Bloggerheads

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Date
20020616
South West Trains
Time
18:00
Have you noticed the new stock rolling about of late? A few months ago, the Advertising Standards Authority had a go at SWT for claiming that 785 new ‘trains’ were on the way, when in fact it was more like 785 carriages. SWT’s defence was that it could claim whatever the hell it liked in its leaflets, describing them as ‘PR material’. So, don’t believe anything you read in SWT’s PR material, becuause they feel justified in filling it with complete bullshit.

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Date
20020616
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
18:10
Which Willy Wonka character are you? gets plugged because WW is one of may favourite movies and provides perfect fodder for this kind of quiz.

O2’s Which footballer are you? on the other hand, scores a mention mainly because it’s yet another commercial attempt to cash in on the quiz craze that’s missing even the most basic functions that make such a quiz spread virally. Nice try, guys. Next time, do some research.

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Date
20020616

Time
18:17
The word ‘blog’ is going to be in the next edition of the Oxford English Dictionary. Still no emoticons, though.

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Date
20020617

Time
09:24
I find it quite telling that, knowing full well that the monarchy (via Black Rod) was ready, willing and able to tear New Labour a new arsehole, certain MPs would start a very public campaign about freeloading royalty. Ho hum.

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Date
20020617
Monday, Monday
Time
11:28
Well, that’s it. Andersen are screwed. Caught with their fingers in the shredder, as it were.

Also, as part of their rebranding to ‘Monday’, PWC Consulting has just spent 5 million US dollars on the domain name and brand onemonday.com

Anybody else got a domain name with the word ‘Monday’ in it? Time to cash in, methinks…

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Date
20020617

Time
11:31
Who was Deep Throat? Pat Buchanan named by students as the ‘most likely’ candidate.

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Date
20020618
London Underground
Time
09:45
The London Underground’s regular promo spot in the back pages of the free commuter paper Metro today touts the availability of the LU for filming. They helpfully point out that this costs £200 per hour with train hire from £400. They also close by pointing out that the following restrictions apply:

LU’s Byelaws do not permit filming of: vandalism or graffiti; ticket touting; assaults on passengers/staff; fare evasion; use of Firearms or other weapons; misuse of escalators; unlicensed busking; begging; smoking or drug taking.

So basically, if you want anything approaching realism, you had better start building a set.

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Date
20020618
Googlebombing
Time
10:23
The Google Challenge is sure to get slapped down sooner or later by the increasingly temperamental purveyors of the world’s greatest search engine, but – damn it – I just can’t resist a challenge.

[BTW, topping Blogdex today is an article about how Google googles itself. That makes you go blind, y’know…]

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Date
20020618

Time
11:05
Take a look at your online linkage family via kartoo.com – the most novel approach to search engine data I’ve seen in quite a while. Just enter your own website or blog to see how it works and start playing from there.

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Date
20020618
Hollywood Is Out Of Ideas
Time
11:16
They’re making a movie version of The Greatest American Hero, erm, believe it or not. (Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself…)

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Date
20020618

Time
11:20
Go on, get it off your chest…

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Date
20020618

Time
11:24
How to resuscitate a drowning cat. There may well be more than one way to do it, but this is my favourite.

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Date
20020618
South West Trains
Time
14:06
Something I didn’t mention in last week’s rant, and that was the good impression you get when you first approach the staff room on Platform 1. I was pretty sure nobody would believe me – but I did happen to have a digital camera on me this morning and managed to get a halfway decent snap of the doorway – and the sign on the locker that pretty much leaps out at you as you look through it.

I do apologise for the fuzziness of the pic, but the nature of the message seems pretty clear – and quite indicative of the attitude most SWT staff have towards their customers.

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Date
20020618

Time
14:15
A colleague just got a very interesting email from a complete stranger with the same last name as her. At first, I thought it might be one of those viruses that deliberately looks as if it’s arriving from friends or family – but she opened the attachment before I could stop her.

No, no virus – just a very interesting timetable that is clearly maps out the best times in which to conceive a child.

The chap seems to have had sent it to name.lastname@isp.co.uk instead of namelastname@isp.co.uk (which we presume to be his wife’s email address).

She sent the attachment back with a polite refusal – saying basically that she was flattered, but spoken for.

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Date
20020618

Time
17:19
Eat more fruit!!! (nsfw)

Be sure to scroll down to the comments.

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Date
20020619
Movie Of The Week
Time
10:54
We have a new front-runner for ‘Worst Movie Of All Time And No Mistake’. Previously, my favourite tragic failure was Starcrash, the nasty Star Wars knock-off starring David Hasselhoff as the hero and Christopher Plummer as his highness, the Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe.

Timemaster beats Starcrash for pure awfulness on all counts, plus gets bonus points for one very special reason; everybody tried so very, very hard.

In fact, if they had a token trophy for participation or even ‘most determined player’ as part of the Oscars ceremony, Timemaster would have walked away with it in 1995, there’s no doubt of that in my mind.

The scriptwriter, bless his heart, threw everything he could into this movie and boy howdy, does it show. Normally the director’s inability to bring such an inspired script to life would cause friction – but happily, in this case, the writer and director are the same person. Sadly, the genius James Glickenhaus (for it is he) hasn’t written and/or directed since. (Simpsons fans, however, will be delighted to note that he actually made a movie entitled McBain in 1991 starring Christopher Walken, and we can only hope that this movie is equally awful.)

The actors push their limited talents, erm, to the limit. Right from the opening narrative, I knew that this was going to be a special movie. Even the kids are something special. If what George Lucas squeezes out of child actors makes you want to retch, then this movie is sure to increase your tolerance for such things by a factor of 10.

The cinematography is beautiful throughout (you can literally see the money that’s been spent on it) and a special mention goes to the stuntmen who visibly earn their pay, but have no doubt been forced to leave this movie off their CV.

Similarly, some of the best sequences owe their timeless charm to the best efforts of ‘not the best special effects studio in Hollywood’. Clearly challenged by the inability to present a halfway convincing illusion, they still try so very, very hard.

Make no mistake about it; this is a movie that everybody should take the time to see. Should you happen across a copy in the dusty back rows of your local video store, you can rest assured that it is well worth the cost and any bewildered looks you may get from the staff.

Watch it alone if you must, but for peak enjoyment, I suggest viewing this excellent movie with a circle of close friends. Get a few cans of beer in, rustle up some popcorn, and get ready to throw both at the screen.

Timemaster awaits.



[UPDATE – If you want to purchase this excellent film via Amazon, it will cost you over 90 US dollars!! If you don’t believe me, go and see for yourself. The reviews alone are worth the click-trip.]

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Date
20020619
South West Trains
Time
11:04
Well, it’s nice to know that I’m having some effect.

The offending sign in the staff room at Guildford train station has been hastily removed.

This means one of three things:

A – The staff saw me take the picture and are smarter than they look.

B – The staff saw this web page.

C – The copy I sent to Andrew Haines (MD of South West Trains) had the desired effect.

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Date
20020619

Time
11:13
Enjoy speedstacks.com, online home of the grand old sport of Cup Stacking.

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Date
20020619
PWC Consulting
Time
12:42
Of course, by now you’re aware that PWC Consulting have, as part of their “Criminals? Us?” rebranding exercise, spent very silly money on the domain name and trademark onemonday.com and launched a top-heavy flash show to celebrate at introducingmonday.com

What a shame that they neglected to register introducingmonday.co.uk, which is now under the control of B3tans.

5 million for ‘onemonday.com’ and they can’t spare the 5 quid for one lousy .co.uk domain name?

Idiots.

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Date
20020619
Well, Burger Me
Time
13:17
Fast food is sending Japanese schoolgirls into a sexual frenzy. Apparently your standard burger-induced bonk is available immediately, but if you want a schoolgirl sandwich there’s a 3 minute wait.

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Date
20020619

Time
14:55
If NASA gives them more coffee, they’ll never come down.

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Date
20020619
Sore Losers
Time
15:38
Italian soccer club Perugia has dropped South Korea’s Ahn Jung-hwan from their club after he scored the goal which knocked Italy out of the World Cup. Nice.

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Date
20020619
Search Engine Optimisation
Time
17:12
I know it’s old news, but there’s still a few danger seekers who end up here by searching for ‘pretzels’ and ‘president’ in Google. We’re No. 2 for this, just under the lovely Betty Bowers.

I know, pretty dull huh?

OK, how’s this for today’s example – search for ‘photoshopping’ and we’re No. 4

Better?

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Date
20020620

Time
13:15
Celebrity Boxing, your days are numbered. Cat Boxing is here!

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Date
20020620

Time
13:16
I just finished reading John Cassidy’s excellent book dot.con (available at Amazon in the US, the UK, and wherever good books are sold).

It’s a great read, and includes the following quote that I feel honour-bound to repeat here:

“The United States is a nation of many strengths, but facing up to reality isn’t one of them.”

Heh. Love it.

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Date
20020620

Time
13:23
The paedophile ratted out by “Dear Abby” just got eight years of probation for possession of child pornography.

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Date
20020620
PWC Consulting
Time
13:30
Oh boy, they really don’t know what they’re doing, do they? Bad enough that they let introducingmonday.co.uk slip through their fingers, but the rebranding to ‘Monday’ is sure to be complicated by the fact that they don’t own monday.co.uk either.

Find out more. You’ll be greatly amused, I assure you.

[UPDATE – Hooray! Our shenanigans rated a mention at The Register.]

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Date
20020620

Time
14:15
Proof positive that Corey Feldman met Spinal Tap.

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Date
20020620

Time
17:08
They’re not porn films, they’re morality tales.

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Date
20020620

Time
17:12
Following in the footsteps of the Globe of Blogs is this great London Bloggers Tube Map. I’m at Chiswick Park, and therefore a Zone 3 Blogger.

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Date
20020620

Time
17:17
It is my duty to inform you that, should you wish to link to the NPR website, then you will first need to fill out this form. Thank you.

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Date
20020621
Don’t Ask…
Time
08:43
I’m a lucky fella

And I’ve just got to tell her

That the cream works topically

Because fungus grows between my elephant’s toes

And nobody knows like me

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Date
20020621

Time
08:51
I reviewed the fantastically awful movie Timemasters a few days ago, and noted that the director had done some other stunning work, including a movie called ‘McBain’. J Tirrell wrote in with the following:

Indeed, I have seen the movie McBain, and it was completely because of the Simpsons. It is quite a terrible movie, with some sort of loose plot about Christopher Walken rescuing his Viet Nam POW buddies (or something). Film highlights include an airplane-flying Walken shooting down a jet with a pistol. As Rainier Wolfcastle says, “Up and at them!”

I notice a few second-hand copies floating around here and there, so I do believe I’m going to hunt one down and see it for myself. Watch this space for a review entitled “Worst. Walken. Movie. Ever.”

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Date
20020621
PWC Consulting
Time
08:53
Lots and lots and lots of visitors from all over the place are dropping by to see the Monday, Monday feature. Referral stats show not only a big spike via El Reg, but also a growing number of visitors from a variety of discussion groups (including one over at Motley Fool).

Yesterday, I tried a few good email combinations that would work with this domain name (I looked up things like ‘admin’, ‘info’, etc. before settling on the harmless yet amusing ‘chairman@monday’). Today, just about all of these combinations are gone.



Use them wisely, children – we don’t want this to end in tears…

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Date
20020621

Time
09:05
It has come to my attention that there’s some kind of feetball match on at the moment, and that I should be watching. It has also been suggested that I pretend to care, for the sake of my own health.

Oh, go on then…

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Date
20020621

Time
09:08
Supeheroes and science? Screw the feetball, I’m in geek heaven!

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Date
20020621

Time
09:11
Argh! Being dragged away from desk. Don’t want to go to smelly pub. Want to stay here and bl

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Date
20020621

Time
12:54
Well, that was fun. Well worth the trip. I’m sorry that turned out to be such a downer for the all the England supporters out there. In fact, I’ve prepared the following pick-me-ups to help brighten your day:

Have a laugh at this Brazilian Beatles cover band. They look just like the real thing.

Laugh even louder at this Brazilian heavy metal band and the sheer ingenuity of their web designer.

Gaze in wonder at the Brazilian restaurant in Sydney, Australia that lets you eat barbecued chicken, lamb and beef – all in one sitting. (Confession: I actually made a television commercial for these chaps back in 1997. It was full of juicy chunks of meat and jiggling dancing girls. Quality stuff.)

Take part in this Brazilian Boycott, protesting the cruel treatment and high-tech mind control suffered by John Gregory Lambros.

And finally, consider the following:

Average life expectancy in Brazil: 63.24 years

Average life expectancy in the UK: 77.82 years

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Date
20020621

Time
17:10
Wired have picked up the NPR link popularity story. Blogs do it again.

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Date
20020621

Time
17:11
Q&A with the Googlemeister.

(link lifted from http://weblog.greenpeace.org/)

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Date
20020621

Time
18:56
Please remember to rewind your DVDs.

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Date
20020623
Don’t Ask…
Time
12:20
I’ve been a very good boy, and have yet to employ any major weapons from my SEO arsenal. ‘My elephant’s toes‘ comes in fine at No. 1, but rules is rules and for ‘elephant’s toes‘ alone I’m all the way down at No. 11. I’m cool with that – but next week I get nasty.

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Date
20020624

Time
10:34
I always wondered where they picked up those undersea bases and ‘one-size fits all’ silver jumpsuits.

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Date
20020624

Time
10:41
Tourists flock to mystery hole in road. Obviously not a lot happens in Woodinville.

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Date
20020624

Time
10:44
Beer orders to the official suppliers to the Palace of Westminster have apparently doubled since October. One pundit puts it down to disillusioned MPS who don’t want to sit around in the Commons chamber, but need to stay in the building to vote. According to this article, ‘the multitude of drinking dens are crammed full’.

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Date
20020624

Time
12:31
Here’s a list of the Top 10 evil people of all time followed by a list of the Top 10 good people of all time, sorted in order of evilness and goodness. Also comes with many, many reader’s comments.

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Date
20020624

Time
13:04
Where’s Waldo?

This gag is getting old by now, but the executions are getting more effective with time.

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Date
20020624
South West Trains
Time
13:55
Reply received. Discussion initiated. Report to come.

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Date
20020624
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
13:58
Actually, I can kind of relate to Which Enemy of the Christian Faith Are You?, but it rates me as an atheist. I’m not. I’m an Interactivist, and proud of it! (Never mind little rubber things, my religion lets you wear anything you damn well please on the end of your John Thomas.)

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Date
20020624

Time
14:05
Osama bin Laden is alive and well and waiting to strike. If you want, you can create your own terror warning here or just try not to think about it.

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Date
20020624

Time
17:16
An open letter to spammers. Only one reader comment so far, but I have a feeling that this is about to change…

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Date
20020625
Googlebombing
Time
10:21
My performance in the Google challenge is improving. I’ve gone from No.11 to No.3 for the search query elephant’s toes, and I’d like to think that I’ve done it in style by using the words in a sensible and enlightening context. Here’s that song again, just for your reference:

I’m a lucky fella

And I’ve just got to tell her

That the cream works topically

Because fungus grows between my elephant’s toes

And nobody knows like me…

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Date
20020625
Search Engine Optimisation
Time
10:33
It’s been a sleeper success for some time now, but we’ve just got a fresh crowd over to the

Make Baby Jesus Laugh or Cry page thanks to a plug at grouse.net.au

BTW, just in case the meaning escapes you, here’s the listing for ‘grouse’ from the Macquarie Concise Dictionary:

grouse

adjective Australian, NZ Colloquial

1. very good.

–phrase

2. extra grouse, excellent. [origin unknown]

This small page has been floating around for a while, and I must admit that I have been neglecting it. The bloody counter still resets almost randomly. Still, it did what it was supposed to do, the end result I wanted was a search result like this. It’s still only No.7 for the more generic search query baby jesus, but we are getting there.

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Date
20020625

Time
10:49
A group of Australian school students were busted when they tried to use some fake photo licences that they knocked together using school equipment. What gave them away? They wore school uniforms for the photos.

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Date
20020625
Crush, Kill, Destroy…
Time
12:30
Scientists in Yorkshire have created a robot that actually thinks.

Not surprisingly, its first big idea was an escape plan.

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Date
20020625

Time
15:14
Japanese schoolgirls (who, if you remember, are sent into a sexual frenzy by fast food) have taken up wrist-slashing to relieve stress. Well, it does decrease blood pressure, I suppose…

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Date
20020625
Christianity Watch
Time
15:20
No doubt it takes a special kind of person to go out and mime for Christ. Do they do that classic impersonation of Jesus on a rubber cross? Somehow I doubt it. I’m picturing moves like ‘trapped in a box by Satan’ and ‘walking against temptation’. Hmm, now I think about it this would make for a great show. In fact, I’d pay to go and see their upcoming performance at Winfield Prison.

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Date
20020625

Time
17:13
Lonely, desperate, law-abiding? Date an inmate. The list of women inmates is $3, but the list of men is free, so I might instead write to a male prisoner and make him my bitch.

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Date
20020626
Search Engine Optimisation
Time
10:53
As predicted, the Google Challenge has been shut down after advice from Google that it ‘may be a good idea’ to do so. A pity, because I was doing so well with the old elephant’s toes.

Some good came of the exercise. A fellow contestant emailed me with questions regarding link popularity and how I seemed to be performing better than other sites with a (seemingly) higher indexing than myself. The answer to this question is something I’ve decided to call ‘dark links‘. (Scientists haven’t seen dark matter, they only know it exists because of the way things around it behave, thus the name.)

There are a lot of people listed in the Google database who have, instead of linking to the core URL, instead linked to a specific page or folder. These links don’t show up in your standard link popularity tests (Google bar, link: etc.), but still have a pronounced effect on my ranking.

So there you go, now you know.

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Date
20020626
South West Trains
Time
11:10
You may notice by the time of my first post (below) that I was a little late getting into work this morning. Actually, I started out trying to get to work earlier. Unfortunately:

WE ARE SORRY SERVICES FROM PORTSMOUTH ARE SUBJECT TO SEVERE DELAY, DIVERSION OR CANCELLATION DUE TO TRAIN FAILURE AT HAVANT

Well, crappy old rolling stock will do that to you every once in a while – or every other day.

The result? The customer information screens (not the new ones that still aren’t working, but the old ones that are just hanging in there because they haven’t been maintained properly because everybody expected the new sysytem to be online by now) made for a very depressing read. Here’s the rundown:

7:52 Waterloo – 80 minutes late

8:07 Waterloo – 70 minutes late

8:22 Waterloo – ‘diverted’

8:32 Waterloo – ‘diverted’

8:50 Waterloo – 5 minutes late

The best I can hope for from this? A partial refund on my overpriced ticket. Maybe. Will I get that hour-and-a-half of lost work time back? No.

I honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. Last time I was this reliant on SWT, the experience drove me Right. Into. The. Ground – and I’m sure I’m not alone.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020626

Time
13:20
Who cares if there’s some guy in a white coat up to his elbows in my mouth? I want a relaxing foot massage from one of them there dental nurses.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020626

Time
14:27
12-year-old girl summoned to court for overdue library book. Frightened girl sends Mum in her stead. Judge says ‘not good enough’ and sets a new court date, insisting the girl attend – presumably so he can personally tear her a new arsehole. What a hero.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020626
LOTR
Time
14:32
‘Two Towers’ trailers. Go get ’em.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020626
Latest Viral Agents
Time
14:51
Car, cars, cars, cars, cars!

Smart Getatway is a nice looking piece of work, but that’s a big bloody download just to sign up for the competition.

This Holden game (see the link on the right entitled ‘Cruze-O-Meter’) is equally pretty but I know I’ve seen this exact execution plugging another car in the UK before. Not that this is a cardinal sin, but I only remember the previous incarnation because I sent a comment to the agency responsible, pointing out that it had sweet bugger all to do with cars. I suppose that’s what makes it so easy to recycle…

*sigh*

Oh, and guys, if you want stuff like this to spread more effectively, it works better if people are able to link directly…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020626

Time
15:30
Young men aren’t buying chickens because they get the eggs for free.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020627
South West Trains
Time
08:03
More info on what happened yesterday (see below). Apparently, the 6:19 out of Portsmouth Harbour got stuck at Havant because somebody pulled the emergency cord and, because of a technical fault with that system, they were unable to start the trains again. I’ve seen the exact same thing happen on old rolling stock before. IN fact, I’ve been on the train in the dark for 45 minutes while they sorted it out.

Anyway, the train was stuck at Havant. There used to be a passing point at Havant, as well as two others at Petersfield and Liss. They aren’t there anymore. I don’t know why they took them out, but I can only assume it was somebody’s brilliant plan to cut costs.

So, much joy further up the line at Guildford. None of the usual Waterloo services could get there, so for the most part passengers were stuck from about 7 to bloody near 9 with no way to get to London.

No, wait, I tell a lie. Two services via Cobham (known affectionately as ‘the scenic route’) did go in this time. Packed to the hilt, of course.

There were no extra services put on this in this time to help passengers get to London. A wide selection of rolling stock sat within view of the station, and many passengers asked why these couldn’t be put into action. The answer? “Out of order, sorry.”

There weren’t even any special shuttles (or shuttle buses) to get passengers to Woking so other services could get them to London.

In short, it was a shambles. This is a network just scraping by, so when the shit hits the fan, SWT just can’t cope.

This morning, train services via Clapham Junction have been disrupted due to ‘emergency engineering works’. SWT announce that ‘short notice alterations and delays of up to 30 minutes may still occur on many trains’.

Another morning of chaos, in other words. I’ve had it. I’ve really bloody had it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020627

Time
13:20
OK, folks – it’s activity time again. A big challenge, this one – but there’s a few quid in it if you want to join in:

Can Weblogs Sell My Mate Steve’s House?

Heh – it’s probably the last time he’ll make a bet with me, but who cares?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020627

Time
20:08
From the folks what brung you www.portalofevil.com comes diminishedresponsibility.com, which includes very efficient – and I think quite fitting – use of newsisfree.com

It may even make it into the navigation bar shortly…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020628

Time
10:45
Last Friday night, vandals smashed every window at the All Saints Church in Woodham Lane, Woking.

That’s not funny.

Each stained glass window will cost up to £15,000 to replace, making the estimated repair costs £270,000.

That’s not funny.

Cllr Margaret Gammon (Con, Horsell East and Woodham) said: “I am absolutely shattered.”

Now that’s funny.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020628

Time
11:06
A few weeks ago, the three co-founders of the now-fucked dotcom Den, Marc Collins-Rector, Chad Shackley and Brock Pierce, were arrested in Spain on charges relating to child pornography. The linked article also states that “the men have been sued in the past for allegedly raping, drugging and threatening to kill teenage boys while they still ran the now-defunct DEN.net” (though those in charge of the wreckage are trying to distance themselves from these sordid shenanigans). The full implications of this blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. Look, you don’t really want to read all of this distasteful dross, now do you? I tell you what, do yourself a favour, wait until everybody goes to lunch, and instead watch the whole saga in this glorious Flash animation. You’ll bust a gut.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020628

Time
12:29
While we’re on the subject of pornography and fleeing the country, read about the Bill Gates of porn, Seth Warshavsky and his flight from the US with a computer under each arm and a song in his heart. You’ll never guess where he ended up…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020628

Time
14:57
It’s all very Otto Sump (look it up), but if you do want to look truly unique, you could do far worse than choose from this excellent selection of fake teeth.

They even have the early Celine Dion model, which impresses me greatly.

(Thanks go to TheGlasgowKiss for the link.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020628

Time
15:04
Explore the fundamental interconnectedness of all things.

Should only take you most of the day. Enjoy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020628

Time
15:11
Look for me (or you) in this picture of weblogs.

It’s an applet, so it requires gentle handling and patience.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020628

Time
18:03
This is what my youngest son made at pre-school today.

(Not the carrot, just the mutilation.)

1. What are they teaching these kids?

2. Do we need to lock the vegetable crisper from now on?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020628

Time
18:51
Attention all bloggers!

If you get indexed daily, you might want to join our latest experiment.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020628

Time
18:52
The latest edition of Celebrity Bestiality is hot off the presses. This month: Victoria Beckham.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020628

Time
07:44
Another gem, as found by ultimateinsult.net:

Throw kids at R. Kelly.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020629

Time
12:07
First Worldcom, now everybody is nervous about Xerox. Hmm. Perhaps I should take more stock in the contents of yesterday’s FuckedCompany Sporadic. Pud warns:

I know none of you Sporadic subscribers give a fuck about business n stuff… but still, I have to say… we’re in red-alert mode. FC usually receives a few internal memos everyday, but it’s usually stupid shit like cafeteria menu changes, office supply bandits, and “stop stealing my lunch out of the fridge” type of stuff.

But the last flurry has been hardcore… in the past few days alone, hefty memos from Worldcom, Lucent, Cnet, Digex, Accenture, Excite, 3com, Verio, Hewlett Packard, Dell, and more… heed this warning people.

Run for the hills.



Remember folks, you heard it here, erm, second.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020629

Time
12:11
We do have some cheery news this morning. The latest Can Weblogs..? project just enjoyed its first big win. The target site is currently top (or top 5) result for almost every target search query. And it only took two days to achieve. And it only took the support of two weblogs.

If you’re into SEO and not researching weblogs right now, you need your head examined by a professional.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020629

Time
12:20
Hang on… it’s Saturday! I’m not supposed to be working…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020630
Babies, Etc.
Time
09:05
Ladies and gentlemen, baby Josie’s first word has arrived, and that word is….

“Dad”

Or more, to the point, “Dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad”.



I know mothers can be very sensitive about things like this, so I would just like to close by saying:

VICTORY! VICTORY IS MINE!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAA!!!!

(/me closes by doing a small dance and shuffle, then pops out for more nappy bags)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020601

Time
09:48
The gifted visionary who was behind the worst Eurovision entry of the year (possibly of all time) has threatened to sue after accusing producers of sabotaging his performance. He claims that bad sound mixing, not bad singing, was to blame.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020602

Time
11:52
Many thanks go to DVD Fever for their support of our Get Alex Moving campaign. You can check out their main site here or their Big Brother section here.

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Date
20020605

Time
09:15
It had to happen – worldcupblog.org is here. I’ve got a collection of World Cup ‘virals’ that have been festering away in my Inbox for a few weeks now. Perhaps I should bite the bullet and lay them all out on one page. Or not. After all, we already know who’s going to win.

By the way, do you mind if I say something offensive?

“SOCCER! It’s called SOCCER!”

Thanks.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020605

Time
09:23
Loose Lips Sink Ships: Then and Now.

The highly secretive National Security Agency has gone public with an advertising campaign urging members of the military to protect information that might be of use to terrorists.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020605

Time
09:36
Further indications that Google is turning to the dark side. This time: censorship.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020605

Time
09:43
Evel Knievel is back and ready, we assume, to jump into his own grave.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020605

Time
09:52
Spare a thought today for James Russell who, while rummaging in his pockets for money to pay an overdue parking ticket, dropped a small bag of marijuana. A subsequent search by a passing police officer turned up 46 packets of crack cocaine.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020605
Cat Lovers Inc.
Time
09:58
A singing kitty with a hole within his soul. Not where I’d put it…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020605
Latest Viral Agents
Time
10:00
Dancing Paul, which was re-invented as The Stereo MP’s for MTV (and was, to be fair, the biggest viral agent of last year’s general election) has now been hastily recycled for the Jubilee. When you’re onto a good thing…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020605
Big Brother 3
Time
12:48
We were there on Friday to see Lynne evicted. Find out what it’s like to be in the Big Brother audience here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020605

Time
19:25
Newsflash: Posh Spice is rubbish.

Well, duh.

BTW, it was reported by Popbitch that Posh wouldn’t be dropped from her label until after the World Cup, but it seems that this report itself has had an effect on the timing of the announcement. There’s a word for this that escapes me. There’s also a few thousand words that escape Victoria, but I’m sure she’ll make do with some choice four-letter selections.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020606

Time
09:04
Wyclef Jean of the Fugees was among those arrested in New York City on Tuesday at a rally protesting proposed cuts in the city’s educational system. Jean, 32, said he wanted to ‘speak on behalf of the kids’ who, presumably, have a core message of ‘one time, one time’.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020606

Time
09:14
There’s an old joke about a college graduate who starts work at McDonalds as a trainee manager and wax cup supervisor. On his first day, the manager gives him a mop and instructs him to clean the floor.

“Excuse me,” he protests, “I’m a college graduate!”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the manager, “Let me show you how to use the mop.”

If you’re not too overcome with laughter, perhaps you’d like to pause and compare the above article with this version. The only difference between them is that one can be found with an internal search engine and the other can’t. Find out why.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020606

Time
10:22
Swimmers are being warned to stay away from a “sexually aggressive” dolphin that has made its home at a popular tourist resort on the English south coast. Of course, if you do want to get this close to nature, you might want to read this classic FAQ first.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020606

Time
10:25
A Milwaukee man poured gasoline on his clothes, set them on fire and jumped into Lake Michigan to douse the flames in a Jackass-style stunt. Too bad his mate’s video camera ran out of battery power at the critical moment.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020606
There Is No God
Time
10:30
An Australian man, one Mr Joey McNicol, is being sued by a spamming outift because he complained and the company was blacklisted as a result. The claim is for $20,000 ‘to compensate for the 20 days of lost income while awaiting a new internet connection’. The obscenity of this claim astounds me, but at least I can take action.

In other news, the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that computer-generated images of minors engaged in sexual acts are not illegal and are in fact protected by the First Amendment.

My, it is turning out to be a good day.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020606
Big Brother 3
Time
12:35
More Big Brother links than you can poke a stick at.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020606

Time
12:54
The betting pool to end all betting pools. Quite literally, I fear…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020606

Time
15:19
How’s this for a weblog title?

The never-ending ever-lasting party in my pants.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020606

Time
15:32
The chap in charge of an enormous electronic document archive has died. Administrators have since made a public appeal for help from hackers, as he took many of the core passwords to the grave.

See? You can take it with you…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020606

Time
16:53
Make your own South Park character. This is me. Notice the crow’s feet and bags resulting from overexposure to computer monitors.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020607

Time
11:05
The Sun seems mystified by the sudden run on bets that Alison is for the chop. Have they not heard of Popbitch, then?

(For those who came in late: Popbitch yesterday announced the following on their front page and in their widely-received weekly mailout: “Expect a massive hatchet job on Alison in tonights Big Brother. The producers, who are very proud of their new £1.2m set, are increasingly worried by the hyperactive heavyweight’s destructive properties.” The rest of this entertaining scoop is here. Enjoy.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020607
Another Reason To Hate Pop-ups
Time
11:29
I don’t know about you, but I’m a ‘hunter and pecker’, so I watch the keyboard more than I do the screen – and I hate it when I’m typing text into a data field on a web page, only to look up and discover that my typing has been interrupted halfway through because some pop-up has thoughtfully made itself the main browser window. All pop-ups must die.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020607

Time
11:42
Yasser Arafat’s bed bombed. Goes on to win Turner Prize. Etc.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020607

Time
13:28
I’m sitting in the middle of a very empty office right now. Apparently there’s some kind of football game on at the moment. Everybody seems terribly excited, but then, football isn’t everything.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020607

Time
14:08
Who doesn’t need a naked Hitler doll with moveable hands?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020607

Time
14:09
No, I don’t get it, either…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020607
Flash Games
Time
14:26
Play Alien Attack

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020607

Time
15:28
I know, I know, it’s sooooooooo last Tuesday – but if you have even a passing interest in Penthouse’s recent Anna Kournikova stuff-up, then you can’t afford to miss this great article and *ahem* pictorial.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020607

Time
15:38
A personality test that’s destined for weblog greatness.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020609
Mustard Man II
Time
09:03
Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to announce that we can now, at last, finally and once and for all, reveal the true identity of Mustard Man. Be prepared for a feeling of mild surprise.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020610

Time
10:32
I was at the xcom2002 event yesterday. I met some interesting people, and enjoyed some first-time facetime with people I’d previously only known online. Highlights? The free badges they were giving away emblazoned with the messages ‘Steal Music’ and ‘Steal Content’, erm, on a table right next to the security guard whose job it was to ensure that you paid your £3 to get in.

I really wish I’d worn a suit, though. Then I really would have stood out as an establishment figure.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020610

Time
12:08
God has a blog but, typically, has already tired of the affair and wants to give it up so he can get back to work on version 1.7 of the Platypus.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020610

Time
12:10
Arnold Schwarzenegger has his say on who would win in a battle between a vampire and a werewolf. It’s good to see Hollywood movie stars are finally speaking out on important social issues.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020610

Time
12:13
Tony Blair lives in a dump.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020610

Time
12:26
10 Ways My Dog is Capable of Advanced Logic.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020610

Time
12:30
Get your stinking paws off my mobile you damn dirty ape! Police in London are hunting a chimpanzee after it broke into a house and stole a mobile phone.

Of course, this kind of thing happens all the time.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020610
Flash Movies
Time
15:00
This series of traffic lessons is the funniest and best-presented flash offering I’ve seen in a long, long, time. If you steal one link from my blog today, make it this one.

Damn it, it’s so good, I do believe I’ll blog it twice!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020610
Flash Movies
Time
15:03
This series of traffic lessons is the funniest and best-presented flash offering I’ve seen in a long, long, time. If you steal one link from my blog today, make it this one.

Damn it, it’s so good, I do believe I’ll blog it twice!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020611

Time
09:47
A growing collection of unresolved endings.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020611

Time
09:49
Attention women! We men have a few rules of our own. (Erm, if that’s OK with you…)

Rule 1: Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Etc…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020611
Ebay Weirdness
Time
10:00
Some bright spark on ebay is asking for you to pay for his wife’s boob job. In return, you get to cop a feel. The link to the auction is here, but the spoilsports at ebay don’t want people who aren’t from the US viewing ‘Adult’ auctions (I suspect this is a government-funded initiative to reduce the ‘only in America’ effect). The auction is also likely to be withdrawn. Not to worry. Cruel.com has it mirrored.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020611

Time
10:11
Can somebody please drop by cyberskiving.co.uk and tell them that they need a ‘weblog’ category? Thanks.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020611

Time
10:27
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you the first overtly commercial personality quiz. Too bad they forgot to include the basic component that makes these things spread so fast (i.e. the ‘cut and paste’ graphic and/or text link code normally presented with the results). Kind of like this one (that’s far from a perfect example, but is currently riding high on Blogdex):

“I act like I’m 18. This test was brought to you by Mel – She’ll bite you ;o). Take it here.”

So that’s Blaggers:0 Bloggers:1

Next!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020611

Time
11:40
Listen to the Homer MP3 that Fox does not want you to hear. Save a copy to your hard drive for future generations to enjoy.

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Date
20020611

Time
14:15
We reported last Thursday that administrators an enormous electronic document asked for help from hackers, because the primary archivist died and took his password with him. The problem was solved within 5 hours of their appeal being released. As it turns out, it was cracked, not hacked. The password was the dead gentlemen’s name, with the letters cunningly rearranged back to front…

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Date
20020612

Time
05:26

This is going to be a very strange blog today, and I apologise for that, but after putting up with years of bullshit from South West Trains, and after what happened last night, I really feel that I must speak out.

It began, as most of my travel adventures have in the past, at Waterloo Station. I arrived in plenty of time to catch the 9:20 but, sadly, it had been announced on the boards as being ‘expected at 9:45’.

A multitude of passengers waited, staring hopefully at the electronic board.

About 20 minutes later, as a seasoned passenger of SWT, I asked why a number of platforms had been confirmed ahead of ours, when our train was listed as due (at 9:45, but the time had been and gone without advice).

“Well, as late as it is, it is confirmed for Platform 9″ came the quiet response from the man manning the ‘information’ desk, “But of course, I can’t confirm that…”

This triggered something inside me. Nothing big, but enough to make me do what an Australian will do ahead of a typical Englishman. No, I didn’t whinge selfishly; I simply spoke up in a loud voice to the majority who were waiting for the same train (and staring hopefully, if you remember, at the electronic board).

“This” I intoned, with as much senatorial control as I could muster, “is typical of how bad this situation is!

“The train is now over half an hour late – and nobody is complaining! And do you know what? Everybody here is hoping that you won’t complain!”

I went on to give a very loud, and I would think quite lucid, account of why privatisation of public transport doesn’t work. A local drunk helpfully chipped in by adding “England!!! England!!”, which pleased the SWT Trains bods no end. It gave them the perfect excuse to pack up and leave.

Yes, they actually lifted the entire information desk and shuffled away with it. I shit you not.

But this (my faithful friends who are actually reading the entirety of this text) is just the beginning. The rot goes much deeper than this, as you’re soon about to find out…

The platform was announced, finally, as Platform 9. I had to shake the drunk off my shoe to get there, but get there I did.

I arrived just in time to see our train – formed of the front four coaches only – arriving. The multitude or former electronic board watchers herded onto this train.

The only SWT staff member who was semi-helpful on this journey pointed out that the subsequent express (also running late) was arriving on the opposite side of the platform.

Not surprisingly, I opted for this eight-carriage train instead of the other (which by now was already standing-room only)..

The journey was uneventful.

I did, however, arrive at my destination a mere minute after my connecting bus – the final service for the night – had left.

I headed straight for the Station Manager’s office and pointed out that it was due to South West Trains’ failure to provide the scheduled service as promised that I was now facing a 3 mile walk home in the rain.

Here’s where the fun begins…

All I wanted was a cab. A simple service, and provided for under the meagre charter that allows for delays over an hour or more. A cost of six quid, to be precise.

He informed me that he was not responsible for buses.

I informed him that he was responsible for trains, and from about then on, he ignored me.

The discussion collapsed irretrievably when he shut the office door in my face.

So, here I was with an unexpected cab fare home that I couldn’t pay for (due to an un-cleared cheque that is a matter for later blog-whinges regarding banks and their archaic ‘7 day clearance’ system in this modern age of instant email and what-not) and a corporation that, rightfully, owed me at least a single fare refund. This single fare refund amounted to pretty much the cost of my cab fare (if you remember, about 6 quid) so, as it was raining quite heavily, I tried to reason with him as a human being.

Big mistake.

Mr Tiddles, as the Station Manager shall be known from this point forward, took great offence at the suggestion that he should be called to authorise such an extravagant expenditure.

His solution was to call ‘the police’.

Now, when an SWT stationmaster calls the police on you, there’s something you should be aware of. When he refers to ‘ the police’, he is, in fact, referring to the Transport Police.

Here’s where it gets even more interesting…

This ‘policeman’ turned up, as if by magic, at about the time when I felt compelled to stage an impromptu sit-in by blocking the doors of (yet another) late train.

I even drew up a sign, being the stubborn little fucker I can be forced to be occasionally, reading:

THIS IS AN OFFICIAL PROTEST

SOUTH WEST TRAINS DID NOT PROVIDE ME WITH THE SERVICE THAT WAS PROMISED AND WILL NOT HEAR MY COMPLAINT

This ‘policeman’ turned up as yet another drunk turned up to take my side. Perhaps God sends these people but, God – if you’re listening – I can do without it.

Ho hum.

Anyways, I stood well clear as the ‘policeman’ cleared this chap from our lives, as in his current state he was no more than an unwelcome distraction.

So, here I am, waiting patiently for the ‘policeman’ to address me.

I explained the situation in some detail, and here – critically – time gets fuzzy.

What it all boiled down to, after roughly thirty minutes of discussion, was that he insisted that he was “merely a keeper of the Queen’s peace”.

Please remember this, as there will be a test later…

At the close of our long, long discussion (during which, I was constantly worried that he had better things to do) I pointed out that the Station Manager held the solution to the problem – not me – and not me – had best take it up with him.

I was certainly not going to endure an hour’s walk home in the pouring rain because SWT had fucked up, and if the Queen’s peace was at stake, then the only resolution lay in the hands of the Station Manager because I was in the right and, subsequently, an immovable object.

It was about this time he pointed out that, as a member of the Transport Police, he was – in effect – employed by South West Trains as part of their security force.

This is the bit where I failed to absorb important information. I take full responsibility for that. I was thrown off by the fact that he had a radio, black uniform and bobby hat like What Those On The Bill wear.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

He went off to ‘meet’ with the manager in what looked to be a small office on the far end of the station. I waited 5 minutes, 10, then close to 20…

Then a woman in her late 30’s turned up. She was quite distressed, because a late train had resulted in her missing the last bus (sound familiar?).

I was a prick.

I was so intent on using her to support my cause, that I didn’t see the full scope of her problem.

I asked her to stay where she was while I tracked down the officer from the Transport Police and/or the Station Manager.

I went to the small office they appeared to have disappeared into, knocked politely, and announced: “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I have someone here with exactly the same problem as I have. You may as well deal with both of us.”

No answer.

The woman was getting more and more agitated, so I headed back towards her.

She informed me that she now she had a lift, but she would hang around for ‘a few minutes’ while I tried to sort this out.

I went back and knocked at the door again, but as I looked back, I noticed something particularly strange about the manner of the man who was obviously her promised lift. It’s hard to describe, but he seemed a little too insistent, if you know what I mean. When he saw me looking, he backed off again.

Suddenly, my priorities had (finally) changed. I walked across to the woman, and ensured her she would be able to get a cab. Even though I couldn’t afford it, the last thing I wanted to do was let her go off with this man. She seemed so desperate to get home, but I was looking less and less like a sure bet as the station staff ignored me and/or disappeared into the woodwork as I asked about the whereabouts of the Station Manager.

In the end, she opted to go with the stranger. I did not feel comfortable about this at all. If he’d stepped forward at any time I might have been OK about it, but he seemed so intent on orbiting this distressed woman until she was alone that he made me very suspicious.

I looked toward the small office once more, but she had gone. I chased after her. The stranger was ushering her toward the road near the station.

Say what you like about my paranoia, but by now all sorts of alarm bells were ringing in my head. It didn’t seem right at all.

I ran back into the station (about 12 steps, not a big run) and pointed out what was happening and the possible – if unlikely – ramifications. The staff, bolstered as they were by my status as a troublemaker, ignored me.

I was dumbfounded.

I asked the eight men present (that’s eight of the fuckers) if they were going to let this woman walk away with a stranger.

“Not our problem” said the fat bastard who claimed to be ‘just a cleaner’ (who from now on shall be known as the ‘Fat Bastard Cleaner’).

Of course, at this time, I still had a vague notion that there was a real policeman somewhere nearby – so I this time I *hammered* at the door the member of the Transport Police and Station Manager had seemingly disappeared into.

No answer.

I rushed back out to the front door just in time to see the woman being rushed/ushered out of sight.

Yes, I will admit at this stage that consensual sex between two strangers happens from time to time, but this woman hadn’t been out clubbing all night – she’d just arrived on a train from work. And the surreptitious way in which this woman was spirited from the station made me feel very, very uncomfortable.

So uncomfortable, in fact, that I felt compelled to call 999.

Too far away to give chase (after being under the illusion for so long that a police officer was in attendance) I did so.

It was quite reassuring, after all of the negative and/or ‘who gives a damn’ attitude I had experienced on the platform to hear someone on the other end of the line who actually responded with a reasonable amount of care.

Real policemen were on the way, and by the time I had made it back to the platform it had finally sunk in that Mr Tiddles the Station Manager and the officer of the Transport Police had (instead of making their way into an office) actually disappeared from the station via a nearby set of doors.

I informed the remaining staff of my concerns and told them that police were on the way. Much hilarity ensued. I pressured them again and again as a concerned commuter to reveal the whereabouts of the Station Manager. Hell, I even tried to appeal to them as fellow human beings.

Again, a big mistake.

Fat Bastard Cleaner threatened me with physical violence at least twice. Another gangly git from the security team (hereby known as ‘The Gangly Git From Security’) not only refused to give his name, but even the name of the company he worked for.

“Right,” I said, “Let’s ignore the last hour or so. As a concerned commuter, I want to contact the Station Manager, and I want to do so now”

The Gangly Git From Security responded with; “Nobody orders me around, mate!”

No help from staff, no management in sight, and no police. Yet.

In desperation, I picked up the same phone Mr Tiddles had used to call the Transport Police. I figured anything was better than nothing. I informed them of the situation, they informed me there was nothing that they could do. Hooray!

So I asked about the previous call-out to get the real name of the ‘policeman’ who had attended the original call (he had reluctantly given his name as ‘White’ or ‘Whyce’ before swiftly changing the subject).

They informed me that no such call-out was made. I asked them to widen their time-frame and/or check if there were officers on duty at the time. After a muffled pause, they claimed to have no record.

The real police arrived at this time, and were Perfectly Reasonable. They listened to what I had to say, and did their best to take action.

They interviewed me, and the staff that were present. Acknowledging the possible gravity of this situation, they requested access to CCTV footage.

Miraculously, Mr Tiddles turned up about 5 minutes after this formal request. He gave his version of the story – at least, the bits he was there for – and was quick to point out that I had wrongly claimed a refund because my train was only 13 minutes late. (If you remember, I had caught the alternative train – so technically he was correct. Score one for Mr Tiddles.)

Mr Tiddles wisely gestured Fat Bastard Cleaner away, but The Gangly Git From Security had already mouthed off once, and was determined to do so again. I’ll leave his description of me to your imagination. You know enough swear words already.

So why all this fuss? What’s my problem?

My problem is that, at the end of the day, these goddamn jobsworths were so intent on protecting themselves and defeating one problematic commuter that they ignored what may have been a much larger problem.

I’m praying it wasn’t.

I also have a slight problem with the fact that South West Trains have their own goddamn Gestapo who obviously act in the company’s interest whilst strutting about in a policeman’s uniform that amounts to little more than a stage costume.

But then, that’s just me…

UPDATE – She’s OK folks! I’d given the woman in question one of my business cards when we first met, and she got in touch. She was most appreciative of the effort I made and the concern I showed, and described me as ‘the only gentleman on the platform’.

Guess what? The guy who offered to get her home didn’t have a car. He did, however, offer to walk her through Guildford. It was when he then wanted to go via a dark underpass rather than the High Street that she became fully creeped out and simply walked away from him.

The distance to her home was over 2 miles. It’s at this stage that I should probably mention how old she is. 50.

Charming, isn’t it? Because of the inaction of South West Trains staff, this 50 year old woman was walking through Guildford, alone, about an hour after chucking out time. Happily, she had a key for her mother’s house, which happened to be on the far side of Guildford. She made it there safely, let herself in quietly, and stayed the night.

I gave her the names of the (real) police officers that I spoke to, so by now she would have been in touch to let them know that she is OK and given her account of the incident.

Now all that remains is to make South West Trains answerable for the disgraceful behaviour of their staff. That starts, but doesn’t end, with this web page.

Thanks for your time.

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Date
20020612

Time
15:57
Due to the incredible amount of support for today’s blog and some subsequent media interest, it has been mirrored at https://www.bloggerheads.com/swt.asp. If you wish to link to this article, please use this URL instead of linking to the front page, which will updated with the usual bloggage by this time tomorrow.

Thanks.

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Date
20020613

Time
07:42
RB wrote in with a few points:

“I have just had read your SWT article and would like to clarify a couple of points for you (I do not work for SWT, and I do not like SWT services!)… British Transport Police are a special police force who cover the whole of the British Isles and who have different divisions around the country… BTP are NOT security guards for SWT nor any other Train Operating Companies, they are there to keep the peace and to arrest anybody who has committed a criminal offence against railway property.”

Here I should point out that, while the BTP do not work directly for SWT, they are funded fully by the industry, primarily the train operating companies, who contribute 50% (with Railtrack contributing 30% and London Underground 20%). I’m sure you can guess where their priorities lie.

Mr Alex Robertson, the Chairman of the British Transport Police Federation, said the following at their annual conference on 17 April, 2002 (a full transcript is here):

“Turning now to the Force itself, the BTP remains saddled with being funded by the Train Operating Companies. In turn they are driven by commercial priorities in the very difficult market of railway transportation.”

Having a privatised railway system is bad enough, but a privatised police force? It boggles the mind!

Many other folks have written in with positive feedback – thanks, everybody – but I’m still to hear from Andrew Haines (Managing Director of South West Trains) who I emailed at about 5:30am yesterday morning. Andrew and I have had words in the past, both friendly and otherwise. I can only hope he hasn’t had time to return my email because he’s too busy kicking arse.

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Date
20020613
Unintentional Googlebombing
Time
13:29
(Hooray – something that’s not about South West Trains!)

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m heavily involved in online marketing and search engine optimisation. I was quite amused to be informed on Tuesday evening that the search result that gets the most traffic into UKNM (an online marketing mailing list to which I contribute regularly) is ‘simspons porn’.

UKNM turns up somewhere around No. 4 for this search query, and has done so for some time.

Why?

Because I included an example of an automated keyword spamming function in this post way back in Dec 2000. The link popularity of UKNM does the rest.

An interesting turn of events, but not something I can show potential clients.

Well, not all of them…

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Date
20020613
Photoshopping
Time
14:43
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the front page of today’s Mirror. You can see a larger version of this here (or, if you’re reading the archives, you might want to go here instead).

A tabloid has yet again ripped off the work of a Photoshopping artist and used it for their own benefit without so much as a name check, much less any kind of compensation.

What is it with journalists who assume that if it arrived by email or came from that dark mysterious thing known as ‘The Web’ that it must be free?

They did this same thing with the Harry Pothead picture and the Queen Mum Yoda mix. Such works, being transformative as they are, are covered under ‘fair use’ in that they have created a new work from old images. This new work is covered by copyright – copyright that the Mirror has violated by reprinting the work without permission. On the front bloody page!

All the redtops know that the front page is what sells the paper, so if I were the artist involved, I would stick it to them for a massive fee.

Bloggerheads Says: Come on you slack bastards. You’re supposed to be journalists. Do your research. Find the original artist and get in touch, instead of using their work without permission!!!

UPDATE – I just called the picture desk at The Mirror. I pointed out that the front page image was missing a picture credit and asked where it came from.

“Reuters” said he, “it was released two weeks ago on the Reuters network, and that’s the image we’ve used”

“No it isn’t,” I replied, “This is a new work by a Photoshopping artist that’s protected under fair use.”

“No it isn’t,” he retorted, “It’s the same picture with artwork on it!”

“Can I quote you on that?” I asked.

“And who are you?” he smarmed.

“I’m a photoshopping art..*click*

Cheeky bugger. Shows how much they care for our opinion, doesn’t it? Make some noise if you want; they won’t listen to me:

http://www.mirror.co.uk/contactus/

UPDATE 2 – A reader from Belgium writes:

“The picture of the daily mirror has been published the first time on a belgian newsgroup called “kotnet.absurd”, this newsgroup is a private newsgroup of the university of Leuven. It was posted by “De Phanne” on Sat, 8 Jun 2002 13:05:50 +0200 (with the) Topic: “Re: waar is de tijd dat voetballers echte mannen waren?”,

It was also this student who created the image.”

There. That took me less than two hours to find out. The Mirror had over two days, but didn’t bother. Why not? Are we not worth bothering with?

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Date
20020613

Time
17:18
An Oslo man was fined after threatening to sexually violate a mailman or anyone else delivering unwanted advertising to his mailbox. It seems the standard ‘no advertising’ sticker had little or no effect, so he decided to spice his up a bit.

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Date
20020614

Time
21:31
I’ve just had to travel all the way to Hull and back to discuss laxatives. I’d consider this to be particularly ironic considering the amount of shit I’ve had to put up with this week.

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Date
20020614
Mustard Man II
Time
21:43
The word is spreading, right back to where it ‘began’.

Muchmusic is encouraging their viewers to take Mustard Man as a date to their MuchMusic Video Awards:

And if you need a date for the MMVAs, look no further – Mustard Man has been revealed! You may have heard me mention him on MOD. This is your chance to ask out the one and only “Mike ‘Nug’ Nahrgang.”

Get to it, girls. He is, after all, only one man. (Erm, but with his mate Peeps, he’s two…)

Mind, it’d be nice if Muchmusic put on a limo and maybe a nice dinner…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020516

Time
07:46
The inventor of sliced bread didn’t get rich – or famous. His name was Otto Rohwedder.

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Date
20020516

Time
07:49
More on US ‘intelligence’. They knew that pesky Osama was up to something involved with planes…

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Date
20020516

Time
07:52
Meet Momo. It’ll only take a minute.

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Date
20020516

Time
07:53
I want my religion to be on this list by the same time next year. A mass suicide oughta do it. Any volunteers?

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Date
20020516

Time
08:02
A woman called in the bomb squad after discovering a mysterious object that had been left in her mailbox. She thought it was a pipe bomb. Nope, it was a pipe bong.

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Date
20020516

Time
08:06
Ricky Martin and Britney Spears look-alikes beware – the Baptists are coming after you!

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Date
20020516

Time
08:08
Copy-protected CDs can be ‘fixed’ with marker pens and electrical tape. Never underestimate the ingenuity of the average cheapskate.

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Date
20020516
Viral Marketing
Time
08:11
It had to happen. After several miserable attempts to invent fake people that love their products, corporations are now inventing fake people that hate ther competitor’s.

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Date
20020516

Time
08:15
Here’s one thing you probably didn’t know about Coca Cola, and here’s another.

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Date
20020516

Time
08:21
I hope you appreciate that I woke up early just to please you guys. Now I gotta go to London. I’ll try to bring back something nice.

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Date
20020516
Star Wars Watch
Time
20:47
Just seen it – and, yes, there are dialogue moments somewhat akin to the Ep IV auditions I’m sure you’ve all seen – BUT – it is worth watching (and then some). Yes, the Yoda fight scene will take you by surprise. Yes, you can take your kids to see it. I will. Cheers all.

PS – Once Were Bounty Hunters (coming soon)

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Date
20020517

Time
08:34
“If you are a Mormon male, and if you more-or-less discreetly marry as many females as you possibly can without going to jail, and if you keep them all pregnant from the ages of 12 to 50 (the ideal Mormoness never touches a Tampax in her whole terrestrial life), and if you persuade your vast armies of spawn to join the church, and if you teach these new members to tithe – then, upon death, you will become a Mormon god yourself, and be furnished with your own planet, and a harem of numberless wives.”

Damn, I knew I forgot something when I was drafting my religion – sex. Oh well, perhaps if I can discreetly tack porn onto the outer flanges, no-one will notice. Ho-hum. Anyways, cynics will enjoy this fine opinion piece over at nthposition.com

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Date
20020517

Time
08:58
The top ten worst sequels of all time.

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Date
20020517

Time
09:08
“Well, fortunately small boys are springy and elastic.” – Willy Wonka

Sex scandal rocks Wonka factory.

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Date
20020517

Time
09:11
Private Eye readers will already be familiar with this issue: Tony Blair has defended Labour’s decision to take money from Richard ‘I don’t do dutch’ Desmond.

Why is this a big deal? Well, Richard Desmond is the media magnate behind OK! magazine, the Express newspaper, erm, and a few spicier titles including Nude Wives, Asian Babes and the new mag – which WH Smith surprisingly refused to stock – Spunk Loving Sluts.

Next time you catch your Mum reading OK! magazine, ask her if she’s read any of its sister publications.

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Date
20020517

Time
10:42
I do apologise, but this image is only funny if you’ve seen Star Wars Ep II and this fine film.

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Date
20020517

Time
11:27
“Jeff had agreed to let us build a life-size Millennium Falcon in his backyard. We told him it would only take us a month to build and tear down. I don’t think he fully realized how much of his yard a full size falcon would take up. After all, the falcon was over 40 feet wide and 12 feet tall.”

Yes, they actually did it. Kind of. Now I want one.

I’m sorry, I don’t think you heard me…

I want one!

I want one!

I want one!

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Date
20020517

Time
12:41
Well, how about that. We’re No. 3 for the search query ‘porn report’.

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Date
20020517

Time
12:43
Finally, a waste-free watermelon.

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Date
20020517
Videos, Etc.
Time
12:51
Free Porn!

“This movie requires Quicktime. If you don’t have Quicktime, invent your own video compression format and design the appropriate conversion algorithms.”

Hehehe. Love it.

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Date
20020517

Time
13:09
Want to cross swords with Mastercard? Simply put together your own collection of ‘priceless’ pics like this one over at osrm.net. Mastercard are getting smarter about this (kind of). Instead of going to the webmaster, they take their complaint straight to the hosting firm (who usually caves in immediately). It’s called ‘fair use’, Mastercard. Deal with it.

(BTW, if you’ve got some thoughts on the matter, drop into the Orsm Forum and speak your mind.)

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Date
20020517
Games
Time
15:37
“Claire (from Steps) wasn’t getting very far with her yoga meditation. She’d got the posture right and had had no trouble clearing her mind of any thought – but nothing happened until H (erm, from Steps) came up with a fantastic idea. He whipped out his alpenhorn and now together they can reach enlightenment.”

Yet another inexplicably addictive game from b3ta.com.

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Date
20020517

Time
16:05
Tee-hee. Reknowned know-all Ann Landers falls for an urban legend.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520
Tiscali 10.0
Time
08:52
I hate the new Tiscali commercial. Hate it with a vengeance, I does. Happy third world children gambol in the surf, for life has been made worth living thanks to an ISP catering to ignorant westerners who wouldn’t know their URL from their elbow. As with those warm and fuzzy bank ads that we all know and love, it’s a fair bet that a brand that goes purely for emotional appeal has very little to offer in the way of reality – but perhaps I’m being unfair. After all, Tiscali’s browser is 10.0 (compared with AOL, who can only manage a mere 7). Yeah, and my volume knobs go all the way to ‘11’.

Tiscali’s new browser is based on Ultrabrowser 6.0, BTW. About the only practical difference between this and other browsers is a few buttons that point you in the direction of default applications (or ‘carefully chosen partners’) and the ability to access your bookmarks remotely. I prefer this version, myself.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520

Time
09:12
Never mind the coffee, watch out for the burgers. A woman in the US claims a Wendy’s chicken sandwich “exploded” onto her face and hands and caused severe burns.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520
Christianity Watch
Time
09:15
Punks and Skins for Christ is here ‘to proclaim the Good News of Jesus Christ’!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520
Get A Head
Time
09:20
A South African police sting operation has bagged a murderer and the human head he was trying to sell.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520

Time
09:26
Did you ever wonder what it would be like to pop a water balloon in space?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520
Star Wars Watch
Time
09:28
Empire Good. Republic Bad.

Well, at least they make the space freighters run on time.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520

Time
09:44
Leonardo da Vinci – what a weirdo.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520

Time
09:51
How to convince women to take their clothes off in front of a camera.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520
Latest Viral Agent
Time
11:09
I’m happy to plug this fabulous game promoting The Time Machine.

This is a simple, playable flash game with real retro appeal (think ‘Pitfall’ with Morlocks). An X-Box is up for grabs for the fastest time and everybody can enter a draw for a one year cinema pass. Good mechanism. Applause for the creators who will no doubt track down this link.

(Hi guys, BTW!)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520

Time
12:46
“From the summer of 2002, Nominet is planning to expand the reply message returned by the WHOIS. This will include the name and address of the Registrant, as well as the date on which the domain name falls due for renewal.”

Well, thanks, you cheeky fuckers, just what I need! A change in your service that gets my home address published – without my consent. Nominet is giving Tag Holders a ‘three-month period before the WHOIS goes live’, but judging by how long it took to get .co.uk certificate at the peak of their activity, I don’t think that they can even hope to successfully process this massive exchange of information inside 3 months if, and I say if, they get this cockamamie scheme off the ground in the first place.

I’m as mad as hell about this, and you should be too. Take action.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520

Time
12:50
The top 100 video game engrish of all time. Be warned that there’s a screenshot for every example, so she’s a big download.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520
Viral Marketing
Time
13:03
Re: Spiderman

Compare this offical offering with this simple exploitation of current weblog trends. Which do you think will get the most direct referrals? Thought so…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020520

Time
13:14
Britney gets drunk and goes looking for a little action. Wow, could she actually be human?

Also from the ever-reliable National Enquirer this week – Bill Clinton’s love child.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521

Time
08:13
The most entertaining ebay auction in weeks and I missed it. Oh well, at least we can look back and laugh…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521

Time
08:14
A Greenpeace boat collided with France’s America’s Cup yacht during a protest against the team’s nuclear energy sponsors.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521

Time
08:17
It doesn’t get any bigger than this.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521

Time
08:20
This is an excellent article on the subject of sites like CIA for Kids.

Non-coders/designers should look away…. now!

(Take a look at the front page, BTW, and see just how seriously the CIA takes their ALT Text…)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521

Time
09:07
Dell is using prison labour in its PC recycling scheme.

The reactions over at Fark can only be described as typical.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521
Star Wars Watch
Time
09:19
Lucas is under fire over racial stereotypes. Again.

Oh, and this (ahem) thoughtful and balanced piece appeared in yesterday’s Guardian.

Oh, and a couple in the US were arrested last Thursday. They went out to see the premiere, and left their 2-year-old hearing and speech-impaired child at home. Alone. They got back home at about 2:45 am, and didn’t realise until the police dropped by about half-an-hour later that their child was missing (he had been taken into protective custody just after midnight).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521

Time
10:46
The 15 Finest Moments from The X-Files

WARNING: This article is peppered with spoilers that appear with little or no warning. If you haven’t seen the last episode yet (and want to enjoy it), then go somewhere else – like maybe this competition that asks you to submit a plot synopsis for the next X-Files movie.

(So it’s true. Hollywood has run out of ideas…)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521

Time
11:05
Here’s a little Pro Life document for you to ponder over. Which do you find more disturbing – the graphic content or the child-like scribble?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521

Time
11:24
The guy they based ‘Crocodile’ Dundee on was a speed-freak. Oh, and his girlfriend is a right nutter.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521

Time
14:22
In case you missed yesterday’s blog, here’s a link you don’t want to miss if you own a .co.uk or .org.uk domain name.

“From the summer of 2002, Nominet is planning to expand the reply message returned by the WHOIS. This will include the name and address of the Registrant, as well as the date on which the domain name falls due for renewal.”

You can take action here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521
Lego Geekage
Time
14:30
I’m already on the case with the SW Ep II vehicles. First was a vast improvement on Lego’s official (and rather boring) Jedi Starfighter. I’ll have a full set of images live at lugjam in a few days.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521

Time
15:14
Take a look at this close-up JPEG of the DVD cover for M*A*S*H – Season Two. Is that not the worst example of photoshopping you’ve ever seen in your life? I know that images of Hawkeye saluting are kind of thin on the ground, but sheesh!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521

Time
17:17
Yes, I’ve seen the bald chicken. It’s been all over B3ta today, and has its very own Photoshopping thread over at Fark. I even submitted an entry. So, yes, I’ve seen it.

No, really, I have seen it. No more emails, please.

Look, I just told you, I’ve seen it, OK?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020521

Time
17:23
Read about the boy who was attacked for making a mistake when playing badminton. Now the poor little sod can’t function without an artificial anus. I know that sounds like a joke, but it isn’t.

(Boy, howdy, they sure did tear him a new asshole.)

That, that was a joke.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020522
Mustard Man II
Time
06:23
(DAY, ERM….)

I’m really starting to develop a dislike for the production team over at muchmusic. After over a month without a reply regarding Mustard Man, now they have the cheek to feature my site without so much as a single notification email. It’s called courtesy, you cheeky buggers. Try it sometime.

(Oh, Mustard Man will be revealed soon, gang. We’re just ironing out some of the finer details.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020522

Time
06:31
Oh, dear God! The’re actually going to remake Logan’s Run! If you’re not familiar with the movie (or TV series), quietly count your blessings then check out The Highly Unofficial Logan’s Run FAQ or the City Of Domes site (the latter contains many, many tragic images for you to enjoy).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020522

Time
06:42
This isn’t the first time this kind of thing has happened, and it won’t be the last. The little town of Bensalem forgot to pay its bill and bensalemtownship.org has now fallen into the hands of a pornographer. Apparently, this is most outrageous thing to happen in the town “since they found the spanking tables at the ‘House of Pain’ in Andalusia back in 1994”.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020522

Time
06:52
OK, I’m off to do the London Thing today. And tomorrow. And the day after that, etc. etc. etc.

I’ll let you know how the whole thing goes, but I’ll try not to rant about the crap service of South West Trains every day.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020522

Time
10:43
British troops in Afghanistan were furious yesterday after learning they are to be entertained by 20st Pop Idol reject Rik Waller. American forces got mini-skirted girls.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020522

Time
10:53
A teacher supervising an exam was pretending to work on his computer. What he was really doing was looking at lesbian pornography! What a shame he forgot to unplug the projector. The images appeared on a large screen behind him, much to the ‘shock’ of students. The teacher is now on stress-related sick leave. This is what is known in the industry as being ‘as sick as a parrot’.

The best quote that relates to this story isn’t featured at the BBC URL, so is repeated here as a courtesy to those who study British priorities and the gentle art of downplaying.

Said the head teacher in an official statement:

“The exam was a mock exam, so there is no effect on the results.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020522

Time
12:20
First Ananova dropped the search box from the front page – now it’s done away with the search function altogether. I suspect its something to do with this, but I can’t shift this uncomforatble feeling that they’ve made it disappear in such a subtle fashion to minimise backlash when they (re)introduce it as a charged service.

Anyway, if you want to have a little fun with them, you can quickly and easily report the missing search engine as a 404 error.



[UPDATE – OK, I’ve looked into it, and no, they’re not introducing a subscription service. Well, not really. Read Ananova’s Orange Makeover for the full story.]

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020522

Time
17:05
A Russian policeman has been captured on film punching a mother and a little girl in the face during a protest in Vladivostok. Lieutenant-Colonel Alek-sandr Lysenko, Vladivostok’s traffic police chief, has been suspended pending an inquiry. The pictures tell the story, but the full poop is over at The Times.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020523

Time
10:51
Stuart Goddard (aka Adam Ant) appeared in court yesterday, denying charges that he broke a pub window and threatened a man with a gun. For the record, I should point out that it is alleged that the Ant-esque one threw a car alternator through the pub window. Not a common brick or bottle, but a car alternator. If you ask me, that alone shows an artistic flair that warrants leniency. BTW, the courts have yet to hear the real story behind the case. If justice is to be done, then all the facts must be presented.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020523

Time
11:00
A suspicious vehicle cruising in a parking lot was approached by police. A naked man was inside. I won’t give away the ending, it’s far too entertaining to ruin.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020523

Time
11:05
Freaky Secrets of the Presidency.

(Link lifted from ultimateinsult.net)

A lot of historians downplay the fact that George Washington grew hemp, as it was a common source of rope, fabric, etc. at the time. Diary entries by the man himself outlining plans to seperate the male and female plants before pollination are not widely publicised, as this practice is undertaken solely to enhance the plant’s (ahem) medicinal properties.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020523

Time
11:22
In case you missed yesterday’s background to the article Ananova’s Orange Makeover, the disappearance of the search facility and subsequent enquiries revealed that the sneaky chappies are slipping everything useful out the back door for the exclusive use of Orange subscribers. Nice.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020523

Time
11:47
Are you missing? You might think that you’re all there, but it pays to be sure. Confront a co-worker today and ask that all-important question:

“Am I here?”

With any luck, you’ll not only receive some form of confirmation, but also be mistaken for something of a closet philosopher. If this happens, wear a toga tomorrow and make the most of your new reputation.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020523

Time
11:52
Plaid Cymru has apologised for poking fun at the late Queen Mother and local residents on one of its Web sites. What a pity that the Yoda picture at the centre of this story is actually the work of a B3tan. Perhaps they need to apologise to him as well for taking credit for this sublime creation?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020523

Time
12:23
Six people were arrested in South Africa last weekend on suspicion of being involved in the infamous Nigerian email and letter fraud. And about time, too. Now perhaps we can get on with shutting down the wankers behind the white van speaker scam.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020523

Time
12:38
If you suffer from hayfever as badly as my Mum does, perhaps you’d like to check the pollen index and see if you’re allowed to take any oxygen nasally today.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020523

Time
12:43
I do hate to harp on about this, but from the summer of 2002, Nominet is planning to expand the reply message returned by the WHOIS. This will include the name and address of the Registrant, as well as the date on which the domain name falls due for renewal.

If this alarms or annoys you, then click here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020523

Time
16:30
Baby in the microwave? Yes, I know it sound like an urban legend, but it has happened. The mother at the centre of the trial even has her own official website. Watch out for the tear-jerking music on that last link, BTW.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020523

Time
16:37
Yet another ‘broken’ link intended to provide momentary amusement. Here’s the original.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020524

Time
09:55
US comedian Tom Mabe went undercover at a telemarketing convention and called telemarketers in their hotel rooms just a little before dawn. I haven’t seen his stuff before, but I like the guy already.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020524

Time
10:00
There are three things that help you to start that long, uphill climb out of a hangover. Shower Shock, the caffeinated soap from ThinkGeek lets you undertake two of these activities at once.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020524

Time
10:40
The Simon Wiesenthal Center has released a CD-Rom featuring more than 200 websites containing animated hate games ‘and other examples of transnational hate and promotion of terror after the 9/11 terrorist attacks.’

Wired has the story. Film at 11. The custard stops at Hatfield.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020524

Time
10:42
Researchers at France Telecom have developed a fabric woven from plastic optical fibres that glow with a series of different images, like a TV screen. Presumably so we can now pay even more to wear an advertisement on our chest.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020524
Flash Games
Time
10:47
The Ultimate Insult always manages to dig out the best of these. HubLo has a great look and presents some challenging but fun gameplay. This shark game is an oldie but a goodie, involving divers and a rogue shark. You’re the shark. Fun.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020524
Oldies But Goodies
Time
14:06
Next time you’re approached in the street by a happy clappy chappie who is fearful for your soul, set his mind at ease by showing your Get Out OF Hell Free card.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020524

Time
14:33
Hitler killed the dinosaurs.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020524

Time
14:34
Check out losers.org for a comprehensive collection of cautionary examples. I could sit there simply submitting all day and be happy – but there’s lots to look at, too. In fact, it was via losers.org that I discovered BitchyCat, who is borderline SFW, but by no means the kind of girl you bring home to your parents. Hmm, maybe some of you think that’s a good thing, so let me present you with the following (which also includes a nice link collection for Natalie Portman fans):

“Is it me or has Natalie Portman gotten seriously hot? I’m not a lesbian or anything but I do appreciate the female form… When I was looking for pics of her on the Internet, I found a shit load of sites dedicated just to her.”

http://www.nat-sanctuary.com/

http://www.natalie-portman.net/

http://www.natportman.com/

http://www.nat-portman.net/

http://www.natalienews.com/

http://www.natalie-portman.org/

“I guess I’m not the only one who thinks she’s hot. And these are only a few of the sites I found. Damn, if I were her I would be scared shitless thinking about all the whacks out there wanting to fuck me.”

Like I said, not really parent-meeting material.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020524

Time
15:16
In a job that sucks? Feel powerless? Good news! It won’t be a problem for long.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020524

Time
15:34
Some useful Pocket PC software for the slut in your life. The customer reviews for this are particularly amusing.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020525
Big Brother 3
Time
09:19
Yes, there will be passing comments about this from time to time, but the focus won’t always be on the housemates:

The sound kept dropping out on E4 last night. The following message appeared superimposed over the image of Jade flapping her lips:

“We apologise for gaps in the sound. As soon as the housemates stop being foulmouthed, etc…”

What a load of rubbish – and what a cheek. It was perfectly obvious that they were blanking out Jade, who was explaining in great detail which, what, where, why and who regarding the journalist who managed to find out who some of the contestants were. Ironic that Big Brother would want to protect the private details of a journalist, no?

This seemed a pity, because it was one of the few times that I was actually interested in what she had to say. She certainly likes to talk a load of old garbage. In fact, though she’s sure to be first one out, she could get a job immediately as a fly-catcher in her local kebab store.

She’s a bit of a bushpig, too – but that’s just the superficial Australian in me talking.

OK, back to those lovely producers…

Have you noticed the increased call charges for voting?

Year 1 – 10p

Year 2 – 20p (with a percentage to charity, to calm us down presumably)

Year 3 – 25p (no word on how much to charity – yet)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020527

Time
09:33
A collection of synopses for those loveable Mentos commercials. Can you guess which one is missing?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020527

Time
09:38
An interesting and rather wet creation theory.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020527

Time
09:42
A family doctor’s indecent-assault trial in Canada is producing some pretty damning evidence. One young flu sufferer was given a rectal exam. Another complaining of headaches was asked for a sperm sample. The good doctor offered to help out when things got awkward. A true humanitarian.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020527

Time
10:00
The political portal Spinon has discovered the power of bloggage.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020527
Big Brother 3
Time
10:25
I was expecting to see this in today’s papers, but I only read broadsheets this morning and there was no sign of it. Oh well.

Here’s the exclusive that everybody is scrambling to take credit for, that the BB house is soon to be split into two sections; Heaven and Hell.

Two factors make me inclined to believe this:

1. The deplorable state of the beds on one side of the house.

2. The fact that it’s claimed that the info was ‘hacked’ (for want of a better word) from the channel4 BB website which, traditionally, has always been something of a disaster from a security and usability point of view.

[UPDATE – Producers of the show, Endemol, have been denying rumours of the ‘heaven and hell’ format since early March.]

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020527

Time
10:30
A minimum of three million people would be killed and 1.5 million seriously injured if even a “limited” nuclear war broke out between India and Pakistan.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020527

Time
10:33
From the clever folks what brung you Hitler Killed The Dinosaurs:

How to Get Rich Off the Internet.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020527

Time
11:50
If you’re currently torn between the need for the love of a good woman and a preference for cold impersonal sex with a doll, then allow me to present to you the perfect woman. From your point of view, that is. You twisted sicko!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020527
Big Brother 2
Time
12:04
Big Brother veteran Narinder Kaur has warned that appearing on the reality television show nearly ruined her life. Funny, that. Seeing her on Big Brother sapped my will to live. This woman is so ‘scarred’ by fame that she’s now telling this same story to anyone who’ll print it – so she can use the opportunity to plug her new series called ‘Undercover Lovers’. The irony is richer and thicker than an impacted stool.

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Date
20020527

Time
12:24
Some woman just poked her head around the door, said ‘Baguette’, and then closed it again. She does this every day. If my brain weren’t so jellified from overwork, I’d think of a suitable one-word response for tomorrow. Any suggestions?

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Date
20020527

Time
16:01
The laptop with crabs. And you thought cybersex was safe…

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Date
20020527

Time
16:15
If you think that the Greek entry for Eurovision was the weakest thing you’ve ever seen, then you haven’t seen the artist’s website yet. Hosted by the Technological Educational Institue of Larissa (mmm, classy) and with an ugly Flash interface that will make your hair curl, Miahlis Rakintzis’ site – quite incredibly – outdoes his performance onstage. (In case you missed it, he and his backing singers looked and sounded like a bunch of effeminate road warriors who had unwisely elected to perform Karaoke drunk on a bet. They still got 12 points from Cyprus, though.)

[UPDATE – Read about the smart folks who knew alll along that he was a bad choice. Said link is authentic and hindsight-free.]

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Date
20020528

Time
09:09
Firda has discovered that Falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks. I can top this. In Australia, if you order your basic fish and chips, more likely than not you’ll end up with something the marketing bods call ‘flake’, which is basically beer-battered slices of shark. In short, more people eat sharks than sharks eat people – but it still pays to be careful. Don’t go thinking that swimming around with a little plastic fork and a sachet of vinegar is going to frighten them away.

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Date
20020528

Time
09:24
Nothing says ‘and finally’ quite like children driving large vehicles. This two-year-old managed to climb out of his car seat and drive a van backward across the two lanes of highway – with his four young cousins inside – while Mum was off dragging yet another tot into school. (Not, we assume, a driving school.)

A quick-thinking trucker stopped him from hauling ass to Lollapalooza.

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Date
20020528
Flash Music ‘Video’
Time
09:37
You’d think that this full-to-the-brim Flash piss-take of Blur’s Song No. 2 would be the mutt’s nuts, but’s just kind of… bleh.

Perhaps I’m getting hard to please in my old age. Maybe I’m just distracted by the impending arrival of the mysterious lady who turns up every day to poke her head around the door and say ‘baguette’. I still don’t know what’s up with that. Perhaps it’s the secret password of the French Resistance…

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Date
20020528

Time
11:32
Aspiring young models, who stripped naked thinking they were auditioning for a television soap advertisement, unexpectedly found themselves to be stars of a smash hit porn flick. The story is entertaining in itself, but the design of this employment ad that appears next to the article is the icing on the cake.

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Date
20020528

Time
12:20
My MASH Quiz has featured in all sorts of places over the last few months, but none more entertaining than the Family, Friends & Firearms site. The link appears in this forum thread, which is immediately followed by this post:

You Might Be a Gun Nut If…

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Date
20020528

Time
12:40
Get your fortune told here.

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Date
20020528

Time
12:43
I can’t bring myself to type the title of this new B3ta quiz. Describing it is equally out of the question. Sorry about that. (NSFW, obviously…)

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Date
20020528
Big Brother 3
Time
13:09
The BB producers are charging £9.99 a month for access to live video streams from the house. I personally think that they’re taking the piss, and I’m not alone.

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Date
20020528

Time
13:54
According to this Popbitcher, the Mark Thomas Comedy Product was cancelled last Friday afternoon by C4. The C4 microsite appears to have been withdrawn from the server on Monday.

[UPDATE – Whoops, the microsite is still there. It probably collapsed temporarily under the weight of traffic resulting from the Popbitch post…]

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Date
20020528

Time
15:49
Dave Prowse, who wore the Vader costume in the original Star Wars trilogy, wants to repeat the role for Ep. 3, despite arthritis and a dodgy hip. Can I say that he finds their lack of faith disturbing without getting shouted down?

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Date
20020529
Richard Desmond is a Pornographer
Time
14:31
Private Eye reports that www.spunklovingsluts.com contains a subtle yet important message.

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Date
20020529

Time
14:49
A fun little website that’s riding high on the blog charts.

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Date
20020529

Time
14:51
tinyurl.com is all the buzz today. It’s basically a copy of makeashorterlink.com, but the taskbar tool does look tempting…

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Date
20020529

Time
14:57
Bored? Give the boss the shock of his life by showing him the new version of the company website.

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Date
20020529
Recycling Corner
Time
15:02
Compare and Contrast:

This 2002 article by Toby Young rubbishing Star Wars Episode II

This 1999 article by Toby Young rubbishing Star Wars Episode I

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Date
20020529

Time
15:38
A US-based Iranian male dancer has been jailed after returning home, accused of corrupting the youth by giving dance lessons. Can I make the Dancing In The Sheets joke first, please? Oh, go on… pleeeease?

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Date
20020529

Time
16:34
The selection of e-cards at MSN Germany is far more interesting than our dull selection over here in Generica.

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Date
20020529

Time
16:48
Adam West has lost his Batphone privileges.

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Date
20020530

Time
09:23
Oh. My. God.

We finally have an e-minister who may know a thing or two.

Your mileage may vary if you try to visit his website, but this is to be expected after your typical Reg hammering. I’m greatly impressed that he runs a blog on his front page. I might even send him a nice email today and see if we can’t sort out this whole Tony Blair email thing.

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Date
20020530

Time
09:33
Super-dog leaps out of car at 70mph and survives.

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Date
20020530

Time
09:35
Cybersex counts as cheating, apparently. According to Australian women, that is. It is interesting to note that – despite being such a laid-back country – your typical Aussie woman is pretty uptight. I suspect it has something to do with the heat.

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Date
20020530

Time
11:36
It’s a long article, but this is one of the best pieces on I’ve seen on weblogs and their relationship with mainstream media.

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Date
20020530

Time
13:12
Who in their right mind would want a screaming poo-machine on their desktop? I get enough of that at home!

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Date
20020530

Time
13:17
Ah, the sweet genius of tomsk. Bask in its glow with this great little drum’n’bass feature.

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Date
20020530

Time
13:42
Share in the miracle of the Amazing Elvis Pepper.

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Date
20020530

Time
16:41
Helping women to take a stand.

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Date
20020530

Time
16:44
Pakistan seem determined to flex their nuclear muscles. The US is planning to evacuate its citizens in the area. How does the old curse go? Oh, yeah:

“May You Live in Interesting Times”.

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Date
20020530

Time
17:04
B3ta are getting awfully carried away with their little quiz thingies.

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Date
20020531
Gnome News
Time
08:51
All but six of the 49 victims of a recent mass-kidnapping have been safely returned to their owners.

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Date
20020531

Time
08:56
Hooray! Anti-abortion activists have taken to setting up webcams outside planned parenthood clinics. This wonderful site also includes information to help you be a better ‘Abortion War Correspondent’. Oh, happy day.

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Date
20020531
Big Brother 3
Time
16:40
Viewers of Big Brother will be more than aware of Alex’s recent lack of reliable bowel activity.

We’ve decided to take action!

Please help us in our campaign to unclog Alex’s bowels.