it yesterday, but I gave up after wasting ages looking for a partner link. (Remember that range of mug shots showing the steady disintegration of a street prostitute? I’m buggered if I can find it…)

UPDATE – Whoops, speak of the devil. I can’t for the life of me find the original, but I just tripped over this animated version which pretty much tells the story.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017

Time
11:33
I know it’s a bit early, but I thought you might need to read these evangelist’s tips for Halloween now (so you have time to stock up on lamb’s blood and such things).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017

Time
11:36
You can’t fire me for wearing a eyebrow ring! I belong to the Church of Body Modification, which not only requires me to wear such things as a sign of faith, but also allows me to sue your ass!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017

Time
11:38
I have no idea what this is about, but it shure is purdy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017

Time
11:40
Meet Jeef and Tracy. They’re good people. They live right next door. And they smoke pot.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017

Time
13:21
This report on How the Star Wars Galaxy Scores in the Areas of Energy, Garbage and the Environment inspired me to bring that bloody shark back for yet another run.

Remember, starwarskids.com is to blame.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021017
Latest Viral Agent
Time
13:32
You see, a little bit of thought has gone into this one – and a fair amount of faith.

Let’s just say that I don’t hate it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018

Time
10:13
A laff-a-minute court transcript. The defendant in question is accused of stealing 40,000 coat hangers. Impressive. Even the Beatles only managed to steal four.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018

Time
10:18
Oh won’t somebody pleeease think of the web designers?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018
Flash Games
Time
10:20
Play Strip Russian Roulette.

(Link via ultimateinsult.net)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018

Time
10:21
Spam Masquerades as Admin Alerts. Windows Messenger full of holes. Microsoft making money hand over fist. Film at 11.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018

Time
10:24
The ultimate counterscript for victims of persistant telemarketers.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018

Time
10:25
An interesting variation on What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Punctuate your day with a sweet little love song.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018

Time
10:30
Couple sue local authority over ‘vicious’ child.

Seems they didn’t check the tot for the mark of the beast before tagging him as fit for adoption. Instead of cutting the cake at a recent birthday party, he went after his adoptive father with the carving knife. He was 8 at the time.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018

Time
10:38
45-year-old wife fatally bites 65-year-old husband for refusing sex. Her name is Pratt and there’s a picture of this sexy (if somewhat demanding) lass here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018

Time
10:41
OK, people are dying and it’s all very scary – but I must admit to laughing out loud when I heard snippets of the advice given to Washington residents to avoid sniper attack read out on the news last night, especially this instruction:

“When moving outside, walk briskly in a zigzag pattern.”

Altogether now, it’s: Stagger, stagger, stagger, roll… stagger, stagger, fall down… crawl… stagger, stagger…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018

Time
10:48
Join the Ultimate Life Church today. Their USP appears to be group frottage.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
10:52
I was having so much fun yesterday that I completely forgot to delete some of Tony’s Email. Sorry about that. Let me make it up to you with the following double-hitter.

Today: 1) Kind words from an American who is proud of his British roots disappear forever into the ether. Sorry old chum, but we’re still stuck in the 20th century over here dontchaknow? 2) The second message fairs slightly better in that it was CC’ed to George Bush and John Howard (who, if you remember, both have real email addresses). Perhaps they’ll get the ‘future of the world is in your hands’ and ‘war is not the answer’ message – but Tony won’t.

*delete* *delete*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018
Lycos ‘Viral’ Chart
Time
12:42
Can I just note for the record that this image was doing the rounds about a year ago?

Thanks.

(Oh, here’s a bit of proof. Kind of. Just in case you’re interested. See clicky right down at bottom of page.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018
Flash Games
Time
14:44
Play Swearing Simon.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021018
Photoshopping
Time
15:50
This week’s challenge over at B3ta is Badly Misheard Instructions. As you can probably tell, I’m still on a bit of a Star wars kick…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021021

Time
07:33
I’m off to a funeral today, so there will be little or no bloggage. I’ll try not to cry like a bitch or publicly agonise about matters of life and death for weeks afterwards. I know you appreciate it.

BTW, most of you have been wondering, so just allow me to say for the record that it’s a dark load. Luke feels he is ready to face the dark load. There, now you can sleep.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021022

Time
09:19
“NOTICE: Daypop will go offline starting Oct. 25 for a couple weeks.”

Shall I be a pedantic ass and let them know about the typo?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021022

Time
09:21
Porn store owner closes store and burns $10,000 worth of stock because Jesus told him to. Either that, or he’s trying to dodge charges of advertising and distributing obscene material.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021022

Time
09:25
Russian officer receives two-year suspended sentence for beating his troops with a dildo.

Insert ‘privates’ joke here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021022

Time
09:30
Telemarketer claims that telemarketers are people too. No they’re not. They’re scum. At least, they are if they don’t have the decency to be ashamed of what they do for a living.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021022

Time
09:34
Locks of Love is a charity that provides hairpieces to ‘financially disadvantaged children’ suffering from long-term medical hair loss. Nice people will be wondering how they can donate their hair. Evil folks (yeah, I’m talkin’ to you, buddy) will want to go straight to the ‘Before & After’ pictures.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021022

Time
09:39
Blog detectives and the 1,567,422 theories about the Washington sniper.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021022
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
09:41
Jesus H. Christ on crutches! How do these people get anything done?

I can’t give you too many details at the moment, but I can tell you that this is turning out to be a bigger mess than I first thought.

Oh, and emails to Tony are edging ever-closer to maxing out my storage space at another.com, so today I’m just going to delete a dozen emails without even looking at them.

*delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete*

Hm. That wasn’t as much fun as I thought it was going to be. Let’s take a close look at one and delete that as well, shall we?

Ooh, look. Here’s an email from a young man who desperately wants to help in the fight against terrorism, but keeps failing the Army medical. He’s doesn’t want to give up – and has offered to sign a disclaimer making him responsible for all costs should he wash out.

What a shame. Perfect cannon-fodder up for grabs and the boss will never know.

*delete*

Damn, that’s 13 isn’t it? Better do one more, just for luck…

Ooh, lookie – it’s a plea from a young man asking Tony to think again about IR35. He then goes on to whinge about Aussies and Kiwis taking up all the good jobs when they should go back to bar work.

Ahem.

I’m tempted to email him back and point out that I’ve married one of his women, too.

But I shan’t.

*delete*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021022

Time
10:15
A rather questionable publicity shot for Star Wars.

Oh, here’s a small collection of blooper images, too.

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Date
20021022

Time
10:57
Boy, this kid has lived!

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Date
20021023

Time
10:28
Proof that Trekkies have infiltrated the U.S. miltary.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021023

Time
10:31
Dress your child as a pimp this Halloween. It sure would reduce the embarrassment-factor of Mum having to chaperone on the candy run. All the kid has to do is claim that she’s one of his bitches.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021023

Time
10:33
Some detailed background into the Nigerian scam spammers.

Includes some history (it’s been going on for much longer than you would think) and closes with the quite wonderful assertion that the activity is good for Nigeria’s economy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021023

Time
10:37
Bush lies. Well, duh.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021023

Time
10:38
Remember the advice given to Washington residents to avoid sniper attack?

Read the observations of a gas-station attendant as he describes the ducking, weaving and dancing of nervous customers doing the ‘Sniper Shuffle’.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021023

Time
10:43
Debbie Does Dallas: The Musical

What a shame they took out the only thing that made the movie interesting.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021023

Time
10:45
Man robs store in nude after smoking joint dipped in embalming fluid.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021023

Time
10:46
Porn stars plan to protest over ‘unjust’ tax on adult entertainment. Insert ‘money shot’ joke here. Insert ‘hehehehe, you just said insert‘ joke here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021023

Time
10:49
SquirrelJumper.com claims to be ‘the leader in squirrel removal, extraction and relocation applications and services.’ Seems a bit harsh is you ask me. And dull. Squirrel fishing is much more fun.

(It should also be noted for the record that there is an entire category dedicated to squirrel humour in many directories. Thank God for the Interwebnet.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021023

Time
10:56
Blackpeopleloveus.com. I think it’s meant to be funny – and possibly enlightening in some way. No matter. Cliff Yablonski still hates them, and that’s the important thing.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021023
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
11:02
This morning’s deleted email was mostly about firefighters and the upcoming strike, so I took the added measure of printing a copy and taking it outside for a ceremonial burning. People stared.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021023

Time
11:07
I received a particularly insulting/amusing spam this morning. The product was a book with ‘over 200 pages of techniques for successful Internet Marketing’. Now, admittedly, my book is only 106 pages. But it only costs $7.95. The book being plugged in this spam costs $149 (and this is a special offer limited to the next 72 hours). Oh, and it’s being touted by people who spam. In other words, they don’t have a fucking clue what they’re doing. So don’t buy their book. Not that I’m going to tell you where to get it. I can, however, tell you that they ‘collect eMail contact addresses from various publicly available sources’ (in other words, they harvested it from my site or bought from someone who did).

I can also tell you that the people responsible for the spam are The Maverick Partnership (a division of The Which Company Pty Ltd). If you’re a reader from Western Australia, you might wish to visit their office at 42 Wickham Street, East Perth, or maybe drop them a line on 08 6210 1348 and yell ‘asshats!’ down the phone.

I know they’ll appreciate it, just as they knew that I’d appreciate their offer.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024

Time
10:08
Two arrests made in Washington sniper case and sniper complains about ‘incompetent’ authorities. Oh, and radio station follows sniper attack report with ‘Another One Bites the Dust.’

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024

Time
10:16
Yet another site riding on the coat-tails of Google: find out what Google thinks of you at googlism.com

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024

Time
10:19
Former Clinton aide asks government to declassify records of UFO sightings. Yeah, that’ll happen. Then monkeys will fly out of my butt. Erm, and then sightings of same will end up as classified information.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024

Time
10:22
Some tips for digital photographers.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024

Time
10:24
Firefighter tricked into appearing in porn film. Ahhh, he’s only mad because he didn’t get laid as a result.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024

Time
10:25
The recently updated UK blogs list is back.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024

Time
10:27
A guide to spa etiquette and how to behave in a strip club. For Dog’s sake, don’t get them mixed up.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024

Time
10:29
A list of comments overheard at STD clinics.

It opens with a cracker:

“I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks.”

That’s better than splashbacks, surely?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024

Time
10:31
Cartoons of people tickling each other.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024

Time
10:33
I keep telling my children that manual labour is good for them. Now I’ve got this great guide to rock-picking for kids there’s nothing holding me back. According to this, I can work them like slaves for up to 15 minutes at a time. That’s pretty impressive, seeing as I normally struggle to get their full attention for a microsecond.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024
Latest Viral Agent
Time
10:38
Get jiggy with Cartman’s Boombox.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024
OK, So I’m a Lego Geek
Time
11:34
Hurrah! My Nebulon-B escort frigate is finished at last. I won’t be able to do an update on Lugjam for a while, but I do have a special preview just for you. Isn’t it pretty? Isn’t it awesome? Please feel free to send emails of praise, I worked ever so hard on it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021024

Time
14:49
Here’s an image that’s destined for the gallery:

“Help me Scooby Doo Kenoobi, you’re my only hope!”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021025

Time
09:25
You’ll have to pardon me, but I worked my butt of yesterday to clear the decks so the boys and I could go out and play today (it’s the first day of half-term holidays).

So, I won’t be around much, but I can leave you with some desperately unfunny geek humour, the news that Courtney Love’s dog died after eating one of her breast implants, a great 404 page as discovered by The Ultimate Insult (and a bunch of others for those of you who haven’t yet discovered The 404 Research Lab).

Also, I found out today that Tom Jones prefers it when girls throw used panties and Martin got to see the CEO of the RIAA but didn’t throw anything. Perhaps he’d run out of fruit. Or wasn’t wearing any underwear.

Anyway, let’s close with some good advice: It’s probably not a good idea to try and poison your science teacher. They’re too damn clever when it comes to chemicals, and a little paranoid besides.

(Heh. I’ve just thought of the wonderfully smarmy and sadistic Mr Rose for the first time in years. Threatening to rip open your rib cage and pull out internal organs for you to name one by one until you got it right? Now there was a science teacher.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021028

Time
18:41
Oops. Sorry there was no bloggage today. The web server was down this morning, and us boys took off pretty early to see the James Bond exhibition at the Science Museum. I’ll probably do a full review later, but in the meantime let me assure you that it’s not worth £8.95 (for adults). For kids, who are allowed admission at the remarkable knockdown price of £6.95, it’s worth even less. More on this and much bloggage tomorrow, folks.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021029

Time
09:01
Today is an Achievement day. Let’s see how many balls I can knock out of the park.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021029

Time
09:04
A police officer who used to visit schools dressed as McGruff the Crime Dog has been accused of using the Internet to seek sexual encounters with children.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021029

Time
09:07
Female hospital staff sue director over webcam in toilet.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021029

Time
09:11
While this is a pretty good list of mistakes in M*A*S*H, it does miss a biggie – the episode in which they take the urban legend about Charles Drew as gospel. Larry Gelbart himself has acknowledged this error in alt.tv.mash

How do I know? I was there at the time.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021029

Time
09:18
Winona Ryder’s jury of peers includes Sony Entertainment Pictures Chairman Peter Guber. Oh, and here’s a related image from the photoshopping archive and the Celebrity Bestiality article on this subject for good measure.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021029

Time
09:23
MSN and AOL portals relaunch for autumn. Both are still crap, of course, but they look sooooo much prettier.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021029
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
09:26
The Weblog Action Centre is getting some well-deserved attention. I’ll send them an email today and see what they make of the whole Tony Blair thing.

Oops, that reminds me. Heres a nice story about emails sent to Saddam Hussein by members of the public.

I just received another alert about my storage capacity at another.com, too – so today I do believe I will delete… (author refers to random number generator running out of the back end of the prime number shitting bear) …today I do believe I will delete 13 of Tony’s emails. Well, I have been slack on deletions lately and, let’s face it, I need the space.

Browsing through them, they mostly appear to be the usual emails about war, but there is an email from one chap who wants Tony to help him set up a new Art Bistro and Internet Cafe in Coseley in the West Midlands. Hmm, better make that but there was an email from one chap who wants Tony to help him set up a new Art Bistro and Internet Cafe in Coseley in the West Midlands.

*delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete* *delete*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021029

Time
09:42
Bloody hell. They’ll try anything, won’t they? Spammers target referral logs.

Remarkable that something can be clever and moronic at the same time, isn’t it?

(Oh, and is it just me or has anyone else noticed a pronounced increase in email Spam over the last week?)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021029
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:50
B3tans crack it again with The Realistic Internet Simulator.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021029
READERS IN LONDON – WE NEED YOU!
Time
11:37
We’re doing a photo shoot in London this Friday folks, and have a few needs to address. To put it simply, if you live in London and maybe want the chance to appear in Viz, then check out this thread over at B3ta and drop me a line.

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Date
20021029

Time
17:21
Marketing in spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!

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Date
20021030

Time
09:04
Blogdex is back with a vengeance, and boy it shure is purdy. I love the ‘year ago today’ feature, and this fabbo Tron costume made a scan through this year-old list well worth it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021030

Time
09:38
Poor old Angus Deayton has been stitched up like a kipper. OK, so he’s a cheating powder-hound, but you really have to take time out to question the motives – and the methods – of the people behind these revelations. Murdoch’s News of the World is the rag behind it. (If you’re not familiar with NoW and what this shameless tit-filled tabloid is capable of, then you might enjoy this delightful story.

Not satisfied with deliberately timing the release of this new information with the broadcast of the new series of Have I Got News For You (thereby ensuring maximum pressure on the BBC to act as they have done by sacking Deayton from the show), NoW actually went so far as to place the girl at the centre of the original scandal – a prostitute by the name of Caroline Martin – in the audience of the show immediately following publication. (She was the lovely lady who helpfully called out ‘Leave him alone!’)

What isn’t widely reported (or, indeed, mentioned at all in any of Murdoch’s papers) is that the original scandal was actually a set-up. Caroline Martin was sent in by News of the World to target Deayton – and a number of other celebrities – in what is known as a ‘honey-trap’.

This is normally the kind of thing you get to read about in Private Eye, but with editor Ian Hislop being so close to the issue, how much detail will be printed in this week’s issue remains to be seen.

Hang on. It’s out today, innit? I might just pop down to the newsgents soon and check it out.

After I’ve finished amusing myself, of course.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021030

Time
09:39
More telemarketing fun.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021030

Time
09:40
We have a hedghog in our garden, and the little fella appears to be building a nest.

This site showed me how I can help things along.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021030
Christianity Watch
Time
09:43
Atheist scout faces the boot. He has a week to decide ‘in his heart’ if he’s truly an atheist. If he sticks to his beliefs, then he’s out. Nice.

Oh, here are some outstandingly naff Christian t-shirts for you to enjoy, too. I must admit, they’re pretty effective. The first thing I thought when I saw this knockout combination of Cafepress and MS Paint was; ‘Oh, for the love of God…’

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Date
20021030

Time
09:48
I’d be more impressed by this ass-kicking machine if it took names as well.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021030

Time
09:52
Hmm, looks like Winona didn’t have time to steal underwear.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021030

Time
15:30
Those hits out of the park I was after yesterday? There was a pronounced 24-hour delay, but I just got two into the bleachers.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021030
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
15:31
The deletion of Tony Blair’s email continues (blah, blah, blah).

Today: Someone wanting to know what the Prime Minister is doing to control the growing menace of the date-rape drug Progesterex. Erm, it’s a hoax. And this isn’t Tony Blair’s real email address. Go away.

*delete*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021031

Time
09:10
My, how times have changed. MyWay.com thinks that you want a lighter version of Google, and they’re getting quite a bit of support.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021031

Time
09:14
Well, that was a waste of 30 seconds.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021031
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:15
The Evil Clown Generator. As usual, it featured on B3ta first.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021031

Time
09:16
“You wanna see something really scary…?”

Here you go, boys and girls – the ultimate in horror costumes for Halloween. Dress up as a CEO and go door to door engaging in a hostile takeover of every candy provider in your neighbourhood. All you need do is download one of these masks, get yourself an expensive power suit and finish off the ensemble with a few bags of blood-stained money.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021031
In the News
Time
09:23
Read about the Dad who used a tramp as an impromptu babysitter and the bank robber who stopped across the road for a quick bite to eat.

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Date
20021031

Time
09:26
A nice ‘thank you’ to record companies, courtesy of Rolling Stone magazine (links to .pdf file).

(Link via ultimateinsult.net)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021031

Time
09:29
I had a dream last night that I robbed a convenience store. I’m not sure how much cash I nabbed, but I remember being happy enough getting away with a stick of hot Pepperami and a block of cheese without paying for it. (Why I didn’t grab any crackers or beer is anybody’s guess.)

I had two accomplices, and we made our getaway along a nearby dirt track in an Atlantis-blue Holden Kingswood not unlike this one.

(This information is provided just in case you want to shop me to the dream police.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021031
Christianity Watch
Time
09:35
Heh. Spice up your Bible Study sessions by interpreting old episodes of I Love Lucy. Does it cover wife-beating? I’m keen to find out, but it’s $23 per episode. Ho-hum.

You may also be interested to know that an old marketing technique (slipping your business card as a ‘bookmark’ into related books in your local public library) is being used by overzealous Christians in Maine. They’ve been using Counterfeit bills with quotes from the Bible. Their main target is the gay and lesbian literature section.

No, wait, don’t tell me… Romans 1:26-27, right?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021001

Time
09:47
Well, that’s an interesting start to the morning. I just got an email from Bernard Shifman (who he?) requesting that I ‘please remove the content about Bernard Shifman’ from the website.

A real email from Bernard Shifman? I feel honoured. Bloggerheads is now part of interwebnet history.

Thing is, there is no content regarding this on Bloggerheads, just a link on this page, but he does go on to say that ‘it’s causing a ton of problems’ and ‘is escalating because people like (me) are linking to it’.

Perhaps if he proved some evidence for his claims that ‘it’s all made up’, I’d be more inclined to comply. If it is a fabrication, then a heck of a lot of people seem to be in on it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021001
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
10:04
Sexy suicide bombers and a report that porn spam is getting raunchier.

True, very true.

I recently received a porn spam trying to attract me to a ‘Lolita’ site. The (HTML) email actually featured an image of naked and openly provocative girl no older than 8 or 10. After years of porn spam, I can honestly say that this outrage is a first for me.

In fact, I would argue that it smacks of desperation. You can find out more in the Porn Report.

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Date
20021001

Time
10:13
A US sheriff’s department was so taken in by this Onion report that they actually released a circular to warn county residents of telemarketing programs ‘believed to be operated by Al-Qaeda’.

It’s not quite as amusing as Evil Bert’s intrusion into reality, but it’s close.

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Date
20021001
LOTR
Time
10:18
Probably old news to a web aficionado like your good self, but I really should go on the record with this bandwidth-sucking link to the Two Towers Trailer.

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Date
20021001

Time
10:21
Youth pastor resigns over addiction to adult pornography. And rightly so. A youth pastor should be addicted to youth pornography.

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Date
20021001
OK, So I’m a Star Wars Geek
Time
12:25
We mentioned the new Lego Imperial Star Destroyer the other day. If you want to save a few bob and build one yourself, take a look at this awesome original that puts mine to shame.

Oh, I also found some great Lego lightsabers and other weapons at the same site.

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Date
20021001
Can Weblogs…?
Time
15:27
Remember, deletion of Tony Blair’s email begins tomorrow.

To be honest, I don’t have much choice in the matter. Email for Tony currently takes up 6.6Mb of the 10Mb I’m allowed on the another.com account. Between his email and mine, I do believe I’m choose, hmmmmmmmmmmmmm… his.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021001
Photoshopping
Time
15:59
More Elvis today, because yoooooouu asked for it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021002
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
09:53
The first of Tony Blair’s emails is up for deletion today.

I’m starting with the most recent and working my way back. Because it’s easier this way.

Today: An email that attempted to bring to his attention this New York Times article on the ethics of shooting first.

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Date
20021002

Time
09:58
Jeffrey Archer has finally settled with the Daily Star, in a £1.5m out-of-court settlement. Problem is, the Daily Star was recently purchased by Richard Desmond The Pornographer, so all this really amounts to is a money transfer from one scumbag to another.

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Date
20021002

Time
10:08
Trace the almost-daily reports from a school worker as he reveals what’s for lunch.

(Link via ultimateinsult.net)

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Date
20021002
How’s The Novel Going?
Time
10:12
Well, I’m glad you asked. After about 6 months of running the plot through my head and fleshing out the characters, I finally have a full and detailed synopsis written (complete with important plot landmarks and snippets of dialogue throughout). We are ‘go’ for launch. The author of this article, charting well on Blogdex, thinks I should think again. Sorry, gestation is complete. It’s time to give birth. Erm, when my crappy laptop gets fixed, that is. Timing. Murphy. You know how it is.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021002

Time
10:22
The report that blondes would be extinct in 200 years was a hoax.

Phew!

Well, that takes the pressure off me, then.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021002

Time
10:25
U.S. Special Forces have been kicking arse and taking names in eastern Afghanistan with unrivalled tact and diplomacy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021002

Time
10:27
Father shoots himself in head while giving son gun safety lesson.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021002

Time
10:29
The oldest known penis is 100 million years old. It belongs to an ostracod, an early crustacean. Well, actually, I should say ‘they belong’, as the lucky little blighter had two of the trouser beasts.

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Date
20021002
NSFW
Time
10:33
A porn starlet expresses her grief over 911. Of course, she gets her clothes off in the process. As you do.

It’s all part of the healing process, people.

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Date
20021002
People Are Stupid
Time
10:37
Barbara Steisand recently gave a lecture at a gala/concert thingy to make her case against war with Iraq. I know, it’s funny already, right? Wait, it gets better.

She quoted Shakespeare.

Well, at least she thought she did.

Her quote came from a hoax email not unlike the fake Nostradamus gumpf that did the rounds this time last year.

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Date
20021002

Time
10:45
Jim Carroll asks: “Have blogs made it on to your strategic radar?”

But he doesn’t quote me, the bastard.

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Date
20021002

Time
10:47
Isn’t it funny how nobody talks about bin Laden anymore?

(Oh, if you follow the above link, you’ll probably be headed off at the pass with a page asking you to fill out a data form, as ‘knowing more about our audience will help us continue to improve our web site and provide ads that are relevant to our audience’. Isn’t that nice? I told them I lived in Antarctica, but they didn’t buy it when I told them I was born in 1856.)

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Date
20021002

Time
11:03
Tee hee. Someone found Bloggerheads this morning by using the following query in Google:

‘i need U.K president email address’

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021002

Time
11:12
See Edwina Currie’s muff.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021002

Time
12:21
Keep the ‘Elvis in…’ requests coming, folks. It makes for great lunchtime therapy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021002

Time
12:44
Onion considers charging for content. Again.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021002
Search Engine Optimisation
Time
15:06
Hey, that’s me (Lugjam) at No. 2 in Google for ‘lego models’, so it is.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021002
Flash Games
Time
15:28
Cool Tron bike game.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021003
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:53
The Onion : RIAA Sues Radio Stations For Giving Away Free Music.

Not as silly as it sounds. Once upon a time, the big labels decided to impose ‘per play’ charges on Australian radio stations. Locals fought back by featuring more local artists (many of whom re-recorded upcoming hits by foreign artists). A strong and independent music industry soon resulted, and I think the same thing will one day happen on the web.

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Date
20021003

Time
09:58
Babs has her say on the whole fake Shakespeare quote thing.

“The authorship of this is important. But it doesn’t detract from the fact that the words themselves are powerful and true and beautifully written. Whoever wrote this is damn talented and should be writing their own play.”

Huh. Whoever wrote this wanted to prove how stupid people can be. And succeeded.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021003

Time
10:00
The White House press secretary drops a less-than-subtle hint to anyone in Iraq who feels they might want to take a pot-shot at Saddam. Their reward, no doubt, will be a recreational vehicle, a dream home in California and all the Happy Meals they can eat.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021003

Time
10:03
Make your own fake porn page. Fighting fire with fire? I like it. In fact, I’ve been doing it for years.



(Link via ultimateinsult.net)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021003

Time
10:08
META Tags are dead. Duh.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021003

Time
10:09
Man begins to change colour after continued intake of colloidal silver.

He doesn’t take the supplement any more (it has antibiotic properties, in case you were wondering), but the skin condition it set off – argyria – is permanent.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021003

Time
10:12
Halloween costumes for kids in wheelchairs.

I’d question the good taste of the Superman costume, but the construction outfits are just great.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021003
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
11:03
What lesser-known Simpsons character are you?

Bloody hell. The result buttons are enormous!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021003
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
11:43
The day-by-day deletion of Tony’s email continues.

Today: An email from a ‘world citizen’ asking for ‘Middle East piece’ (sic).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021003
Photoshopping
Time
13:18
Today’s ‘Elvis In…’ request:

The Graduate (for Lea)

Keep ’em coming, folks.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021003

Time
15:01
Spend a pleasant afternoon browsing through cases of animal abuse.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021004
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
10:29
A busy day with little bloggage, unfortunately – but there is time to say farewell to yet another of Tony’s emails.

Today: A letter from a Bangladeshi boy whose father is a government officer. He’s asked if Tony can drop round and visit his house sometime. His chances are pretty slim, wouldn’t you think?

Especially now.

*delete*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021005
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
08:50
Oi be zoider-making today! Ooh-arr, ooharr.

But there’s always time for Tony…

Today: A long email from a Muslim who thinks that war is not the answer. He urges Tony to ‘start listening to a multitude of voices’. How ironic that his message must be sacrificed in order to ensure that those voices are heard.

*sigh*

Oh, sorry. I got a bit full of myself there.

Where was I?

Oh, yes…

Oi be zoider-making today! Ooh-arr, ooh-arr.

Unload them bags, pulp them apples, press that flesh and fill them barrels. Ooh-arr, ooh-arr, ooh-arr.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021007

Time
08:47
Google may start charging for some searches. With stuff like this regularly pounding their service, I’m not surprised.

Oh, when the ‘end of free’ does eventually come to Google, you can bet it will include a nominal charge for the privilege of daily indexing.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021007

Time
08:52
Promotional CD for New Zealand orchestra gets pornalised.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021007

Time
08:53
‘Crazy lady with lots of cats’ story enjoys new twist. This time there’s kitties and kiddies.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021007

Time
08:58
Man lives after he is shot 25 times.The shooter (who is still at large) pulled out one handgun, emptied into the victim, pulled out another, emptied that – and then pulled out a third!

Police spokesman Sgt. Paul Accardo said that “preliminary investigation indicates the (shooting) motive may stem from some type of argument.”

Oh, really?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021007
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
09:05
Oops, I forgot to delete some of Tony’s email yesterday, so we’ve got a ‘twofer’ this morning.

Today: Two AOL users, as chance would have it. One simply says ‘please, no war’, the other goes into a little more detail, suggesting as he does that Tony not get involved and instead ‘leave the Middle East polecats to kill each other off.’

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021007

Time
17:57
The latest edition of Celebrity Bestiality is live. Late. Again.

This month: A loud-mouthed dolphin spills the beans on the recent Barrymore unpleasantness.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021008

Time
09:29
How’s this for a dream job? The Home Office is looking for a writer for their propaganda department. They ask:

‘Could you write articles for both national papers and magazines in the fight against terrorism and crime?’

It then goes on to explain that ‘you will be handling sensitive issues about people’s rights and responsibilities – sometimes to unsympathetic readers’ and that ‘it’s a tough challenge but one of the most rewarding jobs around with a huge audience at your fingertips.’

What do you think – should I apply?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021008
In the News
Time
09:31
Father puts seatbelt on case of beer, but not his son.

Angry neighbour shoots man for mowing lawn too often.

Cows given illegal boob jobs for World Dairy Expo.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021008

Time
09:37
You may have noticed Blogdex has been down for the last few days. In truth, it’s been struggling to keep up for months. It seems they ‘didn’t build the index with the future in mind’ and are paying for it now. Oops.

The two features that overloaded the system were the ‘URL search’ and the ‘all time index’, both of which have been dropped from the primary navigation bar since about May, but it only takes a quick URL workaround to query the system for either of these, so the demand no doubt has continued regardless of this strategic withdrawal.

We hope to see a bigger and better Blogdex return in a week or so.

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Date
20021008
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
09:44
Yes, we’re still deleting Tony’s email.

Today: A very angry letter about the ‘United Nazis Organization’. Not a big loss, this deletion. After all, it was CC’ed to George Bush and Iain Duncan Smith.

Yes, even IDS has a public email address. He also wants to be a pirate, but that’s beside the point.

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Date
20021008

Time
10:04
After months of neglect, the Photoshopping gallery has been updated with some fresh material, including quite a few samples from my recent ‘Elvis’ phase. If you’ve been to the Photoshopping gallery before, you might want to jump straight to where the new stuff begins. If it’s just Elvis you’re after, you might want to start here.

BTW, requests for ‘Elvis In…’ are still being taken. Emails to the usual address.

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Date
20021008
Latest Viral Agent
Time
15:43
Issue an arrest warrant for the waste of space in your life. This is by the clever chaps behind Crackermatic, and really is wonderful. And I’m not just saying that. No, really.

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Date
20021008

Time
15:56
Here you are – go play in traffic. Completely irresponsible. You’ll love it.

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Date
20021009

Time
09:04
There may be little bloggage today.

The Tony Blair thing got a nice write-up in Metro and I have a few things to do.

I’ll bring you up to speed shortly.

Oh, OK, here’s a link to keep you busy in the meantime:

Think your kids are something special? They’re not. In fact, they’re rubbish.

UPDATE – I’m declaring a 24-hour amnesty on deletion. I could be nasty and go straight out and use this article as leverage, but two things have resulted from this article:

1) The statement from Downing Street regarding this read as follows:

‘We have plans to introduce an e-mail address for the Prime Minister in the near future, but we have set no date set yet.’

2) The journalist who wrote the piece asked me a very interesting question at the close of the interview. He asked if I would be willing to set up the service personally and you know, I actually had to think about that for a second or two. The answer? Yes, I would. In fact, yes I could…

I’ve done some research on the number of search queries made for Tony Blair’s email address and I’m estimating from that a total of 10,000 emails a month. I talked to a service provider that can not only handle the email, but also scan it for any nasty viruses along the way (being a published address, it will be vulnerable to attacks – automated and otherwise). These guys do some serious work at a local government level and have dealt with beefier back-ends and higher processing requirements than this.

I’m also in a unique position in that I know how to publicise the address in search engines. I could have the service set up in a week. A week. Search engine results would be live in Google within days following launch, and I’m pretty sure I can expedite quite a few other results given my list of contacts combined with the nature and importance of the content.

Haven’t set a date? How’s a week from tomorrow sound?

I’ll get back to you and let you know what the folks in charge have to say about it all.

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Date
20021009
Photoshopping
Time
11:58
It’s a fact: MC Hammer taught Hitler how to dance.

No, really, it’s true.

You can see some other far less interesting moments from the past here.

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Date
20021009

Time
13:29
Well, I’m having a good day.

I just got a call from the wonderful folks at Powwow water.

I entered an online draw a few weeks ago, and now I gots me a free water cooler for a year and two free bottles of water a fortnight.

I know, I’m such a jammy bastard – but I need one more for the hat trick. I’ve got a lottery ticket for tonight’s draw, so here’s hoping.

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Date
20021009

Time
16:12
Bloody hell, it feels like I’ve been on the phone the whole day.

Actually, I think I have been on the phone all day.

I’ll let you know what comes of it all.

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Date
20021010

Time
08:31
FBI gets tough with anti-porn email stalker by turning up at his door and telling him to ‘knock it off’.

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Date
20021010

Time
08:33
Eating dogs and cats will soon be illegal in Australia. Well, in one state anyway.

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Date
20021010

Time
08:34
I spy with my little eye, something beginning with… eurgh.

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Date
20021010

Time
08:36
Elvis impersonator sues rival for sabotaging his business by telling fans that he’s a registered sex offender. A lie. A blatant lie. As it turns out, the man in question used to be a registered sex offender, but isn’t any more – so he should be free to grind his pelvis in public whenever he pleases.

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Date
20021010

Time
08:40
Alarm clock mistaken for bomb. Gosh, I can’t imagine why. Take a look at the picture featured in this article and judge for yourself.

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Date
20021010

Time
08:43
Uncle Herb comes to life as man in Spain invents baby translator.

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Date
20021010

Time
08:45
Daily Evergreen newspaper learns the hard way that not everything published on the Internet is true. By cutting and pasting a big chunk of their piece from a web site, they managed to get the following ‘fact’-oid into print:

“On Oct. 18, 1857, the first Filipinos landed on the shores of Morro Bay, California, on a Spanish galleon called the Nuestra Señora de Buena Esperanza, which translates to ‘The Big Ass Spanish Boat.’ “

Heh.

While we’re on the subject, you might want to check out bigassfans.com

No, it’s not a site about fat groupies.

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Date
20021010
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
08:52
The deletion amnesty has been extended for another 24 hours until the office of the e-envoy gets back to me.

It was also nice yesterday to hear from Andrew, who is experiencing similar problems with a fake email address for Prince William. Be warned, however, that Andrew is much more forthcoming about details/contents, and the young prince has a lot of sexually frustrated fans.

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Date
20021010

Time
08:55
If you were strapped to a table and being tubed-up for a state-approved lethal injection, what would your last words be?

Thomas J. Grasso (executed in 1995) breathed his last with:

“I did not get my Spaghetti-O’s, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.”

(You think this is an over-reaction? Come over my place sometime and see what happens when I serve up the wrong-shaped pasta to my kids…)

Ricky Ray Rector didn’t complain about his last meal, but did give credence to claims that he was mentally retarded when he told the guards taking him from his cell to the execution chamber that he was going to leave his dessert on the side of his bunk and said:

“I’m going to eat it after my execution.”

This week we have a new hall-of-famer, serial killer Aileen Wuornos, who killed six men while working as a prostitute. When the curtain rolled back to reveal the audience(!), the lovely Ms Wuornos made her final statement as follows:

“I’d just like to say I’m sailing with the Rock and I’ll be back like Independence Day with Jesus, June 6, like the movie, big mothership and all. I’ll be back!”

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Date
20021010

Time
10:37
One for the jobseekers.

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Date
20021010
Lycos ‘Viral’ Chart
Time
13:43
An amusing letter in today’s Ask Jack:

A friend has just pointed out that my emails carry a textual addition reading: “Check out all the latest outrageous email attachments on the Outrageous Email Chart! – http://viral.lycos.co.uk.” The website leads to some appalling pornography.

Some outdated rubbish, too. Topping the chart today is the bunny-breeding thing that reached most of us about 6 months ago.

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Date
20021010
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
21:14
I’m off to Oxford again tomorrow, so there will be little bloggage (if any). Also, I got word back from Number 10 late this afternoon, and the news is not good. A serious clue-by-four is necessary. We get serious on Monday.

If anybody would like to offer link support or – even better – share some good contacts with either of the main opposing parties, then please do get in touch over the weekend.

Cheers all.

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Date
20021011
Universal Church of the Interactive Network
Time
10:28
Hi guys. I have just enough time to let you know that after a quick poke through my stats, I can confirm that real people working for the government have been poking around Bloggerheads – probably wondering what my intentions are. Like everyone else, they’ll have to wait until Monday to find out.

The real reason I feel obliged to blog under a heavy workload today is to make the announcement that, according to Google, Douglas Adams is now the No. 1 saint on the web.

A proud moment for the Universal Church of the Interactive Network and all of its supporters.

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Date
20021011

Time
12:31
Go shopping with Satan!

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Date
20021014
Search Engine Optimisation
Time
10:49
There’s been lots of buzz in the last few days about Google’s new & improved algorithms, which seem to put the kibosh on Googlebombing. I’m still poking around results, but it seems to have very little effect on actual cultural support, just Googlebombing for the sheer hell of it. What really counts is that any site linked to in this way needs corresponding content to support the link (so the old ‘dumb motherfucker’ gag is unlikely to work again). Some form of foundation listing in the Open Directory Project also appears to be necessary. Things are bouncing about a bit, but I can see why they’re trying to clean house.

Oh, another thing they’ve cleaned up is the pleasant little anomaly that used to appear in Yahoo, the presentation of Open Directory Project categories in the web results when Yahoo failed to deliver. This is now, sadly, a thing of the past.

Is Google losing it? Well, let’s put it this way, they’ve had better weeks.

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Date
20021014

Time
10:54
Hurrah, Blogdex has emerged from intensive care and, despite needing round-the-clock care, looks to be in pretty good shape.

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Date
20021014

Time
10:59
Well, it certainly looks like the US has got another ally. Bad news all round, then.

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Date
20021014

Time
11:01
The Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle has cancelled an upcoming appearance by Leonard Nimoy because his new art-photography book contains images of actual human flesh.

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Date
20021014
People are Stupid
Time
11:11
Gosh, could this story really be true?

Erm, no.

A lesson to remember – when in doubt, see Snopes.

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Date
20021014
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
11:14
Now, let me see, there was something else I had to blog this morning…

Oh, yes, here it is:

Tony Blair’s Email – Phase 2

I’ll be kind of busy for the rest of the day, but I’ll bring you updates when I can.

In the meantime, I should let you know that deletion of the hostages begins afresh this morning.

Today: A little girl who has been ‘really sick for the past four years’ has taken the time to thank Tony Blair for helping the United States. But of course, he’ll never get to read this message because he wants her to get off her arse and go out to buy stamps.

*delete*

UPDATE – I addressed the Lib-Dem issue almost immediately, and expect to hear something back by Thursday at the latest. There were, however, a few false starts with the Conservatives along the lines of:

“Can I help you?”

“Yes, I’d like to talk to somebody about the absence of a publicly available email address for Tony Blair.”

“Tony Blair? But this is the Conservative Party!”

etc.

Heh.

Still, I got there in the end – and again, I’ll let you know as and when.

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Date
20021015
People Aren’t Stupid
Time
11:26
If you’re concerned about all the dead links in Blogdex today, don’t worry. Blogdex isn’t broken again – it’s just that Microsoft are busy covering their backs after being caught out in a big way over a bullshit ‘reality’ column on their site.

The feature, supposedly written by a freelance writer who ‘finally made the switch from Mac to PC’ (and ironically enough opening with the words ‘Yes, it’s true.’), made one enterprising Slashdotter suspicious enough to dig through an image archive. Lo and behold, there was the photo of the so-called independent contributor in the collection of stock images.

I could provide you with a link to the offending page, but it’s long gone. Google indexed it, but it’s since been removed from the cache. The stock image has also now been removed from Getty Images.

So, with all the evidence gone, we can be pretty sure that it never really happened – right?

Erm, no. You can see screengrabs of the offending article here and here. If these ever disappear, then please do drop me a line. I saved a copy of each to my hard drive.



UPDATE – Microsoft attempts to soften the blow by insisting the writer was an actual customer erm, who just happens to be an employee at a public relations company hired by them. Heh.

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Date
20021015
People are Stupid
Time
11:45
There’s probably only one or two large companies behind this Nigerian email scam, who solicit the aid of witless affiliates to do most of their dirty work. This was pretty much confirmed for me this morning when I received yet another copy of this email, this time from someone who has obviously read a set of instructions on how to best open their story. It arrived in my Inbox with the welcoming words:

HELLO! (COMPLIMENT)

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Date
20021015
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
11:49
It should be noted for the record, beause it’s a very seductive idea and seems to be working a treat. The site at iusedtobelieve.com asks you to add your thoughts to ‘a collection of ideas that adults thought were true when they were children’.

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Date
20021015
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
15:46
Today: a message containing a copy of the W32.klez.h@mm virus was deleted.

There, now Tony owes me one.

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Date
20021015
Emma Jones: Hardcore Journalist
Time
22:20
I’m sorry, I don’t know what Emma Jones (the so-called serious journalist) was doing interrogating showbiz folk backstage at the National Backslapping Awards, but it seemed to me that she was out of her gourd.

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Date
20020916
Blogwatch
Time
10:10
The Daypop drought continues. The reason for the disturbance? It ran out of disk space.

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Date
20020916
Can Weblogs…?
Time
10:13
As I suspected, no-one gives a toss about about our little train problem – so I’m having a quiet little think about what to do next. Bear with me – or get on the blower and make a suggestion.

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Date
20020916

Time
10:19
You’re sitting in a riverside restaurant. A boat arrives carrying a naked man, who begins to yell before pausing for a quick dump on nearby rocks. When the Harbourmaster objects, he reacts by wrapping himself in cling film and babbling about a ‘survival suit’.

And people are surprised?

It should be obvious the man pulled up at a restaurant because he ran out of aluminium foil. If any of the dimwit waiters had realised this and thrown him one of those swan-shaped leftover trays upon arrival, he would have left without a fuss and shat on somebody else’s rocks.

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Date
20020916

Time
10:26
Just what the world needs: a BDSM bed and breakfast. Be warned that the site has two main barriers at the front where they wish to make absolutely sure that you are an adult and not easily offended before allowing you to proceed – but once you’re inside it’s all sweetness and light.

From the FAQ:

If we don’t understand how to use some of the equipment, will you help us?

Yes. We don’t want you to get hurt. Just understand that we will help you and then leave. We are not going to interrupt your time with that special someone.

Can I have an extra egg with breakfast?

Yes, but you’ll have to pay a surcharge.

(OK, so I made that last one up…)

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Date
20020916
It Had To Happen
Time
10:35
Homeless guy runs blog. Becomes famous. Acts surprised.

To answer those two question you have:

1. He posts from the local public library.

2. No, he hasn’t asked anyone for money – but he’s not stupid, either:

“If you check through my blog you will notice that I have not made any pitch for donations. And as a homeless person, I have never asked for money from other people. Yet I have never refused money that people have offered. At the time of this post I have only recieved two ten dollar donations. I currently have no clean clothes and will use part of this money to do laundry. I also have a bad case of athletes foot, so the rest will go for medication. If you’ve every bought the stuff, you’ll know that foot creams are expensive.”

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Date
20020916

Time
11:00
Seen in The Guardian this morning and immediately submitted to Viz’s fabulous ‘Up The Arse Corner’ — –>

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020916

Time
11:05
B3ta is down this morning. Damn. And here’s me with a kitten picture just waiting for an audience.

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Date
20020916
Universal Church of the Interactive Network
Time
11:10
Emoticon actually predates ‘original’ found and hijacked by Microsoft.

*Phew* – well, no need for the fully armed crusade, then.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020916

Time
13:10
B3ta is back up. Just in time for lunch. Yay!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020916

Time
15:27
Those of you who listened to my drunken ramblings on Saturday (you know who you are) will know why I was on the lookout for a custom stamp today. I just found this nice chappie offering one-off free samples, P&P only.

I’ll give a customer review when my stamp arrives – erm, and also maybe let the rest of you know what I’m up to.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020917

Time
10:07
Ho-hum. A work-heavy day today will result in low bloggage. I also have to plow through the suggestions you sent in for Can Weblogs….?. Squidboy’s multi-suggestion email alone will take me about 20 minutes to read in full – but I did spot one in there straight away that shows great potential:

‘Can Weblogs Change Government Policy?’

That noise you hear is gears grinding away in my brain.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020917
Christianity Watch
Time
10:27
Keep your hands above the covers.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020917

Time
10:29
Woo-hoo! Top 10, and in the running for a free flight from Cheapflights!

Write a caption for this little image what I done made and you’re in the running, too.

The prize list includes pairs of tickets to New York, Paris, Barcelona, Dubai, Johannesburg, Havana, Rome and Guadeloupe.

Guadelope?

Ah, yes. Here it is. Population 431,170, main export bananas. Sounds nice.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020917

Time
14:44
Buy a CD for a buck. A buck.

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Date
20020918

Time
10:27
Good morning, everyone.

I have to head into an important meeting right now, but I will be back for bloggage later.

In the meantime, I have good news.

The latest ‘Can Weblogs…?’ project is ready to roll – and it’s a cracker:

Can Weblogs Make a Politician Keep a Promise?

Thanks again to Squidboy for the prompt.

Oh, and just quickly – I still need you to submit captions for this, my entry over at Cheapflights. If I win, it’s going to be a toss-up between New York and Guadeloupe. If, by the way, anyone has actually been to Guadeloupe, please let me know what it’s like and how tasty the bananas are.

Cheers.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020918

Time
13:11
It begins…

Bloggage rolling in already from:

http://www.funjunkie.co.uk

http://www.mba-experience.com

http://www.bbspot.com

…and so far no reports of major spelling mistakes (I wrote it in the train on the way to work on an ancient Mac with no spill chucker). Oh, and Martin wishes to claim any credit for coverage I get at the Newcastle Evening Chronicle. It’s a start, I suppose.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020918

Time
13:35
Forget the kittens, here comes crashbonsai.com

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020918

Time
13:36
Tera Patrick is in town and the Mayor doesn’t want to talk about it?

C’mon…

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Date
20020918

Time
13:38
What a waste of a prime domain name. Trawl through the highly unlikely and mostly unfunny stunts at prank.org if you must, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020918

Time
13:43
Virgin Atlantic Airways has to replace the baby-changing tables in their planes because budding mile-high club members keep breaking them. It’s a baby-changing table, people, not a baby-making table. Tch!

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Date
20020918

Time
13:48
See Willard Scott as Ronald McDonald in the first three commercials of this kind. I got over wondering what the weather was like in McDonaldland after I saw how shamelessly these ads shove burgers down kid’s throats. Now I’m wondering how many ‘lovely old dears’ over there actually make it to 109, what with all the bowel cancer, heart disease and all.

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Date
20020918
One Of Our Planes Is Missing
Time
13:57
Well, actually, it’s only 3 minutes on the cockpit voice recorder for Flight 93 that’s missing, but it’s enough to raise the same old whispers, such as maybe the gap is there because it formerly contained the words:

“Targeting us? What do you mean, you’re targeting us?”

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Date
20020918
Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat
Time
15:15
Dmoz duty has its moments sometimes. The Guildford Area Gay Society features its glorious acronym in the URL: www.gags.org.uk

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Date
20020918

Time
15:52
The U.S. Department of Education is overhauling its site ‘to make it easier to use and to remove outdated data’, but also destined for the memory hole just every scrap of information that doesn’t gel with the Bush administration’s political philosophy.

You all know I’ve been trying to avoid references to Nineteen Eighty-Four, but FFS, George Jnr. is not making it easy. *sigh* Oh well, at least he has accessible email address.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020919

Time
10:00
Avast, ye swabs, today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Discover ye pirate name and expand ye vocabulary, says I.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020919

Time
10:03
New Scientist is running a competition with a top-notch first prize – immortality (erm, or a trip to Hawaii).

Basically, if you win (and choose immortality) teams will be on standby to cryogenically freeze you to arrest decay. In the future, as we all know, everyone runs around in silver jumpsuits and little things like death are easy to cure.

Pretty cool, but two problems that I see are:

1. The prize should include a wad of cash held in a trust fund, otherwise you’ll wake up with no money and won’t be able to afford a flying car.

2. What happens if you die by falling under a bus – or into a liquidiser?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020919
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
10:47
Teen anarchist sues school principal and pictureyourself.org, bringing us ever closer to the rectal vanishing point.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020919

Time
11:53
Remember folks, I still need your caption entries for this picture and I still need to hear from anybody who’s actually been to Guadeloupe.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020919

Time
14:05
Tumbling Woman is a sculpture depicting a naked woman, limbs flailing and face freaked out, at the exact moment her head smacks into the pavement following a leap from the flaming WTC. Funnily enough, it’s drawing more than a few complaints.

(New link includes picture.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020919

Time
14:20
Enjoy the Elmer Fudd version of Google.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020919

Time
14:21
What a cool pencil sharper. I want one.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020919

Time
16:08
We close today as we began, with pirates. More specifically, with the Bearded Lesbianic Amazon Pirates (of the South Seas).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020920

Time
09:56
Great, so now bloggerheads is evil?

When did that happen?

(Link via ultimateinsult.net)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020920

Time
10:04
The teens over at fatnats.com don’t mind being fat. In fact, they aspire to it and even have hints and tips on ‘gaining’. The logo makes sense, then.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020920

Time
10:07
The statue of the woman falling from the WTC has been covered up. Insert Flight 93 joke here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020920
I Want One
Time
10:09
Visit spudtech.com, ‘home of the world’s most advanced hand held laser-guided bolt-action aluminum SP9004 potato rifle’ – now with rifled barrels for improved accuracy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020920
Weblog Marketing
Time
10:40
It’s been on the loose for about a month now, but it wasn’t until it featured at evhead.com that WTF is Weblog Marketing? finally spread to a number of personal and business blogs. Thanks to everyone for their kind bloggage. Here’s hoping that it does some good.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020920

Time
13:01
Live life on the edge – play P45 roulette. Gather the workmates around, take turns clicking and see who’s first to get fired. (NSFW, obviously…)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020920

Time
13:37
Heh. There’s a new version of the Nigerian Email Scam targeted directly at bloggers. Keep an eye out for it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020920

Time
13:47
Alisa really likes dressing up, but she watches far too much anime for my liking. Supergirl is cool, though. I likes a bit of proto-matter, I does.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020920

Time
14:08
Last chance to get your captions in, folks.

I wanna go to Guadeloupe!

I wanna go to Guadeloupe!

I wanna go to Guadeloupe!

I wanna go to Guadeloupe!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020920

Time
14:42
Ooooooooooooooh.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Waste a few moments with some pretty fireworks.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020920

Time
15:41
Oooh, lookie – it’s an ugly Princess Di doll. Oops, and here’s another one.

Argh! Here’s a really, really big one and there’s heaps of them in here.

What is wrong with these people?

What’s so wrong with me, that I stop looking?

Arrrrgh! Paper dress-em-up Dianas!!!

This madness stops now. I’m walking away from my computer and not coming back until Monday.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020923

Time
09:51
It’s always amused me that the tabloid boys show tits! tits! tits! from cover to cover (even in the comics), but use asterisks for even the most inoffensive words such as w****er. The Guardian has no such problem, and has even taken the time today to attempt to explain its complex, yet flexible policy on the subject.

“In the year up to {1998} there had been more than 400 pieces in the Guardian in which the word fuck or fucking appeared. In the same period there were 28 references to cunt: the word, in fact, occurs more frequently in the Guardian than in any other newspaper on earth.”

I can’t help but suspect that the ease which with these choice words can be spelled is sure to be pointed out in the next issue of Private Eye.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020923

Time
10:18
Filming up women’s skirts legal in Seattle. Now there’s an industry just waiting to happen.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020923

Time
10:34
Are you a Star Wars fan or and Elvis fan?

No, it’s not another lame quiz – just if you’re either or both you might enjoy this.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020923

Time
10:50
It’s the anarchist scavenger hunt!

Break a McDonald’s window, get 300 points. Puncture a Washington D.C. police car tire to win 75 points. Score 400 points for a pie in the face of a corporate executive or World Bank delegate.

Of course, if you’re a real anarchist, tallying up points (or taking part in any organised competition for that matter) goes against your nature.

Once, and I swear this is true, a Sydney outfit held a public meeting for wannabe anarchists with a ‘bring your own plate’ policy. Everybody who turned up with a meal/snack was turned away. They might have made their point, but according to the journalists outside, they missed out on some mighty fine hummus and at least three plates of fairy bread.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020923

Time
13:55
Don’t ask ‘why?’ – it just complicates matters.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020924

Time
09:52
Bummer. There don’t seem to be any results in Scoot for ‘hitman’ or ‘contract killer‘.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020924
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:54
Lego figures rolling and smoking dope. Patience is required, as the server for this site is taking quite a hammering.

Also doing well is this fetish map.

It has to be noted that both of these featured on B3ta days ago. Could B3ta be a key to Blogdex success?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020924

Time
09:56
Fat teens sue McDonalds. Kids ‘just can’t resist those happy meals’, says one case adviser.

Hmm, maybe this is why:

A fast-food worker has been arrested on suspicion of selling marijuana through the drive-up window.

Oooooh, déjà vu.

Oh, and the Dutch have plans to do it properly.

Just remember, kids – drugs are bad, m’kay?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020924

Time
10:21
Hmm. What amuses me here is the wording, which suggests that this threesome (in every sense of the word), weren’t actually arrested for having sex on a train, but instead for refusing to stop.

In the good old days, there used to be a bucket of cold water in every carriage to stop this kind of thing happening. No, really.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020924
OK, So I’m a Star Wars Geek
Time
12:29
Waste a few minutes with this wonderful lightsaber emulator.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020924

Time
13:05
As usual, it does you little good to ask “Why?” – but if you’re getting tired of the whole “It’s a Trap!” thing, then you may want to check out these alternative phrases from the Lucas community.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020924
We have a winner!
Time
14:10
Yeeeeeeeeeeeee-hah!

Get in there!

I’m going to Guadeloupe!

I’m going to Guadeloupe!

I’m going to Guadeloupe!

Oops, I should have read the rules and regs a little closer. I can choose from New York, Barcelona, Dubai, Rome, Havana, Paris or Johannesburg. Guadeloupe is the main prize – but I’m still in the draw for that in about 6 weeks time.

I may be going to Guadeloupe!

I may be going to Guadeloupe!

I may be going to Guadeloupe!

Right now, I can ‘only’ choose from New York, Barcelona, Dubai, Rome, Havana, Paris or Johannesburg.

I say again: Yeeeeeeeeeeeee-hah!

This couldn’t have happened at a better time. Life has sucked on quite a few levels lately and I could really do with a break.

Ahhhh, happiness, you are finally (albeit temporarily) in my grasp once more.

I’ll write more later when I can resist the urge to dance around singing ‘We Are The Champions’. It makes typing difficult, y’see.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020925

Time
07:02
Oxford, today – and little bloggage.

Sorry about that.

Here’s Elvis on a Landspeeder.

It’s not much, but it should be enough to keep you going.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020925

Time
15:33
Sorry, I’m still busy. Why don’t you play with some fridge magnets while you’re waiting?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020925

Time
17:01
When Bloggers Commit Journalism.

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Date
20020925

Time
21:55
Hmmm. I just got home to check my email (long day, long way) and I’m disturbed to note that no-one’s written in yelling and screaming that they’d won the Cheapflights caption thingy. I’m kind of bummed out about that given the effort you guys put in to add to the pixie dust, but I am happy to say that I’m pretty much settled on a trip to NYC, even though Andy and Mich make a good case for heading to South Africa for the eclipse on December 4th.

Hmmm.

Tempting.

Oh, bugger.

Why must you people complicate things?

I mean, really.

*sigh*

OK, if you live in – or know of anything interesting going on in – New York, Barcelona, Dubai, Rome, Havana, Paris or Johannesburg in the next 6 months (it may just be me and the missus, but we might also be able to stretch enough to take the sprogs along) then for Dog’s sake pipe up now, while I’m still in a state of mental confusion.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020926

Time
09:45
The results are in for the Guardian’s Best British Blog competition. The criteria suggests that Bloggerheads missed out on a gong due to a central lack of porpoise.

Story of my life, really – as is forever remaining in the lower division of the top 10%.

It’s kind of like living next to a biscuit factory. You can see it, you can smell it. Often, you can almost taste it. But actually biting into it is a pretty rare treat.

Dunking, of course, is completely out of the question.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020926
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:57
One victim of the Nigerian email scam.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020926

Time
10:00
It was interesting yesterday to watch every single tabloid ‘showbiz’ column run a completely different story about Britney Spears – each of which was based on old news at best (when, of course, they weren’t arguing for or against war on Iraq like two drunks in a pub).

Obviously, the copy was there to justify running this same image of Britney Spears smuggling peanuts, but only the grubby Daily Sport had the honesty to go front page with the ‘Phwoarrr!’ angle. I was, however, disappointed that aforementioned rag stopped short of running a decent red-blooded headline such as ‘NIPS LIKE BULLETS’.

For shame.

Actually, now we’re on the subject, something’s been nagging at me lately.

The increasing attempts by tabloids to dig up more and more celeb gossip have resulted in a disturbing culture of ‘information sharing’ led by this sad collection of nobodies (who actually have the temerity to shame anyone merely for the ‘disgrace’ of being classified in the B to Z class).

For the main gossip-mongers, one page has spread to two – and in many cases a tabloid will have up to three separate sections of celebrity scandal. Daily.

Talk about pressure.

Apart from scouring the Popbitch board for wicked whispers, there’s only so much a team can do in a day, which is why they resort to pleas like:

“Have you seen a celebrity? Give us a call and help us add to the inches!”

I can’t help but wonder how many potential stalkers get their first taste of fame – and blood – in this manner.

I’m not going to mount my high horse and ride off into the sunset about it, but I would like to note for the record that it’s not a healthy thing to propagate.

UPDATE – You may as well read tomorrow’s big story today.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020926

Time
10:13
Menspantys.com – ‘because men deserve nice undies, too’. Oh dear.

Fans of Seinfeld will want to head straight for the bra section. It’s very uplifting.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020926

Time
11:43
Elvis Presley in Underwear. You know you want it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020926

Time
12:43


More ‘Elvis in Movies’ for you. The one on the right should be obvious, as should the one below, which is a bit big for blog display:

“Jabba! This is your last chance. Free us, or die (uh-huh).”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020927
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
10:06
The results of the Guardian’s Best British Blog Competition, obviously. Also, file sharing up-and-comers Kazza going nerny-nerny-ner-ner.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020927

Time
10:09
As noted at The Ultimate Insult, it’s sooo last Tuesday – but we simply cannot allow elitism to keep you from hearing and/or seeing George Dubya Bush fumbling through the ‘fool me once’ truism.

Remember, you too can be this eloquent.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020927

Time
10:17
Girl who objects to dissection kicked out of class, then allowed to return to perfom procedure on computer simulation. She’ll probably want to steer clear of Romania. They do things for real there.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020927

Time
10:21
Couldn’t agree more.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020927

Time
10:22
A very long Fark thread debating which movie was the worst of the 80’s.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020927

Time
10:26
Have you noticed that every time there’s a Tube strike we also have to put up with an extremely snotty attitude from drivers and guards on all the other transport networks? That goes for bus drivers, too.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020927

Time
12:15
More Elvis movie joy for you. I think I’ve gone off Star Wars for a bit, but you never know.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020930

Time
09:48
Bugger. With everything else going on this week, I completely forgot about the British Mascot Grand National.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020930

Time
09:55
Mother shoots son with pellet gun when he refuses to come down from tree. It works for cats, too.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020930
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
09:57
Which smiley (emoticon) are you?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020930

Time
10:16
Lego has released an official (and I must say very impressive) model of the Imperial Star Destroyer.

Traffic at Lugjam has soared as a result. Why? Because my little site outperforms theirs for the core search query in Google. But can I get them to return my calls?

Can I, bunnies!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020930
Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat
Time
10:28
I w-w-w-want to s-s-s-suck your c-c-c-

(Link via ultimateinsult.net)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020930

Time
11:05
Go on, be honest – did ever really think he had it in him?

(Or that Edwina had in her, for that matter?)

[UPDATE – Woo! Yay! My little animation (left) just graduated to the front page over at B3ta.]

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020930

Time
11:31
Pay a visit to Jon “Bermuda” Schwartz (he’s been the drummer for “Weird Al” Yankovic since 1980, dontchaknow).

If this excites you, then pop over to drumheads.org where they’ve got Pt. 2 of a great interview with the man on the front page. (Pt. 1 is stashed here.)

If you couldn’t care less, then Rock & Roll lies is sure to amuse you regardless.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020930

Time
14:18
Tony Blair’s two-week deadline is about to pass.

If I don’t hear from his office by Wednesday, I’ll start deleting emails.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020930
Universal Church of the Interactive Network
Time
14:41
Some increasingly generic results are coming through lately. That’s us at No. 3 for ‘religion prayer’.

Of course, the Holy Grail is the top search result in Google for plain old ‘religion’. We’re getting there. You may remember at the beginning of August we were the 251st (up from 300th or so the month before that). We are now 144th and climbing.

Get out there and testify, people!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020930

Time
15:52
Cool, two front-pagers at B3ta in one day. Of course, I’d probably be happier if I actually had a life or something.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020902
Flash Stupidity
Time
10:01
Punk kittens. Proving yet again that web users admire higher concepts and professional execution of same.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020902

Time
10:04
Stupid pen tricks.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020902
It Had To Happen
Time
10:05
WTC memorial ideas submitted by the public. All pretty banal. Personally, I prefer my own idea of two giant lava lamps.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020902

Time
10:09
The adventures of Maritess, ‘the Filipina maid who cleans up Justice League Headquarters’ – including, we can assume, the numerous animal messes and liquid spills generated by those loveable Wonder Twins.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020902
Photoshopping
Time
10:15
I tip my hat to the creator of this beautiful hoax. The offending item also features in this excellent entry from a recent Fark thread.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020902

Time
10:17
Man sends bomb disguised as gift to ex-girlfriend. She twigged when she recognised his handwriting. And then a few protuding wires. Not a moment I’d forget in a hurry.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020902

Time
10:26
What are the hot topics in the weblogging community today?

More to the point – why are they all ‘Untitled’ today?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020902
Department of ‘I Told You So’
Time
10:28
It’s Just Porn, Mum is getting a lot of radio play, despite recent assertions that this would never, ever happen. Roll on Jpeg Baby…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020902
LOTR
Time
10:33
Pirate version of ‘Two Towers’ leaked onto Internet 4 months ahead of release. Allegedly. Do yourself a favour and wait for cinema release.

1. This claim is bogus. Searching for the file is a waste of time.

2. It’s a big screen movie. Watching any kind of pirate copy ahead of seeing it a cinema would most likely ruin the experience for you.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020903

Time
09:33
Is it just me, or are Daypop and Blogdex both showing increased signs of strain?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020903
Flash Thingies
Time
09:35
You may want to drop by zombo.com and ready your mind first, but once it is open, treat it to this little trip. Be sure to explore, but do so in small quantities, or you could end up like this.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020903

Time
09:42
Little Brendan Thompson (5) has an ‘aggressive cancer that is no longer responding to treatment’. He’s not expected to make it to his favourite holiday, Halloween – so his friends, family and neighbours all joined in for an early celebration. Brendan went dressed as the Grim Reaper.

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Date
20020903

Time
09:49
Enjoy a new dance every day with -thedanceman-

Ah, such youthful exuberance. It warms the heart.

There used to be a guy who did this with his mates every Friday, but I’m damned if I can find the site or a shortcut to it in my eeeeeeeeeeeeeenormous Favourites collection.

Still, I did find this: Concordances of Great Books (see, it’s got the word ‘dance’ in it, that Page Title does). The site is by no means a pretty affair, but it’s very powerful – and great for looking up rude words in works by the masters.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020903

Time
10:15
A 37-year-old Belgian is appearing in court after hiring out his 11 year old daughter as a prostitute. ‘Clients’ of the young girl included the family doctor, the village lumberjack, the car repair man and the owner of the village antique-shop.

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Date
20020903

Time
10:31
Thanks go to Joe for bringing this one to my attention. A neat little whisper/word virus with a clear message hidden in a seemingly harmless warning sticker. The timing for this link is also pretty good when you consider how successfully the oil-producers maintained a chokehold on the recent Earth Summit.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020903
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
10:56
And yet another botched commercial attempt, this one for L.A. Fitness, a quiz to help you determine how much sex you would need to burn up the calories in a hot dog or kebab.

1. It’s in Flash

2. Email recommendation only, no ‘link to quiz with results’ function

3. Not that this would help any, as the quiz is hosted at a new URL, not the main site

*sigh*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020903

Time
11:22
Visit itconsulting.co.uk for all your web design needs. You can see some of their excellent work at www.horse-web.com, which appears to be their only paying client at present. Oh, wait. Looking closer at the front page I see that they work for free on ‘Horse/Equine related activities’.

OK, who wants a horsie site?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020904
Department of ‘I Told You So’
Time
09:37
Announced today: “Blogdex is currently undergoing some much needed repairs.”

Heh.

Oh, and charting well today: gay robots.

I always had my suspicions about Rosie from The Jetsons…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020904

Time
09:41
8-year-old foster child steals pickup truck to visit family. When pulled over, he was topping 80mph.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020904
Random Ideas
Time
09:55
I don’t know about you, but I’m sick to death of being confronted by bucket-wielding guilt merchants. At their best, they simply stand in high traffic areas and get in the way. Some might even be naughty enough to shake their change-tins at you. At their worst, they get on the train and loudly announce what a good cause they work for before going through the carriage to collect money.

I’m tempted to set up my own charity, the Foundation for Compassion Fatigue (FCF).

We can make downloadable handouts for people to give to those soliciting donations saying things like “It’s the confrontation that I object to” and “I gave at the office (PS, of course I’m lying)”.

Perhaps, without a hint of irony, we can also take donations – then pass this money out to strangers in high traffic areas or stand by public phone or pay toilets and sort people out for much-needed small change.

A good idea? A bad idea? What do you think?

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Date
20020904

Time
09:56
Few people realise how fun it is to read emails in reaction to stories posted at Romenesko’s Obscure Store. Today, there’s a woman with an illuminating tale about team mascots (don’t forget the big race on the 29th of September and a reply from the woman who was slapped in the face with a raw steak after complaining at a restaurant. Good stuff.

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Date
20020904
It Had To Happen
Time
10:03
Get ’em while they’re nice and panicked:

11-year-old girl fitted with a tracking microchip. Fitting the microchip requires surgery on the wrist. Her parents can then track her movements via a website that gives access to GPS satellites. Just in case she’s abducted, you understand…

Scary.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020904

Time
10:09
Anna was kind enough to let me know about this article:

Children at mercy of e-mail porn.

I’m assuming she sent it in connection to this passage in Can Weblogs Reach Ronald Scelson?, warning participants that they should not send porn when mailing this notorious spammer:

“Ronald lives with his wife and three young children. While my own young children may in the past have been confronted with the words ‘Rape Sex’ or ‘Penis Enlargement’ while looking over my shoulder as email arrived, there is no proof that such emails arrived from Mr Scelson, and certainly no justification for repeating this offence. Two wrongs do not make a right.”

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Date
20020904

Time
10:48
China blocks Google

Greece bans Gameboys

I need a third headline here. For balance. Any ideas?

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Date
20020904
Emma Jones: Hardcore Journalist
Time
11:18
A little birdy tells me that Emma Jones is unlikely to return to features work at The Sun following her maternity leave. Not that she knows about this or anything…

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Date
20020904

Time
11:30
Remember those old hand-cranked mimeograph machines they used to have in the offices at school?

You know – the foul beast that would crank out exam paper after exam paper, providing only the small consolation of a temporary high in return.

Ah, the heady days of ink-sniffing. How I miss them…

Question: Train A, traveling 70 miles per hour (mph), leaves Westford heading toward Eastford, 260 miles away. At the same time Train B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Eastford heading toward Westford. When do the two trains meet? How far from each city do they meet?

Answer: Purple

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Date
20020904

Time
12:33
Periodic Table of Condiments.

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Date
20020904
OK, So I’m a Star Wars Geek
Time
12:38
A street-legal landspeeder on sale at ebay. How could you not score in a car like that?

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Date
20020904

Time
12:46
Word is spreading fast about the Harry Potter vibrating broomstick. Watch and wait. The reviews there are entertaining enough, but many more are sure to follow.

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Date
20020904

Time
13:24
Tony has a CD list. It took him a while to make, so he was a bit pissed off when someone else (also named Tony – Tony Weldon to be precise) stole the list – code and all – for a quick trim and inclusion on his website.

The good news was that Tony (the original Tony, that is) had the background called up from the full URL of the file at his server (http://www.i-r-genius.com/tony/bback.jpg). Because the code was ripped off wholesale (as well as the text) the original Tony was able to deliver this subtle message at the location of the stolen page.

Justice!

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Date
20020904
Oldies But Goodies
Time
13:35
This ‘genuine’ letter is doing the rounds again. Thankfully, this version of the same joke is not.

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Date
20020904

Time
14:14
Only Funny if you know/remember who James/Lauren Harries is. And no, I’m not going to tell you. Trust me, you’re better off not knowing.

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Date
20020904

Time
15:33
The WTC memorial ideas submitted by the public we blogged on Monday were pretty dull.

Were.

Lately, there have been some very interesting entries.

Sure to be taken down soon, but I’m amazed it got through in the first place.

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Date
20020904

Time
15:48
Ooh, lookie – an even better professional web designer. He has the local Christian market wrapped up by the looks of things.

Hmmm, somebody should start a collection of these. Beyond webpagesthatsuck.com, more like a ‘serious’ directory of (ahem) excellent web designers.

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Date
20020905
Look It Up
Time
09:52
In his new book, Martin Amis reveals that Lenin had trouble pronouncing his r’s.

At this stage, it’s important to wemember that he was a wussian wevolutionary.

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Date
20020905

Time
09:54
Couple who haved lived in an oak tree for 12 years are served with an eviction notice.

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Date
20020905
Oldies But Goodies
Time
09:56
Want to send somebody a subtle hint about their appearance, behavious or aroma? There is now a greatly expanded choice of messages available at justatip.com

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Date
20020905

Time
09:59
Descendants of slaves in the US for are suing Lloyd’s of London, amongst others, demanding compensation for unpaid work carried out by their ancestors. Shades of Holocaust reparation, but how far back can you go before things get silly?

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Date
20020905
Flash Games
Time
10:04
New York Defender shows a unique measure of sensitivity, right down to the timing of its release.

While you’re in the mood, you might also want to visit groundzerothemepark.com to find out about ‘the most patriotic theme park in America’.

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Date
20020905

Time
10:13
Topping Blogdex today:

Are Weblogs Changing Our Culture?

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Date
20020905
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
10:15
Which revolution are you?

I’m of the hippy variety. Aware, unconventional and constantly twirling, twirling, twirling.

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Date
20020905
Flash Movies
Time
10:28
Thanks to Andy and Mich for pointing out this excellent collection of high quality Flash animations. Take my advice and save this link for lunchtime. If you visit now, you won’t get any work done this morning.

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Date
20020905

Time
10:46
Our eldest son Ben was a little bit naughty and had a go with Mummy’s weights last night. He said he was ‘trying to become strong’. He told me this through tears, because he had dropped one of the weights on his toe.

We were downstairs when it happened, and reacted as you might expect when we heard an almighty thump followed by a very loud scream.

Anyways, the toe is OK – and will stay attached, despite Ben’s worst fears – but as a result of the mishap, he was downstairs with us at around 8:00pm with an ice-pack on his foot.

Our viewing plans had to be changed, as if he started watching Lost In Space with us, there’d be no way he would get back to bed until it was over – so we opted instead for the relative safety of Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine’s little show on fashion disasters: ‘What Not To Wear’.

Some concerns have been raised over the language and references in the show, but me, I missed them. I think I was too busy trying not to gnaw my leg off.

Ben failed to notice the nasty bits, too. He was too busy laughing at the clothes.

When images of Sophie Wessex first appeared, he burst out saying:

“She’s trying to dress like the Queen’s Mum!”

And he was spot on. At least, according to Sue and Trinny – who closed the show by placing Sophie at No.2 on their worst-dressed list for dressing ‘too old’.

10 points for Benjamin the fashion critic.

Should I buy him a little suit and bow-tie now, do you think, or wait until his next birthday?

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Date
20020906

Time
09:53
More on Wednesday’s stort about the 11-year-old girl due to be fitted with a tracking microchip. A London electronics engineer is doing the rounds of just about every relevant authority in an effort to stop the op, claiming that ‘such an operation without medical basis on a child could constitute an assault’.

Good for him – and thanks to Pete for the heads-up.

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Date
20020906

Time
10:00
Daypop is still a mess, but Blogdex is back up and running well. Still, best three links so far this morning come direct from other bloggers.

From Firda we learn of this collection of cosmic myths.

From ultimateinsult.net comes a link to a collection of old television ads for computer games and some common street scams in Barcelona.

Oh, and you know those guys who normally sell speakers out of the back of white vans? I’ve heard from Londoners that they’re hawking fake Rolex watches these days. Be on your guard, and keep your bullshit detector on full. I’m talking to you, Tristán.

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Date
20020906

Time
10:10
An article in defence of the student who dared to ‘live the dream’ and shower with a porn star.

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Date
20020906

Time
10:12
True, some domain names have taken on a life of their own, but can you really sue one?

Erm, yes you can.

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Date
20020906

Time
10:17
A calendar of nude running events.

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Date
20020906

Time
10:18
Journalist asks: Why does everyone hate us all of a sudden?

Warning: the answer to this question is not as obvious as it may seem. Read the article.

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Date
20020906
It Had To Happen
Time
10:22
Playboy TV debuts broadcast version of nude news.

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Date
20020906

Time
13:02
Have you got what it takes to be a policeman/woman/person/thingie?

Very pretty, if a little heavy on the bandwidth.

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Date
20020906

Time
13:09
Are all rich people this stupid?

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Date
20020906

Time
13:54
Two teenagers find human brain in street.

Good, now they have one to share between them.

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Date
20020907

Time
16:42
The latest edition of Celebrity Bestiality has just gone live.

This month: Nigella Lawson and a lobster named Trevor. Enjoy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020909

Time
09:55
Saddam Hussein engages his trousers in chemical warfare.

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Date
20020909

Time
09:57
Blondes have rights, too.

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Date
20020909
NSFW
Time
09:57
Compare and contrast corner: A groupie guide to penis sizes of the stars.

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Date
20020909
Blogwatch
Time
10:00
Daypop 40 is still f**ked (doo dah, doo dah).

Topping Blogdex: Television celebrates its 75th birthday. The Internet, of course, has yet to be successfully toilet-trained.

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Date
20020909

Time
10:05
You’ve seen those rotten ‘Earn money from home!’ posters around, I’m sure. If you hate them as much as I do, perhaps you would care to join this group and help fight street spam.

Of course, the measures they suggest won’t help a lot – and you have to remember that, in this case, most of the spammers are victims, too. Tossers, but still victims. Most of this street spams results from attempts to make money through Herbalife. It’s one step down from Amway, in case you weren’t aware – and joining the programme costs money.

Me, I’m inclined instead to take the fight to the source. Step one would be to show as many people as possible how pointless the exercise is and how Herbalife makes the bulk of their dough from losers who think they can actually make money this way.

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Date
20020909

Time
10:19
Salon is collecting a series of ‘inappropriate’ comments made on September 11th.

Most of what I had to say was in uk.local.london and, happily, you can browse through these comments here.

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Date
20020910

Time
09:52
I have a lot to say about a certain anniversary, connected or otherwise, but there’s a lot of background noise to deal with (important, or otherwise).

As a regular reader, you have a choice about what I present tomorrow – those choices being:

1: Happy and not at all connected. All day, please.

2: Detached and factual, yet providing some insight. But throw a few laughs in, please.

3: Somewhat personal, explaining a fuck of a lot about what Bloggerheads has been doing lately (and what’s coming up next). Erm, please.

Feedback is the only thing that’s going to decide it. Feedback of the purest and most reliable form would be appreciated. Emails to the usual address.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020910
Blogwatch
Time
09:55
The mystery behind Daypop is solved. The guy who runs it (yes, it is run by one guy – pretty surprising, huh?) is in Rome, and….

Oh, what the hell, he says it best on his own weblog:

“I just logged on to the Internet for the first time in about a week. No idea what happened to Daypop but I will not be back until the 13th of September to fix it!”

So there you go. Oh, don’t forget to check out the comments while you’re there.

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Date
20020910

Time
10:03
I read this morning in Metro that ‘more than £250,000 of hardcore pornography seized in police raids across north London have been buried during modernisation work at King’s Cross Tube station’.

(Note – article is at bottom of page.)

Basically, a bunch of DVDs were crushed and used as fill at the site – but I have a question about the value of the DVDs. The quantity is given as ‘nearly 1,000’ – but they say the haul is worth £250,000?

Hang on, let me do the sums. Hmm, about 1,000 into 250,000 – taking x as the value of y, carry the five… divide by 0… that’s over £250 per DVD!!!

It would want to be some pretty spicy porn at that price, let me tell you.

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Date
20020910

Time
10:20
Badger’s attempt to impersonate Pepe Le Pew ends badly.

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Date
20020910

Time
12:53
Nothing says class like a celebrity lookalike.

Nothing says ‘I am a grown-up’ more than buying Silly Putty in industrial quantities.

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Date
20020910
Christianity Watch
Time
14:39
When Mormons Call is a book designed to help Catholics resist the hard sell of any visiting Mormons – and keep your family and friends from converting, too.

‘Mormons claim that 70% of their recruits are ex-Catholics. With Isaiah’s help you can help cut that cult statistic and save your customer base at the same time.’

Great stuff – even if the Amazon reviews are a little dull.

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Date
20020910

Time
16:13
Taking the fun out of porn sure looks like fun.

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Date
20020911

Time
09:51
The votes came in thick and fast yesterday, and almost all were for the following approach on this wonderful sunny day:

2: Detached and factual, yet providing some insight. But throw a few laughs in, please.

So, today, we’re going to do what we always do. Stay calm, take a look around, and try to find some nuggets of useful information and maybe a few smiles amongst the details. Erm… and try to take over the world, of course.

Special thanks to everyone who took the time to send a real email, especially Y. Bee, who said:

Please just remember that real people died in a horrible way. Just please don’t say they deserved it or they had it coming or gloat about it.

That being said you actually made one of the few 9/11 comments that made the locals here(Manhattan) laugh. 9/11 jokes don’t go over real well here, but the crack on Bloggerheads when you were talking about the book “Where was God on 9/11” and you said “Never mind God, where the hell was Superman” still gets laughs.

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Date
20020911

Time
10:03
Well, this was a good start to the day. Happy tokens all round for the folks at Total, who brightened my morning with the following tally (see right). Of course, this total wasn’t entirely the result of my purchasing decisions. You’ll note by the marked area on the receipt that the attendant has charged me twice for the same bottle of water – no doubt in order to bring this total into line with her satanic beliefs. Fiendishly clever, these Satan-worshipping gas station attendants.

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Date
20020911
Look It Up
Time
10:05
The dust clouds that engulfed NYC were chock-full of asbestos-y goodness – but you’ll notice we don’t read or hear much about that. Yet.

On the subject of white powder, George Bush’s niece Noelle Bush was recently found to be in possession of cocaine. The discovery was made by staff at the rehab centre she’s attending. You probably won’t read or hear much about that, either. George Junior tends to be quite picky about matters nasal.

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Date
20020911

Time
10:13
I’ve been asked – quite politely I might add – not to mention the date today. Hmm. Well, given that the date appears below every post, it’s going to be a bit hard to avoid. Sorry about that. Also, the following bears mentioning:

1. Just about every newspaper this morning carried the date as the headline. I kept looking in the top right-hand corner to see if I could find the lead feature or maybe even tomorrow’s lottery numbers in place of the date, but no dice. Bugger.

2. Time is nearly always represented as follows: hours/minutes/seconds. It makes sense, right? The date, in sensible countries, follows this same pattern, albeit backwards, and is shown in abbreviated form as day/month/year. Americans hold no truck with this, and insist that month/day/year is the preferred format. It’s bad enough that thousands of software packages (originating in the U.S.) present dates in this order and make it impossible to change the format, but what’s even worse is this most recent development. Using what is admittedly an unrivalled skill in marketing, the U.S. is using the tragedy of 11/9/02 (a date they consider to be 9/11/02) to further force this preferred format into the world arena by constantly referring to the incident/date as ‘911’. This also allows them to get further publicity for their version of the emergency number. Fiendishly clever, those Americans.

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Date
20020911

Time
10:15
Our friend and spammer Ronald Scelson was having fun this time last year. When entire websites were shutting down out of respect, Ronnie instead refused to bow down to the terrorists and continued doing what he does best. God bless him!

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Date
20020911

Time
10:22
Doing the swiftest of calculations, you can normally work out what is for you the minimum amount of change (or in some cases, notes) it’s worth bending over for. Me, I’m superstitious to a small degree – and penny-pinching to a large (with Coke, please). In short, due to a never-ending pursuit of luck, I bend over for every penny – and I found this one as a result yesterday afternoon.

I must admit that I made a couple of assumptions when I first studied it:

1: It’s the shape of an angel, so this is in no doubt the work of a Christian movement.

2. It’s a U.S. penny, so this is in no doubt the work of a particularly annoying Christian movement.

Ironically, it’s my less than charitable nature that leads me to further assume that these things are given out to the heathen needy in lieu of a genuine donation.

“Ah’m sorry, son, but ah don’t have any spare change. Instead, ah’m givin’ you something more valuable. This message of hope and lurrve.”

But what, you might ask, is this U.S. penny doing in the UK?

Again, we rely on the power of assumption; mine being that the distribution of such things is relatively safer in this country because white cider bottles over here are mostly made from plastic, and therefore not very efficient when it comes to facial slashing and/or the cracking of skulls.

Still, all of the above are merely assumptions. For the truth, we must look to Google. Updates to follow.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020911

Time
10:25
Rejoice one and all, for Dogbomb lives!

Tch. I need money, too – but you don’t hear me whinging about it. Much.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020911
Christianity Watch
Time
10:33
Is it appropriate for a Christian to own a cat?

It’s not just the pagan affiliations, there’s the small matter of disease as well. No, it’s true!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020911

Time
11:02
If you’re wondering how best to express your feelings of rage and/or grief today, the official government-approved method is outlined below for your reference:

– Gather together with comrades (drinks/snacks optional).

– Focus on televised image of Evil One* (screaming/crying compulsory).

– Clench fists tightly.

– Raise arms above head in shape of the Holy Cross.

– Thrust fists/arms forward rhythmically, chanting ‘BB, BB, BB…’ in unison to the point of orgasmic frenzy.

– Return to work refreshed and alert.

(*Please note that this week the part of Osama bin Laden will be played by Saddam Hussein, but the war is – and always has been – against Middle Eastasia.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020911

Time
11:08
Sceptic and filmmaker Bart Sibrel approached Buzz Aldrin outside a Beverly Hills hotel on Tuesday and asked him to swear on a bible that he had actually set foot on the moon. Aldrin (allegedly) lamped him one.

A spokesman for the police department said that they were ‘investigating the alleged assault but that no arrests had been made or charges brought’.

Probably because all of the witnesses have come forward to claim that the entire event was staged.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020911

Time
11:32
An article with the headline ‘Why do people hate the United States?’ just came and went with blinding speed over at Fark. Judging by the comments in the thread that prompted the removal, nobody’s in much of a mood for a flame war today.

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Date
20020911

Time
11:48
Three year old unwittingly makes serious point by mistaking McDonald’s arches for the number ‘3’.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020911
Latest Viral Agent
Time
12:17
Bitch about ex-boyfriends/girlfriends and help promote the new film Swimfan in the process. There’s a love-rat in the film, so the creative link is there. Tenuous as it may be, it is there.

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Date
20020911

Time
12:30
Rate your hangover here.

Find the cure here.

Stagger back to reality and marvel at how pointless your life has become here.

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Date
20020911
NSFW
Time
13:10
Here you go, this’ll cheer you up: bikinikaratebabes.com

They can pump your nads and kick your ass.

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Date
20020911

Time
14:31
WTC: The Frank Sinatra Connection

(Links to Quicktime .MOV file)

A bit choppy, but you’ll get the point, I’m sure.

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Date
20020911

Time
14:37
Finally today, we close as we began and answer a nagging question for you.

Back to work, folks. Nothing more to see here.

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Date
20020912

Time
09:51
Oh, won’t somebody pleeeeeeease thinkofthechildren.co.uk?

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Date
20020912

Time
09:53
The Bush administration has dropped attempts to justify attacking Iraq by linking it to al Qaeda and other terrorist organizations. Instead, they’re going to claim that Saddam once sold George Snr. a donkey that was lame in one leg.

This seems as good a time as any to remind you that the acronym for ‘The War Against Terror’ is T.W.A.T.

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Date
20020912
119
Time
10:03
Out of all the pieces I read yesterday, I found the forbidden thoughts collected by Salon.com to be the most enlightening. I was so impressed by the collection (and the myriad of little truths they revealed about human nature) that I printed a copy out and have since shown it to a number of people at work, on the train, and back at home. I suggest you read the collection as well.

If it angers you in any way, then the reason for the publication of this material is given over at Scott Rosenberg’s blog.

If it tickles you at all, then you might also wish to spare a moment for The Cheesification of 9-11-02.

If you feel a little guilty afterwards, there’s always time to bring yourself back to a suitable level of angst and woe with some last-minute photos.

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Date
20020912

Time
10:26
A group of students in North Carolina turned up early for school (so far, so good) and decided to make use of the cafeteria’s ‘seldom-used video projection system’ by showing a film they had brought to school (showing community spirit and highlighting wasted resources – this is looking better and better).

Their main problem was the choice of entertainment – hardcore, hose-the-floor porn.



Up to 20 students viewed the tape, except for one who ran off to tell a ‘school administrator’. In other words, a janitor.

The tape was shut off and the culprits are in deep, deep water.

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Date
20020912
NSFW
Time
12:16
Many, many wonderful images come and go on the B3ta message board each and every day, but this one I just have to share with you.

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Date
20020912

Time
12:54
World peace: lend a hand.

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Date
20020912

Time
13:10
A two-headed turtle.

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Date
20020912

Time
13:11
An incredibly comprehensive collection of movie studio logos and intros. The MGM lion, the bint with the torch – they’re all in there. I was poking around these sorts of places because I wanted to build this —- –>

Oh, and while I was looking for sharks I happened across Triangle Divers, ‘New Englands only gay and lesbian SCUBA club’.

OK, I know to keep an ear out for that cello and bass ‘da-dum, da-dum’ tune when sharks are around – but what music do you think would play if you were about to be attacked by a scuba-diving lesbian?

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Date
20020912

Time
14:02
“It’s not easy being a butcher with tunnel vision!”

Is it meat or is it an accident?

Even lovelier with your speakers turned on.

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Date
20020912

Time
15:34
Man turns up to September 11 memorial service in Saddam Hussein mask.

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Date
20020913
Ignorance Is Strength
Time
09:52
I’ve been trying to avoid making too many cack-handed Nineteen Eighty-Four references, but this suggestion of a DNA database, this wonderful propaganda piece on a Floating Fortress (scroll down), combined with news that our chocolate ration is set to be reduced make it almost impossible to avoid. Sorry about that.

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Date
20020913

Time
10:05
Nelson Mandela says the United States of America is a threat to world peace.

Even more alarming, the chairman of Publicis, the world’s fourth-largest advertising group, has warned that a war in Iraq would wipe out the chance of an advertising recovery next year. Tragic.

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Date
20020913
Can Weblogs…?
Time
11:07
I’m an Australian living in England, but most of my readers are American.

No, I can’t work it out either – but it gives me pause for thought when considering the next project for Can Weblogs…?

What I originally had in mind wasn’t too far removed from what we did with Ronald Scelson, in that we were faced with a problem, and simply reached out to the source (well, one of them at least).

What you need to know first (if you don’t already) is that the rail system here in the UK is privatised. Different companies run different routes, and yet another owns and runs the rails themselves. The reason this system doesn’t work is that, in the end, there are too many people to pass the buck to and in the end, no-one is held ultimately responsible – even when the system fails to the point that people start dying. We complain to the companies, they mark it down in their books and register your complaint as part of a percentage and life goes on much as it has done before.

Me, I suffer every day under a company called South West Trains (which is owned by another company – Stagecoach).

In the past, I’ve taken my complaints right up to the Managing Director of South West Trains, but this isn’t the kind of fight I can win.

It has to be noted here that the MD of SWT, one Andrew Haines, is a good man in an impossible position. He not only has to deal with people like me, but staff who are under a similar level of pressure mostly attributable to the system being bled dry by the profiteers.

Ah, I bet you were wondering when I would drift back to the point.



In a nationalised system, if the system doesn’t work as efficiently as it could, the Minister of Transport is answerable. If the whole system starts falling apart, the Prime Minister himself must face the consequences of the inevitable public outcry.

Soon I got to wondering who, in this system, was at the top of the tree.

Brian Souter came to mind as a likely candidate, as he owns Stagecoach – one very large company that owns several of the smaller companies that make our lives a misery every day. He also happens to be a lovely person with a positive outlook and tolerant views. Look him up if you’re in any doubt about this.

By now you know where I’m going with this, and yes, I am suggesting that passengers, instead of wasting ink on the usual complaint forms, instead let Brian Souter know the full human cost of his profits. Not that the 6:15 arrived at 6:20 or that the floors were covered in grime, but exactly how his company has had an impact on their lives. In a deeply personal letter. Delivered by Royal Mail right to his front fucking door.

For this to work, I’d need distributors of action sheets across every relevant network, not just on my route – so the project goes beyond the scope of the usual ‘Can Weblogs…?’ experiment.

Also, most of you live in a different country and probably couldn’t care less about the miserable state of our choo-choos.

So, I’m accepting feedback, and this time around I’m even taking suggestions.

Other projects I have on the back-burner (that may well come to the fore if you think they’re a good idea) include:

Can Weblogs Reduce Street Spam?

Can Weblogs Get A Top-Ten Single?

Can Weblogs Revive The Boy Scout Movement?

and, as everybody else seems to be doing it:

Can Weblogs Raise A Few Bucks That I Can Waste On My Overdue Mortgage Payments?

Your ideas are also appreciated, so send them in too if you like. Emails to the usual address. Cheers all.

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Date
20020913

Time
14:26
I can tell just by looking at you that you’re dying to know who won the 2001 Marshall Scarecrow Festival.

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Date
20020913

Time
14:27
The B3ta Challenge this week is toys that may not be entirely safe for children. This section at Yesterdayland proved to be quite inspirational, and I also found a cool board game called Kosherland on my travels.

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Date
20020913

Time
14:30
The Simpsons meet Pulp Fiction.

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Date
20020913
Universal Church of the Interactive Network
Time
16:25
The original emoticon has been recovered.

Normally this would be marvellous news for the Universal Church of the Interactive Network, but – horror of horrors – the holiest of holies is in the hands of the agents of Satan.

Now I know how Eli felt when the Philistines made off with the ark of the covenant.

Hmm. Is a crusade to retrieve the first emoticon from the servers of Microsoft a bit over the top?

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Date
20020913

Time
16:42
Stagecoach has a fan club? Oh, now that is amusing.

Thank you, Sophie, for the heads-up.

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Date
20020915

Time
09:07
Oooooooh, me ‘ead…..

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020816
Ronald Scelson
Time
10:14
Lots of new links to Can Weblogs Reach Ronald Scelson? this morning, and we just hit #18 on Blogdex.

Links of note include Sean Bonner, who has decribed it as ‘what might be the best fight against spam yet’, and the lovely Firda who has come up with a cracker; she’s responded to one of those Nigerian scam spams expressing interest – in the name of one Ronald Scelson.

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Date
20020816

Time
10:22
Man sick of junk mail dumps paint on receptionist at direct marketing company.

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Date
20020816

Time
10:25
Davezilla is under attack by Toho Ltd., who own the Godzilla trademark.

Many speculate this is a warm-up before Toho takes on the much bigger Mozilla. Then Mothra, presumably.

Look! Corporate lawyers! We must flee!

UPDATE – Just happened across this at Linkdump: Bushzilla!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020816

Time
11:25
The Sun has an interested rant this morning, regarding the flood of pornography from the web and the danger it represents.

‘The Sun Says’ (aka ‘What To Think’) actually foams at the mouth at one stage with the distinctly Morris-esque:

“Even the most harmless-looking website can be two clicks away from another site that peddles sex and bestiality with children.”

Bestiality with children? I’ve seen some weird stuff online, but obviously Sun editor David Yelland has access to much more interesting sites than I do. We’ll get back to bestiality in a moment (for you know it is a subject that is near and dear to my heart). In the meantime, let’s go to the introduction of the linked article, presented online in menacing blood-red text:

“A foul horde of perverts is threatening our children as never before – fuelled by a river of filth spilling from every home computer. Porn is a massive industry that pollutes the web. Thousands of sites are free to reinforce the warped desires of paedophiles and sexual weirdos. Yet the computer industry, the police, the politicians and the judges seem powerless to stem its flood.”

The important word to remember here is ‘flood’. I’m not denying for a moment that there isn’t one. The porn market is so saturated with small-timers vying for a piece of the pie that there are often more images provided as free samples than the average modem can deal with. In fact, I do my best to stem the tide with The Porn Report, which gets plenty of traffic thanks to this top search result in Google for the search term ‘bestiality’. I know, I know, it’s all a rich tapestry – and here we are back on the subject of kinky animal sex.

The site that gets these results is Celebrity Bestiality, which has enjoyed steady results over the last two years. So steady, in fact, that I was able to look at my stats about a year ago and ascertain that there is a general increase in the number of searches made for ‘bestiality’ in general. I mentioned to a colleague not long ago that this would result in a notable increase in ‘real life’ offences. Sure enough, it did. Highlights included the idiot who had sex with a goat in front of a trainload of passengers and the chap who got kicked in the goolies when he tried to molest a horse. The list goes on, you couldn’t make it up, won’t somebody pleeeease think of the children, etc.

I actually contacted the Home Office at one stage to see if I could figures on all offences of this type, not just those that made the papers. It was an entertaining phone conversation, but I didn’t get very far. Oh, right. The point. Sorry, here we go:

The point is that, when faced with a flood of pornography (or anything for that matter) the average person eventually gets bored and seeks variety. With some people, this curiosity spills over into their real lives – and The Sun itself contributes to this flood.

As soft as the porn on Page 3 may be, it is still porn – and there’s much juicier content held in the back pages, cleverly disguised as an advice column and series of morality plays.

It should also be mentioned at this stage that the owner, Rupert Murdoch, is right now trying to buy Hughes Electronics. The jewel in this crown is DirecTV.

“DirecTV is one of the leading players in the US adult film business, with industry estimates suggesting it rakes in as much as $US200 million a year from its pay-for-view porn sales.”

The Age, Friday 9 February 2001

And that’s not just tits, folks. We’re talking hardcore down-and-dirty, mop the floor porn here. Beamed straight into millions of homes and only a click or two away from the most harmless-looking television channels.

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Date
20020816
Books, Plugs, Etc.
Time
11:46
I love feedback like this. Toby from creatorcommunications.com just dropped me an email saying:

Hi Tim,

Just wanted to say that I was so intrigued by your publications I went out and bought “Marketing Your Website“.

Just wanted to say I think it’s a great and concise guide, and have made it compulsory reading for all our team.

Now, isn’t that nice? Makes we think twice about getting of my arse and writing that weblog marketing book (this has been on the back burner for about 6 months now). So, again with the feedback – what do you think I should tackle first? Blog book or novel? The former will be very useful, but the latter will be much more fun. Emails to the usual address.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020816

Time
12:37
The Ground Force garden make-over show has transformed a public space in New York ‘as a memorial to mark the tragedy of 11 September’. Dear God, I’m going to be ill….

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020816
Search Engine Optimisation
Time
16:14
The Universal Church of the Interactive Network is now top search result in Google for ‘join a religion’. For ‘religion’, we’re up two spots from #251 to #249. Slowly but surely…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020817
Ronald Scelson
Time
09:22
Can Weblogs Reach Ronald Scelson? has attracted the attention of the Cult of the Dead Cow. It also rated a mention in the latest B3ta newsletter

That rates a Woo! That calls for a Yay!

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Date
20020818

Time
12:08
There’s still time to get your feedback in, folks. Should I write another business book, or a novel? So far it’s running at about 50/50, so your vote counts. Emails to the usual address.

If it helps any, the proposed novel will be light on sex, but chock-full of graphic violence.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020819

Time
10:01
Prove that you’re smarter than Toho’s legal department by taking the Godzilla Quiz.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020819

Time
10:05
Topping Blogdex and Daypop today is a new spam-filtering technique.

Says Paul Graham:

“I think it’s possible to stop spam, and that content-based filters are the way to do it. The Achilles heel of the spammers is their message. They can circumvent any other barrier you set up. They have so far, at least. But they have to deliver their message, whatever it is. If we can write software that recognizes their messages, there is no way they can get around that.”

Yes, but I don’t think it’s going to stop them trying – or at the very least convincing a wide range of snake oil salesmen that the message will still reach that vital 0.01%

Relying on an end user solution still leaves the network overloaded with junk email that will never be read.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020819
Latest Viral Agent
Time
10:15
So much for Emoh Ruo. British Gas’s Homenamer says my ideal home should be named Mud Slide. Hmm. Better top up on the home insurance, just in case. Or maybe clean the toilet.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020819

Time
10:21
This is good. This is very, very good. A blog presented in the persona of Richard ‘Dick’ Vernon. Don’t recognise the name? Maybe this post will pump your nads:

“What was that ruckus?! I was just in my office, and I heard a ruckus! Didn’t I say to not cause a ruckus? You all just bought yourselves another Saturday.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020819

Time
10:28
Dave Letterman’s post-11th monologue touched a lot of people.

Now he’s wondering what the heck to say this year.

A new segment called ‘stupid plane tricks’, perhaps?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020819

Time
10:38
Toddlers to rate teachers. Because the loveable tots can’t read or write, they’ll be allowed to rate their teacher as a smiley face, a straight face, or a sad face.

I’m rating this initiative with a ‘stupid’ face.

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Date
20020819

Time
11:08
Middle-Earth names! Getcha Middle-Earth names here!

All pretty dull on my side, with the exception of my Orkish name, which is Azhósh the Insane.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020819

Time
13:39
Hang around. Something interesting should happen in about an hour.

(Via orbyn.com)

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Date
20020819

Time
13:52
Bob the Builder: A Crash Course in Sexual Innuendo – teaching you the difference between hard + soft, front + behind, etc. etc. etc.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020819

Time
14:08
And you thought crop circles were weird…

Some farmer/artist has carved himself a 50-acre Elvis.

The above link features a large image of the portrait, but presented here for your own personal amusement is the Bloggerheads version.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020820
Here’s Gonzo!
Time
09:58
Soham has been awash with journalists since Jessica Chapman and Holly Wells first went missing. The story has been a godsend for newspapers this silly season, but with police leads often bearing little or no fruit (or copy), many journos took to quizzing the local paper, and in some cases the locals themselves, for dirt and details.

In yesterday’s Evening Standard, the lead article focused primarily on the helpline that had been set up to help the people of Soham some to terms with the tragedy, but closed with the following:

“After a request from police for the media to give the families of Holly and Jessica privacy to come to terms with their grief, the Evening Standard has withdrawn its journalists from Soham.”

One turn of the page later and I’m confronted by a charming exclusive from Harriet Arkell, whose unique perspective of murder suspects Ian Huntley and Maxine Carr resulted from her doorstopping the couple with a request to use their VCR to watch a recording of the police appeal for the abductor to get in touch. She claimed that she couldn’t watch it in the vans of the TV crews because they had ‘the wrong format’. Me, I think it’s far more likely that the queue for VHS access went around the block once this tape was released, so the simplest way to take notes and file copy ahead of a pressing deadline was to knock on the door of the nearest private residence and blag a way in. Arkell’s ‘think of the children’ angle on this was faultless. I wish I could have been there for the performance.

“Please,” begged the desperate journo. “It’s an appeal for the abductor to get in touch – it may help the girls get back safe and well.”

Erm, and it might even help you get your precious inches of copy back to London too, dearie.

As you might expect, Huntley’s natural reluctance to let a presumptuous journalist into his home was cast in a far more sinister light, given his new status as murder suspect. Even though he had the door open and invited her into the house, his insistence that he would have to check with his girlfriend before letting them use the VCR was noted and related with a due sense of drama.

“This seemed odd,” wrote Arkell, “for such a small request.”

Odd? I would have acted in much the same way if a member of this army of journalists turned up on my doorstep with the same request. No, wait, I tell a lie. I probably would have closed the door in the hack’s face, but not before giving a vocal opinion of her rudeness that would be more or less unprintable.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020820

Time
10:13
Spamming the voters? Not a very good idea.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020820
Christianity Watch
Time
10:23
Take your pick from this bikin’ pastor (who has a sidecar for carrying coffins) and this vampire-hunting bishop.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020820

Time
10:28
Man invents machine that reminds you to wash your hands after using the toilet.

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Date
20020820

Time
10:33
I work with some very clever people, but you’d be surprised how many of them fail to keep their bullshit-detectors on full when using the Internet. Remember folks, when in doubt, search Snopes.

Museumofhoaxes.com also has an excellent retrospective collection, but is more tailored to leisurely lunchtime browsing.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020820

Time
11:19
Carjacker attempts to steal minibus carrying Judo team. Hilarity ensues.

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Date
20020820

Time
15:21
So now when you see someone walking down the street with a torch in broad daylight, you’ll know exactly what’s going on.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020820
Christianity Watch
Time
17:11
Where Was God on September 11?

Never mind that. Where the bloody hell was Superman?!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020820

Time
17:17
It’s been a good day on B3ta today. Lots of quality stuff and a heady dose of sex and religion. We even had some fun with the London Underground (1,2) – erm, before swiftly getting back to sex and religion.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020821

Time
10:01
You may remember that a few months ago Tommy Hilfiger released his legal hounds, closing down a number of operators he claimed were trading on his name. In my case, Cafepress folded faster than Superman on laundry day, requesting all sorts of official appeal documents before they would consider reinstating the store. As smellfinger.com wasn’t really designed to make money, I decided not to bother – but pet supply company Nature Labs took their matter to court, and had the pleasure of seeing the case thrown out by a judge who insisted that only a “dense and humourless consumer” would think there was a connection between Tommy Hilfiger and their products- a range of doggie perfumes called Timmy Holedigger. Good for them. They deserve a treat, and they’ll probably get it if they chase Hilfiger for the £75,000 worth of court costs.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020821

Time
10:03
As expected, Jeffrey Archer didn’t have to make a single cup of tea yesterday. Instead, he spent most of his time in high-end meetings discussing a new play. According to most accounts, he behaved, and was treated, like the man in charge.

I keep thinking back to the old race footage from Archer’s days as an athlete. The race had to be restarted time and again because Archer kept jumping the gun. Play every angle, probe every weakness. The world loves a determined rascal, right?

It’s obvious that he’ll keep pushing the boundaries of his freedom until the whole matter of his incarceration begins to look like a very sad joke. Not that it doesn’t already. His regular release for family visits – and now for ‘work’ – has been described by officials as part of the resettlement process.

Resettlement? The man is less than a quarter of the way through his sentence!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020821

Time
10:05
A lot of the ‘hell in a handcart’ and ‘string ’em up’ stuff I’ve been reading harks back to the glory days of yore, when children could walk safely in the streets. That’s not the way I remember it. When I were a lad, I lived less than a mile from one of the crazy fuckers that did this.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020821

Time
10:10
Oh, won’t somebody pleeeeeeeeease think of the kittens?

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Date
20020821
Christianity Watch
Time
10:12
“Question: What do you get when you cross authentic Catholic teaching with “Weird Al” Yankovic?”

Why, Mick Alexander, of course. This wonderful site features his two albums ‘A Time To Laugh’ and ‘Eternal Life – The Party Album’. If you have RealPlayer (I don’t, I’m sick of that particular piece of hijack software) you can even listen to a track or two. Choices include ‘I Got You Saved’ (a’la ‘I Got You Babe’) and ‘Old Time Gregorian Chant’ (a’la ‘Old Time Rock and Roll’).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020821

Time
10:48
Fighting back against the telemarketers.

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Date
20020821

Time
10:58
Enjoy a daily dose of dillemas at wouldyourather.com

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020821

Time
11:07
The Monster Raving Loony now has representatives in the U.S.

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Date
20020821

Time
11:22
Another journalist who doorstopped Ian Huntley and Maxine Carr. In other news, I’m sincerely hoping that Harriet Arkell goes ego-surfing today.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020821
Search Engine Optimisation
Time
11:50
Finally, Bloggerheads gets a listing in Yahoo!

The only good search result is for ‘weblog consultant’, but what I’m really interested in is the increased link popularity once the listing reaches Google’s database.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020821

Time
11:54
The votes are in and a decision has been made. The next book will be a novel. It will be worked on daily during my hellish 4-hour commute, so be prepared for many characters to die in all sorts of horrible ways as I try to purge the demons inside of me and my overwhelming desire for vengeance.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020821

Time
13:10
Best. Episodes. Ever.

Worst. Episodes. Ever.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020821

Time
13:40
The editor of the category for hemorrhoids over at the ODP actually goes by the name of ‘hemorrhoids’. This is the only category he manages. Could he possibly be a chronic sufferer? Does he only edit that one category because doing more would require being seated for even longer periods? Curse me and my enquiring mind. It eventually led me to the site of this sufferer, who gives a personal account that is incredibly straightforward.

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Date
20020821

Time
15:36


That bloody picture of the shark jumping up at the helicopter has enjoyed a new lease of life (and then some) today. It’s turned up in my Inbox and about a million others a number of times with the usual “It has been nominated by National Geographic as THE photo of the year” rubbish.

Here, for your personal use, are some free clue-by-fours you can send back to the witless wonders who forward this outdated rubbish. It’s a hoax. Duh. National Geographic did not name it photo of the year, in fact, they say just as much on their website.

If you like, you can also send on this new, improved model (to your right) or another variation that’s charting well on Lycos.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020821
Christianity Watch
Time
16:18
The Bible, boiled down into text message fomat? I haven’t seen anything this obscene since Blue Jeans Bible.

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Date
20020821

Time
16:35
A 72-year-old disco owner and notorious womaniser has offered the last woman he sleeps with an inheritance of about $244,000. Anna Nicole Smith could not be reached for comment.

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Date
20020822

Time
10:02
Student arrested after camera discovered in the locker room of girl’s volleyball team.

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Date
20020822

Time
10:05
By the power of Greyskull, He-man returns!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020822

Time
10:06
After using this penis estimation site, Football365 reports that David Beckham’s penis is below average. Are they sure? It’s not very scientific, you know. Perhaps they had best slip a camera into the locker room just to make sure.

Hmm, suddenly I’m reminded of Aussie rugby player Andrew Ettinghausen.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020822

Time
10:16
Alien reptiles live among us! They’ve got me convinced.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020822

Time
10:19
How big is your ecological footprint? Who cares? I’m more interested in penis size today.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020822

Time
10:21
The Coca-Cola Company is accused of using paramilitary death squads to murder, torture, kidnap and threaten union leaders at their Colombian bottling plants. Space lizards are behind the plot, I’m sure.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020822
Latest Viral Agent
Time
10:30
The Virgin Mobile House Price Challenge asks you to value 4 homes for a chance to enter a prize draw (actually, you can get all of them wrong and enter as well). Exactly what house prices have to do with mobile phones is anybody’s guess, but the design on this mechanism is the mutt’s nuts and well worth the minute or so it takes to play and enter.

However…

Yet another agency has missed out on the full benefit of a hosted mechanism by hosting it at a new URL (instead of at the main site of the client). Granted, the site does link to Virgin Mobile, but only inside the flash content. Basically, the link is there but indexing robots can’t see it.

Again, allow me to cut’n’paste the following for the uninitiated:

The more people who link to your site, the better it performs in search engines (especially Google). Arming and hosting a viral mechanism in the correct way boosts your link popularity. In this way, you not only attract people via the mechanism, but also attract more folks making general search queries via search engines. This gives you a far better shot at a good return on your investment.

The referral tool at the tail of the competition should aim at improving this, too. There should not only be a function that allows you to ‘send to a friend’ (standard issue these days) but also something that encourages users to link to the site. If doing either or both improves their chances in the prize draw, then so much the better.

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Date
20020822

Time
11:05
You know those dreams that seem so close to normal, so very, very real – that you wake up from them needing a few minutes to adjust to reality?

Our youngest son Jack woke up with one of those in control of his head this morning. He was convinced that it was his birthday and that there were presents and a big cake waiting for him downstairs.

Poor little tyke. What a crappy way to start the day. Yes, there were tears. Yes, I will have a small present for him when I get home.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020822

Time
11:21
The little shark picture I made yesterday is now No.4 on the Lycos Viral Chart. I figured they could use some new material…



UPDATE – No. 2! No. 2!

Can I crack the top spot, do you think?

Oh, also doing well here is the very cool Virtual Elvis. Its existence tickles me for reasons that are none of your damn business. Now, where did I leave that holographic power converter?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020822

Time
16:57
The attack was sudden and unexpected.

They should have known that Disco Stu doesn’t advertise.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020822

Time
17:16
Air rifle enthusiasts take pot shots at pussies.

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Date
20020822
Ronald Scelson
Time
17:21
Well, would you look at that.

In all the excitement, I forgot to tell you that Can Weblogs Reach Ronald Scelson? was Site Of The Day in The Mirror today.

Hooray for me!

Hooray also for poor old Ronnie’s postman, who must be developing a serious back problem by now…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020823

Time
09:24
It’s going to be a quiet day today, folks – for me, anyway. The site is due a fair hammering after this mention at siliconvalley.com and all the little links from business blogs that are popping up as a result. A whole new audience for Ronnie – yay!



Tell you what though, I will take the time to mention this selection of rejected Penthouse letters just before I go to do my husbandly duties. Enjoy.

(Link courtesy of dogbomb, who also plugged our Ronnie piece today – but hasn’t said anything nice about the free book I sent him yet….)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020825

Time
10:11
My back hurts, my hands ache, but the garden’s not even halfway there yet. Mind you, I spent most of yesterday clearing land that’s the council’s responsibility. Given that their contractors once left it to grow wild for over 18 months, I don’t expect to see them again anytime soon – so yesterday, I took about 3 carloads of bindweed to the local green waste tip. The soil underneath is now fully turned, aerated and seeded with grass seed (grass seems to be the only thing that can overpower the evil combination of bindweed, nettles and blackberry that grows out there).

And, in case I haven’t mentioned it, my back hurts and my hands ache.

Today, I have to clear and turn the soil where the greenhouse used to be. This should be fun, as the soil is full of leftover scraps of concrete (from the foundation for the greenhouse) and lots and lots of broken glass. Still, the whole exercise should give us a few extra square yards of… erm, yard.

The only problem is, my back hurts and my hands ache.

Perhaps this is my penance for unwittingly punishing Ronnie Scelson’s postman…

UPDATE – Oooh, lookie. Here’s a photo of the job somewhere around half-done. If you look closely, you can see the document tray and dish drainer we used to filter the garbage out of the soil (they were found on one of our many trips to the tip, and turned out to be perfect for the job). The wheelbarrow you see in the foreground is one of five we took away full of rocks, concrete and broken glass. We also found quite a few worms while we were about it. All were released unharmed to go about their duties.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020826

Time
16:28
One in four employees spend more than an entire workday each week surfing non-work-related web sites according to this survey. Of a few hundred people. By a company that makes software which can ‘control employee Internet use’. Ahem.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020826
Mustard Man III
Time
16:34
Mustard company French’s is seeking a Mustard Man.

What do you think – should I tell them?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020827

Time
09:51
The Google Quiz looks to be a recruitment tool for Google Answers.

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Date
20020827

Time
09:54
An Australian women’s soccer team was duped into appearing ‘naked’, now the players are banned from stripping for money under any circumstances. Awwww…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020827
Department of ‘I Told You So’
Time
09:57
81-year-old cowpoke given suspended sentence and counselling after poking cows. Hmm, I think maybe I should write a static article on the rise of bestial offences so I have something better to link to than this.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020827
Flash Movies
Time
10:01
Violent Flash cartoons for the whole family! (Link via ultimateinsult.net)

Oh, and check out this cute sailor song. Is that Aqua?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020827

Time
10:03
Texas tourists showered with stale urine. Must be travelling economy if they can’t afford the fresh stuff.

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Date
20020827
It Had To Happen
Time
10:10
Weblogs.com lets you see the latest updates on a number of blogs.

A primitive interface for participating bloggers, but it’s sure to improve with use.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020827
Christianity Watch
Time
10:16
A short list of Jesus-sightings across America.

Hmmm, it doesn’t list this one.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020827

Time
10:19
Light dawns as folks begin to realise that the rise of blogs is more about a publishing format than a cultural movement. Mind you, we are a fickle bunch.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020827
Flash Games
Time
12:02
Forget Lycos Fight Club. The open bitchfest at sissyfight.com is far more entertaining. Claws out, girls!

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Date
20020827

Time
13:10
For those with .co.uk domains, worried that the personal details they provided in good faith were about to go public, I have good news: Nominet UK have now backed down.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020827
Search Engine Optimisation
Time
15:39
The latest version of my Lego site just went live in Google, with some fan-fucking-sock-tastic results for the new vehicles:

No. 1 for ‘goblin glider’

No. 3 for ‘swoop bike’ (only the official Star Wars site does better)

No. 8 for ‘e-wing’ & No. 1 for ‘e-wing fighter’

No. 4 for ‘slave 1’

And, even though there are hundreds of toy shops and review sites plugging the official set, my beefier version is sure to get the attention it deserves now that it’s No. 4 for ‘lego jedi starfighter’. Only the official Lego and Star Wars sites can do better.

And yes, I do like to show off from time to time. Obviously.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020828

Time
07:10
Ho-hum, another day full of meetings and devoid of bloggage.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020829

Time
10:05
Would you scrape brains off the wall for $32.50 to $40 an hour?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020829

Time
10:06
The creator of SatireWire has emerged from a staff meeting with himself and decided to call it a day, citing ‘creative differences’. An inner turmoil I’m only too familiar with.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020829

Time
10:09
It sounds like a country & western song updated for the 21st century:

Ah drove mah pickup truck into nuclear waste.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020829
Countdowns of Note
Time
10:12
Is it over yet?

Well, not quite.

When I checked this morning, the Bush administration was only 40.04 percent over.

Make regular checks for yourself at this George W. Bush administration countdown.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020829

Time
10:15
Enjoy a morbid fact of the day. Or maybe a virtual blowjob (you’ll pardon the pun, but I saw this one coming from a mile away).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020829

Time
10:19
It’s the British Mascot Grand National! You know those chaps who wear animal suits and run around on the sidelines during football matches? Once a year, they get together for a no-holds-barred all-in race at Huntingdon Racecourse. 29th of September, people. Mark it in your diaries.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020829

Time
10:26
Scientology says it’s threatened by “unadulterated cyber-terrorism”. Awww, diddums.

In this release, they note that ‘the freedom provided by the Internet is open to abuse’.

Like copyright infringement, for example?

See their rip-off of Urban75 here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020829

Time
10:34
Was Bin Laden inspired by Isaac Asimov?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020829

Time
10:47
Dogbomb.co.uk bites the dust. Sad, very sad. Dogbomb is a fellow B3tan and longtime supporter of Bloggerheads. It is now my sad duty to report the site’s untimely demise to the weblog coroner.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020829
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
11:21
… for which, I must admit, I am somewhat responsible:

Click here to take the embarrassment quiz.

Me, I’m officially in denial from this point on.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020829
Flash Games
Time
15:32
Arm-wrestle with Sigmund Freud.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020830

Time
09:48
Another quality link from ultimateinsult.net:

A complete episode and character guide for The Muppet Show.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020830

Time
09:51
Jim brought this anti-Google rant to my attention yesterday. Basically, Daniel Brandt claims that the Google PageRank system is undemocratic.

I was surprised that salon.com deemed it at all noteworthy, though they do describe the largely personal attack as being ‘pretty easy to dismiss’.

I tend to agree, though the water is muddied by Google’s curious inability to note links to that page. (They are there, but you do have to dig to find them, and they certainly don’t add to his PR.)

Interestingly, Brandt claims that the system ensures that ‘the rich get richer’. Not so. I’ve worked on a number of large campaigns where my warning went unheeded and large amounts of money were wasted generating link popularity artificially. Funnily enough, it didn’t help much. Nine times out of ten, only natural link support works that Google magic. It is supremely democratic, and yes it works.

If you have an idle moment, check out the PR of this site. It doesn’t look like much, but Bloggerheads has a lot going for it in terms of link popularity. A lot of this link support does not show up in the PR or even in many of the obvious manual searches you might think of. But it’s there, and I know it’s working for me.

Google knows what they’re doing, and they know when to keep their mouths shut about it. PageRank is only one face of the link popularity algorithm, as I’ve pointed out here a number of times. You get the people behind you, and you will succeed in Google.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020830
Universal Church of the Interactive Network
Time
10:06
We have a new disciple!

Don’t delay, convert today!

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Date
20020830

Time
10:10
Doctor arrested for keeping body parts at home. In Tupperware containers, no less.

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Date
20020830
Christianity Watch
Time
10:12
Answering the question: “Did Adam have a bellybutton?”

You know, I once had an argument with a chap who was convinced that women have one more rib than men – because, as everybody ‘knows’, God created Eve from one of Adam’s ribs.

I started by pointing out that, if this was the case, then women would have two more ribs than men.

Things went downhill from there.

Finally, I dared to suggest that he actually feel and count his own ribs… then invited a woman over so we could count hers. He refused to do so on moral grounds, so I counted them for him. He was too ’embarrassed’ to look, and kept claiming that I was fudging the count.

It was about then that I admitted to myself that there are some people you can’t reach, and some fights you can’t win.

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Date
20020830

Time
13:06
OK, guys – here’s the plan: a surprise attack on Iraq. On November 30th. Keep it under your hat.

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Date
20020830

Time
13:10
36% of all email is spam. Only 36%? Has to be a misprint…

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Date
20020801

Time
09:47
Thanks for all the IQ guesses, folks. Estimations of my intelligence ranged from the insulting to the flattering, but the closest guess (125) came from Red Dwarf over at ultimateinsult.net.

My IQ (depending on which stage of my life and/or test you refer to and how much beer I’ve been drinking) is somewhere between 130-138.

Hard to believe, isn’t it?

An autographed copy of The Net-Works Guide to Marketing Your Website is on its way over.

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Date
20020801

Time
09:54
The Saudi Government blocks around 2,000 websites, mostly for the hell of it. The Indian Government plans to block a whole lot more unless they pay a ‘toll’. Yeah, that’ll work…

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Date
20020801

Time
10:07
Scott Whitney told his kids not to see Monsters Inc. with their grandfather, because he wanted to take them to see it. Being kids, they saw it anyway, but kept it a secret. Unfortunately, when he (finally) took them to see the movie, they gave the game away by referring to upcoming scenes and developments. Enraged, he paddled his 9-year-old daughter when they got home – yes, with a real paddle – while yelling “You’re a little Becky!”

His estranged wife’s name is Rebecca.

Why do I get the feeling that the grandfather referred to in this story is of the maternal variety?

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Date
20020801

Time
10:16
Hire the man of your dreams at gigolo.com

Yes, it’s for real, but they don’t have any red-hot lovers for hire in the UK yet. Should I register?

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Date
20020801

Time
10:19
Licence money well spent.

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Date
20020801
Look It Up
Time
10:25
England and Poland have never been at war. Probably because we choose to tell jokes about the Irish instead.

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Date
20020801

Time
11:06
Sometimes my job can be a lot of fun… and then there’s today.

As part of some necessary research, today I ascertained that – across all of the major search engines – over 75,000 searches are made annually for images of external haemorrhoids.

Curiousity got the better of me, so I looked it up, too.

Oh dear God, my eyes!!!!!!

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Date
20020801

Time
11:09
Dogbomb (he of the George Best death pool) just received some rather impressive hate mail.

In a nice card, no less.

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Date
20020801

Time
13:42
The Abbey Road Webcam is the funniest live feed I’ve seen in a long time. You would be amazed at the things tourists do trying to get a good picture on what is probably the most famous pedestrian crossing in the world. Patience is required, but I just plugged this in B3ta and so far we’ve spotted several near misses, one girl who fell over trying to get the right angle, and a group of teenagers who thought it would be a good idea to lie in the middle of the road.

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Date
20020802

Time
10:02
Some better IQ tests for you to enjoy.

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Date
20020802

Time
10:11
Surely if he can afford a domain name and hosting he can also afford a hooker: buymeahooker.com

I’ll keep my money, thanks.

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Date
20020802

Time
10:14
“Freed from the constraints of the printed page (or any concept of ‘page’), an author can now blog a short thought that previously would have gone unwritten. The weblog’s post unit liberates the writer from word count.”

Well said.

Read more at What We’re Doing When We Blog.

Right, now to get back to defining myself a sentence at a time…

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Date
20020802

Time
10:19
The 100 Greatest Videos of All Time

You can watch clips, too. Cool.

Peter Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer” comes in at No.3, and why that pleases me greatly is my business.

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Date
20020802

Time
10:27
Steve Outing has a problem with Spam filters. His problem is that a recent opt-in newsletter he sent out was bounced without notification because it contained words and textual styles that triggered the spam filters.

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Date
20020802

Time
10:33
I mentioned this a few days ago, but couldn’t find a live link. Happily, Romenesko came through.

Britney Spears’ Dad Pulls Gun On Fans.

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Date
20020802

Time
10:53
Man forced to withdraw penis from eBay. I’m a sucker for a good headline.

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Date
20020802
Look It Up
Time
10:54
During World War II, the FBI ran a gay brothel in NYC that was staffed with multi-lingual agents. The idea was to extract information from foreign sailors.

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Date
20020802

Time
12:23
It’s the B3ta slot machine. Only funny if you’re a B3tan, sorry.

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Date
20020802

Time
15:53
I have precisely one hour to come up with a knockout idea for promoting a migraine treatment.

Now I have a headache.

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Date
20020802
Latest Viral Agents
Time
16:27
This parking game is quite a departure for Tesco. They’re normally much more boring about things. Not a bad game, really – but don’t expect it to distract you for an entire afternoon.

If the whole parking things stresses you out, do what I did to get rid of my headache – get out there and kick some heads.

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Date
20020802
Photoshopping
Time
17:22
I don’t get to do this anywhere near as much as I used to – but I can still pull a chart-topper out now and again. If you’ll excuse me now, I’m late for my rocket sled to hell.

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Date
20020805

Time
10:08
When we can afford it, the boys and I drop by a boot sale to top up the Lego collection. The only problem is that now, at the largest boot sale near us, there is a heartless sow with a face like a cat’s bum who buys up all the Lego, knocking personal trader’s prices down with her withering ‘take it or leave it’ voice, then selling it at greatly inflated prices. She’s free to wander around and target new sellers as they arrive because she doesn’t run her own stall. She always attaches herself to somebody else’s stall by offering to pay for their patch. I’m sure there’s another reason she does this – she wants to put a human face on her little trading empire and when she stands there alone, children are afraid to approach.

I don’t blame them. She looks like a ginger version of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

I’m all for free enterprise, but this woman is really starting to get on my nerves. Next week, I’m tempted to go in nice and early – to follow her around and offer a pound more than she offers every step of the way.

In the nicest way possible, of course.

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Date
20020805

Time
10:10
The site findadeath.com seems to be suffering from a near-death experience. Yet another webmaster goes begging for change.

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Date
20020805
It Had To Happen
Time
10:15
Some chap has started a of stupid hyperlink policies over at dontlink.com

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Date
20020805

Time
10:20
A glossary of English ‘food’. Good thing I learned how to cook before coming here.

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Date
20020805

Time
10:26
I was quite disappointed to discover that the official site of Amelia Earhart doesn’t consist of a single 404 page.

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Date
20020805

Time
10:30
The latest edition of Celebrity Bestiality is out. This month: Darius Danesh.

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Date
20020805

Time
10:33
WARNING! This collection of propaganda posters may contain satire.

(Another great find from ultimateinsult.net)

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Date
20020805

Time
10:44
I don’t know much about sculpture, but I know what I like.

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Date
20020805

Time
11:20
How to say ‘NO’ in over 520 languages. If this doesn’t get you anywhere, try saying “I can eat glass, it doesn’t hurt me,” a phrase specifically designed to elicit respect in just about any culture.

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Date
20020805
Look It Up
Time
12:23
The Sybarites taught their horses to ‘dance’ to flute music in order to make their parades more impressive. When the Sybarites attacked Croton in 510 B.C., the Crotoniates whipped out a few flutes and played up a storm. The horses stopped mid-charge to dance, and the Sybarites were slaughtered.

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Date
20020805

Time
13:57
An excellent offering this month from Tom Tomorrow. Two strips for the price of one!

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Date
20020805

Time
15:58
Short but sweet: Austrian police search lake for reported floating ‘corpse’ and find a sex doll.

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Date
20020805
Christianity Watch
Time
16:10
The Christian Golfer’s Association: offering you better putting through prayer.

Trivia: 5% of lightning strikes causing death or injury occur on the golf course.

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Date
20020805

Time
17:16
A court in northern Saudi Arabia has sentenced a Nigerian teenager to six months in jail and 240 lashes for having sex with a camel.

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Date
20020806
It Had To Happen
Time
09:49
Yawn!

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Date
20020806

Time
09:54
Mini-Me to lead world’s largest chicken dance. No need to click – the headline says it all.

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Date
20020806

Time
10:13
One of the world’s most prolific spammers, Ronald Scelson, has no problems speaking to reporters.

When asked why he was so willing to speak with a reporter, he replied:

“I don’t need the press on my side; I can reach more people than you can.”

Yes, his brain really seems to be wired this way. I’m tempted to reach for a clue-by-four. In fact, the creative cogs are turning in my mind as we speak.

Hmm, yes I do believe I have it.

Let me just check something…

Yep, I know where he lives.

I have a big job on today, but I will get back to you.

In the meantime, you can focus your hatred on this photo of Scelson. Imagine his smug grin spreading across the room as his head explodes. It works for me.

UPDATE – Read this post Ronald Scelson made to news.admin.net-abuse.email, defending his right to make our lives a misery. Ooh, look – I’m a Nazi.

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Date
20020806

Time
12:15
Watch the world population grow. Those numbers just keep ticking over…

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Date
20020806

Time
12:54
So Solid Crew accused of group sex attack. This article just reached the discussion group at the official SSC site. Only a few comments so far, but it’s sure to liven up soon.

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Date
20020806

Time
15:41
The Register is launching an ISP. Where do I sign?

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Date
20020806
Photoshopping, In-Jokes, Etc.
Time
17:19
The poor dears over at B3ta are having a bit of a troll invasion at the moment, thus the reference to Jeff. Not that you’ll get any of the other refernces, that is. Fark also had a bit of a moderating snafu today, prompting quite a few threatened walkouts. Erm, and Fb- is the father.

Did you get all of that? Good.

I won’t be in until late tomorrow, but I’ll try to make some progress on a certain spammer when I do.

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Date
20020807

Time
12:59
Hmmm. A day after mentioning everybody’s favourite spammer Ronald Scelson, I received an inordinate amount of spam in my Inbox. Surely a coincidence.

I have something in mind for our friend Ronald, but I want to hold my water until tomorrow night’s Fark party, as I’m sure some excellent ideas will result from an open discussion here.

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Date
20020807

Time
13:07
Vigilante neighbors take to child molestor with a red-hot spatula. Whether it was purchased at Spatula City is not on record.

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Date
20020807

Time
13:12
Way cooler than a life-size Millennium Falcon (well, maybe). This guy built a Battlemech Treehouse for his kids.

Tch! And the best I can do is Lego? I’m going to have to lift my game.

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Date
20020807

Time
13:33
Huzzah! A new Acolyte for the Universal Church of the Interactive Network.

Woot! This one is an even more impressive convert.

We also got blogged favourably by Bea.

Good to see that everybody’s getting the point. Can the top search result for ‘religion’ be far away?

The site is currently 251st for this generic search term (up from #300 or so this time last week).

We’re getting there…

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Date
20020807

Time
14:35
An excellent archive of controversial news stories that would otherwise disappear forever. The site’s name – The Memory Hole – refers to the little chute next to all desks at the Ministry of Truth in George Orwell’s 1984. It is into this hole (leading straight to the furnace) that information is sent when it is to be edited out of existence.

Controversial stories like this one are taken offline or edited every day, mostly due to corporate censorship and spin-doctoring. Online news services – or their hosts – are notoriously easy to bully into submission.

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Date
20020807
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
15:13
Which finger are you?

Surprisingly, I turned out to be the middle finger.

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Date
20020808
Christianity Watch
Time
10:05
Christians are embracing Ned Flanders as a role model. Iconic? Ironic.

At times like this, your really have to ask yourself: What the Fuck Would Jesus Do?

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Date
20020808

Time
10:10
This little teen held up a newsstand, demanding porn at gunpoint. This teen set his sights a little higher, by stealing $28,000 from under his grandmother’s bed and spending a fair chunk of it on crack cocaine, marijuana, alcohol and a room at the Red Roof Inn for him and his mates. What, no hookers? Hm. Perhaps the local brothel was closed.

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Date
20020808

Time
10:12
Whye the hell would I want my own barcode?

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Date
20020808

Time
10:15
Going mosh-pitting this weekend and need to learn a few new moves? Check out this excellent guide to mosh-pitting. Includes JPEGs of individual and group moves, and two instructional .SWF files.

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Date
20020808

Time
10:25
Extreme duct taping. My life now has new meaning.

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Date
20020808

Time
11:01
On Monday, a fellow B3tan complained about being forced to sit through a government training film entitled “Barry’s Bad Data Day”. Having made a few dire corporate videos myself in the past (career highlight: the joys of stencil paving) I was curious enough to look up those responsible for it. The first site I found was that of the Information Commissioner, and it was on this site that discovered that anybody can send an email and order a copy, completely free of charge.

For your own entertainment, I advise you to do so forthwith. I ordered mine on Monday, and arrived on Wednesday. I was greatly disappointed to discover, however, that this glorious film boasts no credits.

No matter. I already know that the dazzling script was by Jonathan Priest and from this site it was only a hop skip and a jump to the site of Centre Screen, the company that produced it. Erm, best not click that last one. It’s a flash site that’s needlessly top-heavy. Just take my word for it that the executive producer is one Rick Megginson. There isn’t much information online about Rick, but he did enter the 1976 Ottawa International Animation Festival.

Sadly, I was unable to discover the identity of the energetic and earnest chap in the lead role. Perhaps somebody who orders a copy will recognise him?

I’d email Centre Screen and ask, but I fear I am not worthy.

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Date
20020808

Time
11:30
Don’t you hate it when you go to the barber for a trim and he takes too much off? Still, hair grows back. To the best of my knowledge, penises do not.

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Date
20020808

Time
11:36
Aquarium platform falls and dumps 10 into shark tank. Heh. This tickles me, because it’s one of the opening set pieces in my novel. (It’s coming, folks. Have patience.)

The difference being, in my case, it’s 30 people. Well, 30 orphans to be precise. After this, the book moves on to happier matters. No, really…

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Date
20020808
Lego
Time
11:55
I know what you’re going to say: “Yawn! Lego Porn, been there, done that!”

Ah, yes – but this is a little more sophisticated than the carnal fumblings of multiple minifigs.

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Date
20020808
Flash Games
Time
12:02
How could you not enjoy Cliff-Diving Monkeys?

The waves come and go, and different monkeys fall at different rates. If the water’s too shallow, the monkeys go splat. Lots of fun, and, if you’re crap at games like I am, lots of blood and guts as well.

There’s even a low-res version for those of you on slower computers. Enjoy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020808

Time
12:15
Remember the man who was arrested for grilling a kitten? He’s up for trial soon, and someone’s started an online petition, urging the Clay County Prosecutor’s Office to seek the maximum sentence of five years in prison and the maximum fine of $5000. Over 25,000 cat-lovers have signed so far. Last Chance for Animals (LCA) is also baying for blood.

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Date
20020808

Time
15:45
Ooh, lookie – it’s an anatomically correct mannequin.

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Date
20020808

Time
16:41
Arrrrgh! It’s one of those really annoying ‘robot’ mimes.

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Date
20020808
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
16:42
I’m 36% geek. The relatively low score is due to a mixture of my technological ignorance and the fact that I have sex from time to time. How Geeky Are You?

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Date
20020808

Time
16:46
Bloody hell.

The White Horse pub in Hascombe is a damn fine pub. I don’t frequent it daily or anything, but I’m familiar with it. In fact, local ginger-spotters report that Chris Evans spends a great deal of time there.

I wouldn’t know. I’ve only ever seen him directing traffic in Godalming and met him once in a completely different pub (long story). Oops, I’m rambling.

Chris Evans was on board a yacht last night with the owner of the White Horse, who was captaining the vessel. Until, that is, he was killed when a boom swung across the boat and knocked him into the water. Poor guy.

Of course, most articles are going to focus on how Chris feels about it and why Billie wasn’t on board at the time. Investigating officers made a point of mentioning that alcohol didn’t seem to be a factor, but there’s sure to be some speculation regarding this as well. Oh, it all makes me so happy.

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Date
20020809

Time
10:08
Last night, I was out with a fellow Farker or two having a beer outside a busy pub, when a woman trying to sell copies of the Big Issue approached us.

She had a young girl with her, who was about 8-10 years old

1. The added presence of the young pity-figure is the standard calling card of fake refugee beggars

2. I’m pretty sure the folks at the Big Issue wouldn’t approve of one of their sellers taking her young daughter out on rounds at 8:30pm

So, I asked for ID.

From beneath her scarf, she produced what would have to be the worst fake ID I have ever seen in my life.

It was a photocopy of a real Big Issue ID, with the photo of a woman obscured by a scarf (who could have been anyone, really). It was produced on pink paper, presumably to add to its authenticity, and laminated very roughly. It was, and this is my favourite bit, held around her neck by a grotty piece of string.

I told her that I was in no doubt that she was a fraud, and cheating genuine homeless people out of their livelihood.

(I must admit here that I’d made the assumption that most of the funds from her sales would go to whatever gang is running this latest scam.)

She denied it hotly, so I dug out my digital camera and tried to take a photo of the ID.

Instead, I got a wonderful picture of her hand.

Off she shuffled, cursing me under her breath.

She didn’t get more than 12 steps before she found a much better prospect, and had him forking out change within seconds.

Out came the camera again, and this time I got a much better shot.

No ‘under the breath’ nonsense this time around. Instead, I was graced with not one hearty and loud “Fuck you!” but three. Her daughter was more restrained, and would only say: “You’re a bad man! Bad man!”

I know, sometimes I can be positively evil.

So evil, in fact, that I’m not only telling you about this relatively new scam, but also uk.local.london and the Big Issue, who this morning will be offered a his-res version of my photo by email. I hope they put her on the cover, then we’ll see how many copies she sells.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020809
Classics
Time
11:08
Put a big fat hairy arse on any web page you choose. I chose this one.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020809

Time
11:26
Send your friends a pee-mail. I made this one just for you guys. Enjoy.

(Link via Dogbomb)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020809
Flash Games
Time
11:43
Bring an emu in for a soft landing. Emus can fly? Wow, Rod Hull must be pissed.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020809

Time
13:01
The site savekaryn.com wants donations towards the $20,000 Karyn needs to pay off a credit card debt. Turns out she’s been hammering it everywhere from Bloomingdales to Ebay, but she was only doing to to help the economy, honest! The new site dontsavekaryn.com comes courtesy of two chaps called Bob and Ben, who are less than impressed with Karyn’s sense of ‘fiscal responsibility’ and say so in the nicest way possible. Mind you, they make this point by – ahem – asking you for money, and this second site is absolutely littered with pop-ups (including, quite entertainingly, one promoting a debt relief package). Nevertheless, both sites are entertaining in their own way, and both are important landmarks in the evolution of online begging. You have to at least drop by so you can say ‘I was there’.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020809
OK, So I’m a Star Wars Geek
Time
16:01
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage… Mr Billy Fett!

Luke is flying in his X-Wing tonight

Through the heights of planet Dagobah

Leavin’ Obiwan & Yoda behind

Out to find his gen-et-ic father

Say goodbye to Dagobah

Say goodbye my baby

Say goodbye to Dagobah

Say goodbye my baby

Han is takin’ care of things for a while

And his style is so warm witty and wry

Leia’s smilin’ happily and it shows

Cos she knows she’s Luke’s sister and Jedi

Say goodbye to Dagobah

Say goodbye my baby

Say goodbye to Dagobah

Say goodbye my baby

Moving on, is the chance that you take

When you fall in love with your sister

Whoa

You’ll find it’s way out of line

If you want to make love

Or maybe want… to fist her

To fii-hi-i-hist her.

I’m so powerful and strong with the force

That of course, I could win easily

But Obiwan said Darth murdered my Dad

Now I’m sad, because Obiwan lied to me

Say goodbye to Dagobah

Say goodbye my baby

Say goodbye to Dagobah

Say goodbye my baby

Doubts are racing in and out of my mind

Now I find evil dwells within my soul

The force seems stronger when I leave good behind

I’m afraid the dark side will take control

Say goodbye to Dagobah

Say goodbye my baby

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020809

Time
16:16
Disabled jokes are on the menu. No, really.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020811
Feedback
Time
21:31
“Well done,” says Jed, “Only you would rhyme ‘fist her’ with ‘sister’!”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020812
It Had To Happen
Time
09:55
1. Blogger is offering banner ads on Blogspot. A major blog interface provider, and they miss the point like this? Tch!

2. Oh, it’s Blogrolling now, is it? Insert the sound of a stifled yawn here:

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020812
Department of ‘I Told You So’
Time
09:56
“There is, at last, some evidence that the main commercial sites are realising that this aggressive advertising does not work.”

Why ads on the net don’t work.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020812

Time
10:06
The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins (links to Quicktime .MOV file). Leonard Nimoy sings up a storm on film. The truly sad thing is that I own the album this is from, but I must admit to preferring the classic ditty ‘Highly Illogical’.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020812
LOTR
Time
10:20
Five things that sucked about Lord Of The Rings.

“2. Not enough lesbians. In fact, there weren’t any.”

I’m sure you get the idea…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020812

Time
10:30
Not much blogging on today folks (I must go and bravely enter the world of the offline agency). Still, there are two new articles/thingies for you to read:

1. WTF is Weblog Marketing? attempts to explain to the clueless what potential exists and the kind of stupidity they should avoid. It should also let hardcore bloggers know more or less where I’m coming from.

2. Can Weblogs Reach Ronald Scelson? is the latest Can Weblogs…? experiment, seeing if a little people-power can shake some sense into one of the world’s biggest spammers.

Have fun, and play nice.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020812
Flash Movies
Time
10:37
Enjoy this Hard Copy take on the Enron story.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813

Time
09:53
The Ultimate Insult notes that the Simpson family, like so many other celebrities, have sold out to the almighty Yen and appeared in a series of Japanese ads for soft drink called CC Lemon. Still, at least it’s not as bad as the Flintstones flogging Winston cigarettes.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813
Department of ‘I Told You So’
Time
10:01
“There’s a vast group of people out there now who are experts in finding the news and links, capturing its essence in short snippets, and churning it out hour after hour, day after day. We know their content is compelling, and that drives traffic and repeat visitors to their sites. It’s time to take blogging to the next level and that starts with paying people to produce high-quality, focused blogs for commercial Web sites.”

Read more at:

Blogging for Dollars: Giving Rise to the Professional Blogger

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813

Time
10:07
Topping Blogdex and Daypop today:

Tales of the Plush Cthulhu.

If you’re wondering what it’s all about, you might want to check out the Cthulhu Mythos FAQ or dig deeper via its category in Google.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813

Time
10:16
One minute we’re banging rocks together, the next minute, off we go, lickety-split up the evolutionary ziggurat. And it all started with a magic mushroom.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813
Flash Movies
Time
10:24
How to score without making it to the end zone.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813

Time
10:26
Stray dog identified by microchip and returned to owner. 6 years after the pooch went missing.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813

Time
10:28
Argument over blueberry pie culminates in murder-suicide. Both husband and wife died from gunshot wounds. The fate of the freshly-baked pie is, sadly, unrecorded.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813

Time
10:41
A pictorial HisTory of Michael Jackson’s face.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813

Time
10:42
Popbitch boarders are reacting predictably to advertising on the site.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813

Time
11:21
The Guardian has done another quiz:

Are you a workplace time-waster?

But, again, they’re neglected to format the results as a ‘cut and paste’ graphic/link.

*sigh*

Well, perhaps the omission is deliberate. We can only hope.

Friends Of The Earth are at it, too – but this quiz is hosted at a new URL, not at their main site, and it’s produced in (wait for it) shockwave flash. There’s a ‘send to a friend’ function at the end, granted, but both of these quizzes miss the vital element of link generation.

Let me spell it out for the uninitiated:

The more people who link to your site, the better it performs in search engines (especially Google). Doing a quiz in the correct way boosts your link popularity. In this way, you not only attract people via the quiz, but also attract more folks via search engines.

In fact, this blog owes a great deal of its overall link popularity to the MASH Quiz.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813

Time
15:04
Well, here it is – a new bloggerheads logo/image thingy (up the top to your left). What do you think?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813

Time
15:49
Latin to be banned from the courtroom. Omnia mutantur nos et mutamur in illis.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813

Time
15:59
A Woman’s Guide on How to Pee Standing. No funnel or attachments required.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020813

Time
22:14
Can Weblogs Reach Ronald Scelson? is going ballistic today, mostly thanks to Fark. You can read what Farkers think of the whole thing (and pick up some useful information) by reading the related thread.

Another boring day tomorrow with offline marketing folks, but I’ll be back and bouncing on Thursday.

Have fun, and play nice.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020814

Time
16:07
Via the wonderful Firda comes this equally wonderful Merkin’s guide to speaking British proper like what we do.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020814

Time
16:20
A brand spanking new article about your mate and mine, Ronald Scelson – and fellow spammer, Al Ralsky.

Hmmm, now what can be done for Al?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020814

Time
16:48

Dear God,

Please send me £3.4m so I can devote the rest of my life to proving how unfulfilling monetary wealth is.

Cheers,

Manic

(Link via ‘Can Weblogs…?’ supporter Jon Jon)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020814

Time
16:53
Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you the top search result in Google for ‘Ronald Scelson’.

I love it.

This search also turns up a number of blogs who have linked to our campaign in the last couple of days.

Heh. Daily indexing – is there anything it can’t do?



Before I sign off for the day, special mentions also go to Pixelforge who supported the campaign with the following statement: “Don’t question, just do it. That is all.” and Matt, who describes Scelson as a ‘magnificient bastard’.

Magnificent, indeed. I can only hope that today’s mail call (if not tomorrow’s) starts him on a journey towards becoming a better human being.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815
Christianity Watch
Time
09:54
The Ultimate Insult does it again. Check out this great animation of Christ being nailed to a cross. You can also get a screensaver version to hammer the Christian message home on a daily basis.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815

Time
09:59
Is your favourite celebrity alive or dead? Better check here, just to be sure. Interestingly, Elvis Presley and Jim Morrison are not listed.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815
Department of ‘I Told You So’
Time
10:02
Dan Bricklin on the subject of blogs and business applications.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815
It Had To Happen
Time
10:08
Gaze in wonder (or boredom) at the blogging collective hosted at blogcritics.com

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815
Ronald Scelson
Time
10:10
Groovymother is on the Ronald Scelson bandwagon and wonders:

“Hmmm… maybe Mr Scelson would like to join a CD club… He seems like a Ricky Martin sort of guy.”

(Really? I always saw him as more of a Neil Diamond type…)

Camworld chips in with the simple yet eloquent statement: “Die Spammers Die!”

Bloggers Rogi and Eddie are also on the case, but the most interesting developments on this front happen when the link spreads to a discussion group, where not only that vital address is shared, but also some interesting ideas as well.

Oh, how I wish I could see Ronnie’s mailbox today…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815

Time
10:16
An article on that shameless savekaryn.com woman. She’s taken in over 4 grand so far, (which covers about a quarter of the credit card bill at the centre of this begfest).

To think the poor dear was only earning $100,000 a year, too…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815

Time
11:03
Britain marks 150 years of public toilets – erm, by closing most of them down. If you’re going to London and think you might want to spend a penny while you’re there, use this searchable database.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815

Time
11:58
Are you Darius? Take this simple quiz to find out.

They missed an important question, though: Do you like cows?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815

Time
13:50
Computer games are used as a tool to praise Satan. It might be best to go outside and partake in some more wholesome activities instead.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815

Time
13:56
Enjoy this very disturbing collection of stock photography. A combination of these would make for one hell of a feature in the Daily Mail.

(The fun really starts on Page 2, so do press on – it’s worth it.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815
Emma Jones: Hardcore Journalist
Time
14:12
Says Emma in her feature article today:

“Like everyone else in Britain today, I feel an increasing sense of despair as the search for Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman continues. But I can’t help thinking that, in a small way, we all share some responsibility for their plight. Why? Because we live in a society where paedophilia has been allowed to infiltrate our mainstream culture. Sexy images of children in pop videos, magazines and adverts now appear perfectly normal, even fashionable.”

How true, how very true. She even cites that Britney video as a prime example, which makes this choice of lead picture in today’s edition of Bizarre even more entertaining.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815

Time
14:40
How cool, a role playing card game based on Spam.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815

Time
14:52
1. Commies are mammals.

2. Commies fight ALL the time.

3. The purpose of the commie is to flip out and kill people.

Find out more at The Official Commie Webpage.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815

Time
14:54
Bummer. My Iconobloc has left me, citing neglect.

Oh well. At least my houseplants are still alive.

No, wait…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020815

Time
15:54
United States and Italian officials have launched a joint inquiry into reports that US military helicopters swooped low over a packed beach so that the crew could get a close-up view of sunbathers. They wouldn’t have been spotted if they’d done this after dark with night vision goggles.

No, wait…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020716

Time
09:52
Topping Blogdex with an impressive 39.0 points, the news that the U.S. plans to recruit to recruit one in 24 Americans as ‘citizen spies’. Just in time for the upcoming Hate Week, too.

UPDATE – Here’s more on the same program from the Washington Post and the official recruitment site.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020716

Time
09:56
I just read a nice article in The Times about Walmart’s exploitation of workers. Then, of course, I had to go into the bathroom to wash the ink off my hands. Happily, you can now read this same article online without the inconvenience. There might still be cause for washing your hands, though. Once upon a time…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020716

Time
10:04
An old chestnut popped up in The Register section of The Times today (yes, prompting more inky blackness).

Asks Dave Wilson of Lower Kingswood, Surrey:

“Why do we never see white canine faeces in the streets now? It was prevalent in the 1950’s?”

There are a thousands sites and posts that explain this quickly and easily – but Dave won’t find such information unless he takes that plum out his mouth and uses the correct search term: ‘white dog poo’.

The answer is that dogs aren’t eating enough bones these days. Except in cartoons.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020716

Time
13:57
Where did I leave my keys? Did I take my medication? Hmmm, better check my blog.

Now, if only I could remember my login details…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020716

Time
14:23
Tasteful.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020716

Time
15:44
Secret service surfing Britney sites. No doubt looking for ‘that’ video.

(In case you’ve just arrived from Mars, yes it exists, no it’s not real.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020716

Time
16:39
Yet another newsagent that isn’t a public library.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020716

Time
17:03
Of course you’ve already seen it, but I just noticed that the infamous Peter Pan has recently got smart enough to foul up any attempt to ‘hotlink’ images from his server – so I popped along to see what else had changed about the site. Not much.

Erm, but I did notice that the visit counter is now pushing close to 3 million.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020716

Time
17:19
Fresh and steaming from the B3ta files:

Let’s Fist Again.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020717

Time
09:55
Forget freedom. I’m coming to the conclusion that some blogs need to be controlled by a new Too Much Information Act.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020717

Time
09:57
Peter Pan still needs another 4,410 visitors to push his counter over the 3 million mark. Visit today, or Tinkerbell will die.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020717

Time
10:02
Operation Tips is still riding high on Blogdex and Daypop. You can get a fair idea of what people think of this scheme by researching the sources.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020717

Time
10:08
An excellent article on the ever-evolving Google effect and the influence weblogs currently enjoy. It makes a few assumptions and overall argues that this influence is unfairly disproportionate, but details such as the factor of ‘recency’ (which has been proven by a number of SEO experiments in this very blog) make it a worthwhile read.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020717

Time
10:21
A sensible, elegant and measured statement on the subject of Spam. In other news, Yahoo! has recently taken to editing email, erm, for your own good of course. We can trust Yahoo!, can’t we?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020717

Time
11:16
Hooray! My religion has attracted a new Acolyte. Slowly but surely…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020717

Time
13:08
“LONDON – Stocks were dropping precipitously last week as investors realised that corporate leaders, thought to be working for the good humankind, were actually busy trying to make a lot of money.”

Heh.

Found on this same site (in the excellent reality bytes section), a link to a forum for Christian knife enthusiasts.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020717

Time
13:27
Screengrabs from Reefer Madness, one of the greatest anti-drug films of all time.

And it’s just given me a nice little idea….

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020717

Time
14:46
A Googlesque version of Amazon – Amazon Light – has been developed by Kokogiak, and damn it’s fast.

Kokogiak, you remember them… right?

No?

Don’t tell me that you’ve already forgotten about The MegaPenny Project!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020717

Time
16:13
All hail the new blog of Pickled Pizza!

(Pickled Pizza is a fellow B3tan. His blog is mostly filled with Potatoshops at the moment. This situation is not likely to change.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020717

Time
16:20
A welcome return to form at The Onion:

“Efforts to pass legislation restricting spam… are meeting with strong resistance from the nation’s powerful penis-enlargement lobby.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020718

Time
08:46
Some new examples of engrish for you to enjoy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020718
Give me a P!
Time
08:48
Don’t have a pot to piss in? Accept no imitations! Get the original Sneaky Leaker!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020718

Time
08:50
Amazon really are getting their ship together.

(Oh, if you missed it yesterday, check out new Amazon Lite as well.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020718

Time
08:52
Shudder!

… as the man who screams in the forest at night to relieve stress is asked to stop by Police because he’s freaking the neighbours out.

Cheer!

… for the old lady with a walker who took on a mean bus driver that wouldn’t let her sit in the disabled seat.

Drink a Toast!

… to Miss Teen Texas, the cleaner than clean beauty machine who has been charged with public intoxication.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020718

Time
08:59
Some solid lunchtime reading for you to masticate on. The results are in for the 2002 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

Trust me, the winning entries are brief and entertaining enough to suit even the shortest of attention spans.

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Date
20020718

Time
09:03
Guardian Unlimited is launching the first competition to find the best British weblog.

I’m wrapping my entry in a £20 note.

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Date
20020718
How Blogs Work #329
Time
09:48
John Austen discovered my blog via Fun Junkie. He described this blog as: “great for finding funny news items in a similar way to Kung Foo”.

Without this comment, I wouldn’t have known about Kung Foo at all, but, taking a look at it just now, I notice how similar it is to CrackBaby in terms of how it groups/themes its links and news items. Subsequently, someone else is sure to read this and email me with three or four more examples of this presentation style.

(Oh, and if it’s fast updates John is after, I can’t wait to find out what he thinks of Fark.)

OK, where were we? Oh, yes. While over at Kung Foo, I found this good article on blogs, erm, and the blog of its author who, BTW, doesn’t think that blogs will become ‘a business model for anyone anytime soon’.

I tend to disagree, so I’m tempted to email him and invite him over for a visit. The funny thing is, I won’t need to. He’s sure to drop by once he gets a look at his referral stats.

Hi Adam.

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Date
20020718
Telemarketers
Time
15:33
After years of frogs in blenders and hamsters in microwaves, this makes for a refreshing change of pace. Finally, someone who deserves inhumane treatment. BTW, I got a call from Anglian Home Improvements today. We’re on some database that’s sold almost exclusively to double-glazing outfits because the previous owners of our house once bought a door with double-glazing. Subsequently, even though we’ve opted out of such calls from the electoral roll and what-not, we still pop up in these lists that are sold from company to company.

Subsequently, it’s very hard for us to get off this list, so this time I decided to roll into action and try and track down where the details were coming from.

Oh yes, the call. It went like this:

(Please note that some names have been changed to protect the innocent – and the guilty…)

Telemarketer: Helloit’sJohnfromAnglicanHomeImprovements here. Is Mr Previous Owner there please?

Me: Just a moment, let me get a pen.

(pause)

Me: Yes, could I get your name, please?

Telemarketer: My name is John

Me: And the company you’re calling from?

Telemarketer: Anglian Home Improvements. Sir, would you like to talk to my supervisor?

Me: Yes, thanks – that would be helpful.

Telemarketer (muffled): Oi! Frank! Can you talk to this guy? He’s in some kind of strop!

(pause)

Supervisor: Hello, my name is Francis, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’m in a bit of a strop, and…

The supervisor did, quite surprisingly I thought, offer me the details of the parent company, but not the number. He claimed that he’s not allowed to know the number. This way he’s not tempted to give it out. Nice.

Anyway, I looked them up. Found the site, found the number. I also found them listed on this site, very useful for anyone who may one day have to battle the telemarketers.

I called them. I requested to have my name taken of the list. Again, quite surprisingly I thought, they admitted/confirmed that my name was from a list that they had bought. This time I got the full details over the phone and got ready to call the data agency that had sold it to them. I was approaching Nirvana.

There I was (or at least, there was Mr Previous Owner). Could I be taken off this list? Yes. Have they sold data to any other double-glazing outfits besides Anglian Home Improvements? No.

Bugger.

Judging by the number and variety of calls I get regarding double-glazing, I can deduce from this that our names are on more than one such list. So our details, sold on by the company that fitted the door at the behest of Mr Previous Owner, are now in the hands of multiple data agencies selling to a number of different companies.

Basically, we can request that our details are taken off the list each time, but it’s not going to do us a heck of a lot of good. I think it’s time to go back to a mixture of fun and abuse.

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Date
20020718

Time
16:27
We ask you to remember us in your prayers tonight, in the hope that Steve gets a solid offer on his house via the website before next Saturday.

If I had a red dot to hand, I’d ask you to focus on it. But I don’t. Focus on this full-stop instead. Or this one.

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Date
20020718

Time
17:06
I’m sorry, but this list of ads that have been haunting people for years is only interesting if you’re Australian. It’s also missing one very important ad, so please do excuse me if I let out a deep ‘Ahhhhh’ and say:

“Matter of fact, I’ve got one now.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020719

Time
09:58
Peter Pan has rocketed past the 3 million mark thanks to a timely plug over at Fark.

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Date
20020719

Time
10:00
This is what I like to see – a hotel with full facilities.

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Date
20020719

Time
10:03
Real-life stories of porn clerks. I’m sure you meet the nicest people. I remember one porn clerk being interviewed on late night Australian television. When asked about the worst part of the job, he told the interviewer that the (ahem) private viewing rooms certainly didn’t clean themselves – and that the back stairs were very steep and dark. He’d fallen over and worn most of the contents of his cleaning bucket at least twice. Most of us would probably quit after the first time.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020719

Time
10:09
The great thing about being totally uncool is that you don’t end up with baggage like this in your CD collection.

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Date
20020719

Time
10:12
I said pull my finger!

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Date
20020719

Time
10:13
The city of Denver is overcoming the problem of people ‘souveniring’ manhole covers, erm, by selling them as souvenirs.

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Date
20020719

Time
10:27
Well, I finally got around to watching the movie McBain after hunting down a copy on ebay. Save your money, folks. It has its moments, but it’s nowhere near as howlingly awful as Timemasters, which disappoints me greatly. For a while there, I’d thought I’d discovered a visionary to rival the late, great Ed Wood.

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Date
20020719

Time
10:36
Man arrested for burning kitten on grill. What a stupid thing to do. The microwave is much faster.

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Date
20020719

Time
10:45
A damn good database of songs from television ads. Oh, and look, he’s smart enough to have affiliate ‘click to buy’ links. Good man.

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Date
20020719

Time
10:59
Benjamin Cohen, one of the most accomplished media whores of the dotcom goldrush days, is getting out of the porn business because it’s ‘a drain on resources’.

Damn, I could have told him that.

What next for Benjamin, I wonder?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020719

Time
12:49
Can’t be bothered to blog? Try linkdumping instead.

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Date
20020719

Time
14:18
I haven’t been Photoshopping for a while (busy, busy, busy) but this result certainly is encouraging.

The original is from one of those naked fund-raising calendars full of wrinkly people who should know better.

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Date
20020719

Time
15:25
Beware the domain vampires.

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Date
20020722

Time
09:48
Sometimes the headline is enough: Murder attempt ends night of romance.

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Date
20020722

Time
09:49
Firda notes, quite rightly, that the CNET Glossary has the definitions for LOL and ROFL, but left out LMAO. Strangely enough, they’re also missing WTF.

Not to worry. The Acronym Finder is slightly less prudish and so carries far more entries. Erm, partially censored in places, of course. What is is about the word ‘fuck’ that disturbs people so much? Perhaps its usefulness and versatility threatens some.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020722

Time
09:59
Today is ‘look up and live‘ day on Wall Street. Take care, kids. Oh, and don’t forget to pray to the Sun God.

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Date
20020722
Photoshopping
Time
10:01
Woo-hoo! A big winner at Fark, and it’s all thanks to Steve Irwin.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020722

Time
10:10
It had to happen: Six Degrees of Blogeration. They need a bloody search engine for their listings, though.

UPDATE – Jim claims that ‘Co-depiction is a much more interesting demo of the theory’. I’d tend to agree, but this database (‘integrating image metadata with the six-degrees thing’) is going to need a lot more takers before it becomes truly illustrative.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020722

Time
10:17
Now that’s what I call empowerment.

See the cripple cannon today and rethink the expense of that new access ramp.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020722
Lycos Viral Chart
Time
10:50
My entry is still stubbornly hanging in at No. 9 in the Lycos Viral Chart after over a week of activity. One weakness that now makes itself apparant; how do I update this image now that we all know that we’ll never get a chance to vote Jade out?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020722
How Blogs Work #330
Time
11:14
Lately, I’ve started to find more and more material for my blog from people who have linked to me.

Today’s examples: this collection of quotes at quotegarden.com, found via a link to my quiz on their M*A*S*H quotes page, and this nudist site, which has also linked to the same quiz somewhere in its message boards. Nudism? M*A*S*H? Is there a connection? I did a few searches on ‘nude/naked mash’ and was surprised to find, well, nothing really. You would think that someone, somewhere, would be sick enough to do a few fakes of the folks at the friendly 4077th, but no.

Funny, in a way I feel really let down.

Still, I did find this budding artist’s site, which features both nudes (watch out for these, they’re pretty graphic and far from appetising) and portraits of stars from the series.

Erm, and an anorexic Jim Morrison.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020722

Time
11:54
Putting a caption-generating function in the URL is a bloody stupid thing to do.

Find out why, then feel free to make your own.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020722
Short but Sweet
Time
13:21
Jeffrey Archer’s appeal has failed, doo-dah, doo-dah.

UPDATE – Oops, his day in court ain’t over yet.

The Guardian reports that he will also ‘appeal against his sentence this afternoon’.

(Insert joke here about a sentence by Archer being unlikely to appeal to anyone.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020722

Time
14:32
A good day for justice today. Erm, sort of. Property tycoon Nicholas van Hoogstraten has been found guilty of manslaughter after ordering a ‘hit’ on a business associate. It’s manslaughter instead of murder because the judge bought his line of bull that he wanted the victim roughed up, not rubbed out. He’s still facing a life-sentence, though. Let’s see what his legal team comes up with for the psychiatric reports (scheduled ahead of sentencing). They’re sure to be well-paid, so I’m hoping for some creativity.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020722

Time
14:57
Monkey Man is back on the rampage. While we’re on the subject of old news from India, look what I found when looking for a nicer word than ‘foetus’.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020722
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
16:14
What, no spork?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020722

Time
16:20
Ever wondered what happened to SeeThru?

(We used to link to them – remember? You don’t? Oh, OK, ignore this next bit then…)

Here’s a very long article that goes into a little more detail than the site statement: “BBC2’s Attachments has finished its run and so has this website.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020722

Time
17:15
Fark’s decision to include a ‘Florida’ tag is looking more and more justified with each post. The latest is this article, featuring the following tibit from Luis Penelas (executive director of a Havana-based HIV/AIDS outreach group). He claims that sex in prison is not only condoned by officials, but encouraged by placing one gay man on each floor. OK, enough background, let’s go to the quote:

“‘In most cells they place a loca – or screamer – so inmates can relieve the tension.”

And if you think that’s too much information, have a little peek at this report on male rape in U.S. prisons.

Are we getting too heavy for Monday afternoon? OK, then – how about some pretty pictures to ease your mind?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020723

Time
09:57
An article on digital images and how they may not be as accessible to future generations as, say, shoeboxes full of prints stored in an attic. Here it should be noted for the record that, thanks to a single invention, a large chunk of Egyptian history will now forever remain a mystery. That invention was papyrus.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020723

Time
10:03
From ultimateinsult.net comes this link to The Apostrophe Protection Society.

Not as silly as it may seem. I see misuse everyday. Even at what would normally be considered a pedant’s convention – Extreme Computing 2002 – there was a misguided soul set to print out an example of her wares. The result was a shirt that read:

T-SHIRT’S PRINTED HERE

Scariest example I’ve ever seen? A shop window that read:

TATTOO’S

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020723

Time
10:11
Normally a complete scan of Action Comics #1 would get me excited, but somebody gave me a commemorative reprint of this as a gift 3 years ago.

If I want to read it now, all I have to do is reach under my bed.

(Yes, I keep comic books under my bed. Why? What am I supposed to keep under there?)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020723

Time
10:18
Read about The Boot Lady. She’s taken to clamping cars that park in her office parking space and charging a $25 fine before releasing offender’s vehicles. Not surprisingly, the police have been called on more than a few occasions and are getting rather sick of the whole thing.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020723
Look It Up
Time
10:32
The 1777 resolution regarding the creation of a flag for the United States reads as follows:

“Resolved: that the flag of the United States be made of thirteen stripes, alternate red and white; that the union be thirteen stars, white in a blue field, representing a new Constellation.”

Please note that there is no indication whether the stripes should go horizontally or vertically.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020723
Flash Games
Time
10:37
Choose your target and plug away at shoot-it.org

Hm, this looks like a copy of one of B3ta’s earliest successes, Kill Your Friends.

The difference? Well, it is prettier. And it tones down the death aspect while at the same time allowing for more focused aggression (in this case your ‘friend’ is a single target, but represented as a poster image on a shooting range – so no blood, just holes in the paper). Oh, it also doesn’t allow you to share a link with other people, thereby allowing them to shoot your ‘friend’ too. It was shared choices like Geri Halliwell, Osama bin Laden and the Queen Mother that made the B3ta version such a hit (in that it spread virally via ‘healthy’ interests other web users had in common), so this version is relying almost entirely on a combination of the concept and its playability.

There you go, leave to the marketing department to suck all the fun out of reckless gunplay.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020723

Time
10:50
Funny how one photo can sometimes change your life. This woman is a UK Royal Marine. It’s a powerful photo, indicative of the times, and boy-howdy is she a looker! I’m predicting a small measure of fame as a result, and if not, she’s welcome to drop by and storm my beaches anytime.

(Oh, in case you haven’t heard, nice guys are losers, so I’ve decided to road-test a new personality, that of a somewhat delusional sexist pig…)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020723
Nude People Are Watching This Site Right Now!
Time
11:59
Greetings to all of the lovely people from netnude.com who are dropping by today. As chance would have it, I just found a lovely video that you might enjoy called ‘Natural Intelligence’ (I think it’s supposed to be advertising a car or something, but this sure as hell doesn’t come across in the clip). You can download it via this page or view a streamed version by going to www.newintelligence.co.uk

Cheers all.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020723

Time
15:07
The problem with a runaway success like The Osbournes is the inevitable rush of cheap copies that follow. FFS, doesn’t Anna Nicole Smith have enough money as it is? Why can’t she bog off, settle in the world’s biggest trailer home and stay out of our lives?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020723

Time
17:04
Alan Kilshaw has been struck off as a solicitor. This news, combined with the top search result for Judith Kilshaw in Google, explains the traffic spike over at Celebrity Bestiality this morning.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020724

Time
09:42
It’s going to be one of those days with little or no bloggage today, and again, it’s because of the type of meeting that lasts aaaaaaaaaaaaaall day. Ho-hum. Still, I do have one link to share; this guy thinks that Tony Blair is a werewolf. Funny, I always thought he was a lapdog.

(Actually, it’s a rather lame viral attempt promoting the movie Dog Soldiers – based, as you might have guessed, on ‘Is George Bush A Chimp?’)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020725

Time
09:14
Hm. I first saw this thread a few days ago at B3ta, but was hesitant about blogging it.

Still, as everybody is now sending it to me, I can safely assume that you’ve all seen it, so my blogging it (for the record) will do little to add to this circus.

Basically, a girl named Sarah dropped into a Watford discussion group (it’s a football team) that her ex-boyfriend Brian participates in, and announced that, while ‘playing away’ in Greece, Brian had contracted hepatitis and then returned to give it to her. His mate Pete was kind enough to fill her in with some extra details, but he was also stupid enough to reveal that he had had a hepatitis test too. Details regarding this are sketchy. Did the boys share a woman, a needle, or a night of passion? Sarah has suggested the latter, but by now she’s loving the attention, frothing at the mouth and not entirely to be trusted when it comes to the truth.

Oh, Brian has been shagging Emma from Boots, too.

Cue much laughter and many prescription jokes.

Brian even called the police at one stage, claiming harassment.

Then Brian finally addressed the board, dropping the bombshell that – *gasp*- Sarah’s dad is a Luton fan! Heh. Only in England. Or maybe Brazil.

After this, things got really nasty – and matters weren’t helped by all of those tittering, jeering and cheering on the sidelines like your classic Jerry Springer audience.

Given the season, this should reach the national newspapers by today or tomorrow.

UPDATE – You’ve read the thread, now buy the t-shirt!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020725
Look It Up
Time
09:16
Benjamin Franklin didn’t want the eagle to be the symbol of the U.S. – he thought the turkey was a far more suitable choice. No, I’m serious. He though the eagle was a bird of of ‘bad moral character’ and lived its life by ‘sharping and robbing’.

As it turns out, the eagle is the more suitable choice. Oh, and not as smart as it looks.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020725

Time
09:31
The New York Times website has refused to accept new ads from Sony.

Why? Because they pretend to be articles.

Fair enough. You wouldn’t get away with it in print or traditional broadcast, after all.

The NYT tried to get Sony to include something that clearly defined the content as an ad, but no agreement could be reached. Sony will be pushing ahead on other sites.

Mr T. Scott Edwards, consumer segment marketing officer for Sony Electronics, revealed himself to be a complete twat when he said: “We’re breaking paradigms here.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020725

Time
09:40
I like him.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020725

Time
09:41
Popbitch have crossed a dangerous line. Today’s issue asks:

“And which celeb hairdresser is rumoured to be the father of one of Fergie’s children? (The one that doesn’t look like Andrew, natch)”

Fergie may still be an un-person, but the palace always gets a bit iffy when people start talking about unauthorised offspring. Will Brenda strike back?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020726

Time
10:23
An excellent quiz from Firda. My weblog owns 50 % of me. Does Your Weblog Own You?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020726
Christianity Watch
Time
10:25
Yet another winning link from ultimateinsult.net:

Glad, a Christian version of MAD. Here The Simpsons become The Symptoms (of cultural breakdown) and Leave It To Beaver becomes Leave it to Believer. Well, they’ve changed my outlook on life forever.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020726

Time
10:29
Today is System Administrator Appreciation Day.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020726
Look It Up
Time
10:31
The novelist Jerzy Kosinski was scheduled to fly from Paris to Los Angeles, but was delayed on a stopover in New York when his baggage was accidentally unloaded and he was forced to follow them through customs. Because of this, he missed his planned meeting with Sharon Tate and friends the night Manson’s clan turned up for an impromptu visit. Oh, and the name of the man who heard screams from a nearby campsite but, despite driving around for over 20 minutes, failed to locate the source? Tim Ireland.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020726

Time
10:32
David L. Brite knew he featured in his stepgrandmother’s will, he just didn’t know where to find it. He hired a lawyer and agreed to pay 25% of the inheritance as a fee. The lawyer found it with one phone call, and duly submitted his fee – of $350,000. Mr Brite seems to think that this is a little unfair.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020726

Time
10:36
Jackass host Steve-O has been named in an arrest warrant for obscenity. He (allegedly) exposed himself and stapled women’s underwear to his bare chest. As you do.

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Date
20020726
It Had To Happen
Time
10:47
Do you like my new title? I plan to use it often. Today: Weblogs are given the Hot or Not treatment.

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Date
20020726

Time
11:11
Typical. One day to go and my daily indexing goes astray. Pray, people. Pray that Steve gets an offer on his house via the website before midnight tomorrow. Papa needs a new pair of everything.

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Date
20020726

Time
11:15
The Brian Tindle story has reached the Register. Ananova have had it since Wednesday. The national rags are probably waiting for their Sunday editions and/or for Big Brother to end.

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Date
20020726

Time
16:00
The ColdPlay Shop sells ‘Trouble’ Babygrows. Heh.

You’re never too young…

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Date
20020726

Time
16:33
Operation TIPS-TIPS invites you to inform on informants.

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Date
20020726

Time
16:48
‘Brain Fog: Menopause can affect function of memory’ states the headline. They even have a pretty picture of a brain fog. Erm, but they forgot to include the article.

UPDATE – This oversight has, sadly, been corrected. Subsequently the above link has lost all of its charm and you should probably look elsewhere for cheap thrills.

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Date
20020726

Time
17:07
Malcolm (he of the Middle) is about to get a little brother or sister.

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Date
20020726

Time
17:23
A small collection of crappy banners for you to enjoy.

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Date
20020726

Time
17:27
Calculate penis sizes quickly and easily with the Sizemograph.

My result told me that I was ‘big, but not big enough’.

Thanks for that.

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Date
20020727
Lego Geekage
Time
10:02
My little Lego site at lugjam.co.uk has (finally) been updated. New models that are worth a peek include the new, beefier Jedi Starfighter and the Bionicle-scale Goblin Glider.

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Date
20020728

Time
09:14
From the B3ta newsletter comes this gem:

For the bargain price of $100, you can take a picture of your arse and send it to Sylvester Stallone’s mum.

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Date
20020728
Headlines of Glory
Time
09:19
Injured Tortoise Uses Skateboard.

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Date
20020728

Time
09:21
The official cowtipping home page. Non-stop thrills, now with more cows!

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Date
20020729
And She’s OK Folks!
Time
18:58
All of this happened last Thursday, so you’ll pardon me for not keeping you completely up to date, but once you take a good look at the image on the right, I’m sure you’ll see why I didn’t want you guys to worry (and when I say ‘you guys’, it needs to be pointed out that my family read this blog too).

Last Thursday, our young daughter (9 months old and fit as a Mallee Bull) got her toe caught in a hospital door.

1. You know how heavy hospital doors are.

2. Scream? That doesn’t even begin to describe it – but at that age, it’s hard to define what is pain and what is indignation.

3. If you must have an accident, the hospital is one of the best places to have one.

In short, the nurses and doctors were great, and the patient is fine. No crushing or partial amputation, just one very badly cut toe with a lot (a lot!) of blood.

Back to normality tomorrow, folks.

Have a good one.

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Date
20020730
Department of ‘I Told You So’
Time
10:06
iVillage is dropping their pop-up ads because 95% of users think that they suck.

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Date
20020730

Time
10:10
A woman has been arrested after firing a ‘warning shot’ at drive-by litterbugs. Britney Spear’s dad has been a bit gun-happy lately, too – but online news items regarding this seem to have disappeared into the ether.

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Date
20020730

Time
10:17
The owner of Boobie Blog thinks we can come up with a better name for his chesty checklist.

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Date
20020730

Time
10:22
Apes in Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!

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Date
20020730

Time
10:25
I would have had this set up sooner, but my main email account bounces emails from the Hot Or Not folks for some reason. OK, today we ask the question: Is my Blog HOT or NOT?

Probably not, but I’m a big boy. I can deal with rejection.

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Date
20020730

Time
10:31
I thought I’d plumbed the depths with my blog long ago of the Transformers Adult Fan Fiction Archive. Happily, there appears to be at least one level beyond this: ‘My Little Pony’ Erotic Fiction – and this site has tastefully arranged photographic interpretations. Nice.

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Date
20020730
Can Weblogs…?
Time
11:10
Could Weblogs Sell My Mate Steve’s House? Well, they could, but – sadly – they didn’t.

In one of those ironic twists that makes you want to strangle a cat, Steve received a solid offer on the house about a week ahead of the deadline on the 27th, but it was from a lead via his agent.

It wasn’t until this same potential buyer got home and decided to have a peek around at other properties in the area that he saw Steve’s site.

Bugger.

Bugger. Bugger. Bugger.

Still, it’s not all doom and gloom today.

For over two years, Celebrity Bestiality has ridden high at the 2-4 spot in Google for the search query ‘bestiality’. Last month, we dropped right off the scope. So far, the only reason I can nail down for this was a recent reshuffling of the DMOZ listings that have been in place since its inception.

Today, we’re back on the front page and – for the first time in the history of the site – in the No. 1 spot for the generic search query ‘bestiality’

No. 1!

Obviously it’s not a result I can show to all of my potential clients, but it’s still a bloody ripper, and I’m now driving a shedload of fresh daily traffic to the all-important Porn Report.

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Date
20020730
Latest Viral Agent
Time
12:47
According to the holiday-themed Pull-o-meter, I stand a 58% chance of scoring a little action (based on my decisions within the role-playing game). This, despite the fact that I hit the town in my Batman suit, had a drink spilled on me, dropped more than a few pills and hogged a spliff whilst dancing like an idiot on a podium in a dingy nightclub. Is it really this easy, or does the sheer pulling power of a Batman suit make you close to irresistible?

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Date
20020730

Time
13:30
Won’t somebody pleeeease think of the monkeys?

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Date
20020730

Time
15:30
A surprisingly sensible take on the ‘faked’ moon landings.

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Date
20020730

Time
16:26
B3ta’s message board, which shudders along at maximum capacity at the best of times, has finally collapsed under the weight of El Reg’s ‘website of the day’ plug. Flattering, yes, but most B3tans are quite pissed to be deprived of a day’s worth of kitteny goodness.

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Date
20020730

Time
17:01
I don’t plan on wasting money on a cinema ticket, but Eight Legged Freaks has a kickass site.

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Date
20020731

Time
09:51
Is this blog Hot or Not? Well, the current rating is 9.8, but being a smug bastard about it is sure to cause a drop in ratings.

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Date
20020731
Department of ‘I Told You So’
Time
09:53
Porn industry leads the way in IT innovation. Well, they did invent the left-handed mouse.

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Date
20020731

Time
10:02
Live Action Comics presents the amazing adventures of Night Woman. This is really, really bad. You’ll love it.

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Date
20020731

Time
10:08
Test your IQ. Erm, do I get extra points for being smart enough not to give my name, address and email to these jokers?

Tell you what, let’s play a little game today. I already know my IQ, but let’s see if any of you regulars can guess it. Emails to the usual address, closest guess before tomorrow morning wins an autographed copy of one of my books. There you go, a hint; I’m bright enough to be able to sign my own name…

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Date
20020731

Time
10:13
Still riding high on Blogdex, this very good article about George Bush ripping off George Orwell’s ideas.

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Date
20020731
Rocket Sleds To Hell
Time
10:21
The tabloids (when they aren’t rabbiting on about whether or not he deserves his new liver) quote George Best’s chances of survival at around 80%. Dogbomb has a pool going.

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Date
20020731
Look It Up
Time
10:28
Radio waves travel at a speed of 186,000 miles per second. Sound travels at a more leisurely 700 miles per hour. Therefore, a radio broadcast of a live voice can be heard up to 13,000 miles away before it can be heard on the other side of the studio from which it originated. No wonder they have those time-delay kill-switch thingies…

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Date
20020731

Time
10:58
Tom Coates of plasticbag.org is less than happy about The Guardian’s Best British Blog competition. (Yes, this is the same Tom Coates who was profiled quite favourably in Monday’s G2 section.)

The Guardian is at least smart enough to be open about the issue, and has published this email exchange, warts and all. It needs to be mentioned here that Tom is also less than happy about the introduction to this exchange, which serves mostly to set the tone in The Guardian’s favour. (Fucking hell, Tom. They’re journalists. What did you expect? Heh.)

I tend to agree with Tom regarding the need to preserve the personal freedom of expression and exchange that weblogs provide, but he fails to see that the juggernaut of commercial interest can’t be stopped. Our only hope is to make it blindingly obvious that you can’t come charging into this ongoing conversation and exploit it at will. Funnily enough, Tom’s done just that by speaking out in this case – but he seems to be of the opinion that there’s no place for commercial applications in the weblog community.

He’s wrong, but I don’t thing it’s an ignorance thing; I think it’s an idealism thing.

Yes, there are millions of fuckwits who will come in and try it on in the most ham-handed way possible, but they’ll fail spectacularly – and quite visibly.

On the other hand, there are also quite a few brands that value communication with their customers, and doing so in a way that makes them a natural part of this conversational ecosystem can only be of benefit to both parties.

Of course, without stringent resistance from folks like Tom, they’re unlikely to want to strike this balance if they think that there’s a faster, easier and cheaper way to achieve their aims.

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Date
20020731

Time
13:07
After spending £75m and enjoying several weeks of public ridicule, PWC Consulting have dropped their rebranding to ‘Monday’.

Gosh, I wonder why…

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Date
20020731

Time
13:52
My new office has a dedicated telephone hygienist. This is going to take some getting used to. Sure, I managed to keep a straight face today, but what if he drops by in a moment of weakness? I don’t want to offend the poor man…

Oh, I happened to be looking at this when he dropped by to sanitise my handset.

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Date
20020731

Time
15:28
Darius set to top charts. Can you feel the love in this blog?

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Date
20020731

Time
16:34
This image of Britney Spears giving the finger is pretty popular today, but I prefer this one. Of course, Britney doesn’t always flip the bird at fans. Often she has staff on hand to do it for her.

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Date
20020731

Time
16:41
More blog tools than you can shake a stick at.